What Love Songs Have Taught Me


Alright, the last post was very negative about a lot of things, including love. But what exactly “is” love? Love is such a vague term that even traditional philosophers have failed to come to a complete agreement about the definition. For me, though, the modern philosopher is the musician. As I said in my review of Love is Dead, I went combing through the lyrics of every song I owned, looking for lyrics about the concept of love itself. Whenever the word was used, I placed the line “love” appeared into a very large poem. The result is this absolute mess of an epic.

Love, no feeling can last forever
Love me last, don’t love me maybe
I’m someone you maybe might love
Maybe I’m too shy I need your love
And you said, maybe we don’t deserve love
And you deserve to be loved and you deserve what you have been given
Give me your heart, and I’ll give you my love
I got a very good friend who says he can’t believe the love I give
I got love for all your hate
Gave you my love, you gave me nothing
I know the love you gave feels cheap and used
But give me love over, love over, love over this
Oh my lover, my lover, my love
Love, love, love, love is just greed

Wait for your call, love
Waiting on love to call
Love is calling
Love is the answer and the one design
Call it true love
They call it reckless love
They don’t know what love is, know what love is
It could be love, I think you’re too soon to call us old
I’ll love you ‘til you call the cops on me
Your sisters loved you
And oh my love remind me, what was it that I said?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called “love”
So tell me sweetheart, did they teach you all of this in a school, love?

It feels so good to have you back, my love
Love is hard, sex is easy
I know it’s hard enough to love me
And I’m trying hard to make you love me but I don’t wanna try too hard
How can I live with so much love?
So try to love me and I’ll try to save you
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
What’s the point of feeling love for you
Don’t hang your head, love should make you feel good
And my love is no good
Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home
And I love you, please come home

This love up down, please believe
Believe in love
And the wonders love can do
Love forever, love is free
Love until you bleed
So love is real like a disease
Loving life turned me insane
With the pain that you drain from love
Hurt the ones you love the most easily
But, mother, you knew, your love kept on hurting me
Some boys get too much, too much love, too much touch
Don’t think about love too much
I love you too, um, hope you’re doing well
Oh we couldn’t keep that love

I know that love is a terrible, terrible thing
I got a love that keeps me waiting
I got a lot to love I got a lot to lose
I was losing my mind because the love, the love
I love (but I love)
I don’t love you just because
I love the rip of nerves
I love it when you come over to my house
Yeah, I love my house
I love these roads where the houses don’t change (and I like you)
I love this country dearly
I love this feeling
I love you anyway

Once I had a love to show, a love they know
First they love you
Yeah they love you when they need you
And everyone’s competing for a love they won’t receive
And they ask how I can love you, when all they see is this
Seeing me rolling, showing someone else love
It seems like our love is too maddening for everyone else
My love made them move, made
Oh my love, don’t be mad
I don’t know how this love should go
Love like ours should never die with years
But how love dies is a place that I’m not going
But you say, “Oh, when love is gone”
Tell me where you love without leaving at all, and I’ll go
There is no love lost here between us
The love I let in, it left me so lost
Fragments of a lost love
Love is lost, love can burn
You should stop loving fire because you got burned
You should’ve seen your little face, burning with love
I will crush my love, let it burn until I get to you
Our love is plastic

Month of May, everybody’s in love
We almost fell in love
I fell in love with a wind-up souvenir
Never fell in love cause I just cut loose
No, love’s not an answer, ‘til it ends up all loose
And I’m not trying to stop you love
If you could show me love
Show me love, fill my cup
I have none to show to the one I love
The one that I love most
The one who showed you love
Cause you’re the one I love
So let’s love for one song
So let’s love
So let’s set out to sea, love
So if you love someone, you should let them know
So do whatever you must, love, do whatever it must take
I will love what you want me to love

So hold on tight to everything you love
I can’t help but love thinking that everyone doesn’t get it
It’s how you think of love
I think I loved you most when we were in my galaxy
Do you think that you could learn to love me anyway?
I wanna learn to love in kind
That distant kind of love
She thinks you love the beach, you’re such a damn liar
What kind of man loves like this?
Who hates what he believes and loves it at the same time
I will remember the times when love would really glow
Real love, a thousand times more
But when you’re in love all the lines get blurred
Our love is underlined
Love and understand me, baby
We can’t make love when you fly around me baby
Baby, you know I’m loving you skintight
If you’re sick, baby girl I would love to be your doctor
But you’re gonna love me baby when you get to know me
You know I love you so
So, darling, if you love me
If you love me, won’t you let me know?

Yeah if you wanna find love, then you know where the city is
Are you in love with the city?
In the city that we love
I never found love in the city
Never thought love could be found
Love has found us
And I found love and fear won’t go
The only love I ever found
Love confound me
No contra to you, my love
The opposite of love’s indifference
To the weight of love
I’m just a prisoner in a reign of love
Words of love and words so leisured
World starts screaming words of love
But I love to read the words you use
A letter to my true love
Someone said true love was dead
Like my true love to feel some made up breeze
Love is the only thing left that’s true

Oh, Ophelia, Heaven help a fool who falls in love
You know God loves the sensitive ones
God I love the way you love yourself
Lie love, live love, lie love thy neighbor
You know I’m nothing without your love, no
Love you more than you know
Is that I love you so
Wish you knew I still love you and could control what I do
And we knew what it meant to be loved
It means that we’re in love and that’s enough now
But if love is enough, could you let it show?

You said our love was written in the stars
I said I love you, you said goodbye
She said she loved me, but she had somewhere to go
And I said, give a little love
She said, “I’d love you to stay but that’s simply insane”
Why wait a minute to tell her I love
I said “I love you”
But when I say I love you, your silence covers me
I wish that I could have loved you then
Tell me you love me
Tell me was it enough when we were first in love to plant the seed and just leave
Say I’m cheapening your love
All this talk of love turns to noise
And in that love, the white noise of a shell
Don’t leave us not in love again

I say goodbye to love again
Goodbye girl, you know it’s only love
Then you turned to say you loved me
Always one foot out when you say goodbye to the ones that you love
By the ones you think you love
May you return to love one day

I love you
And I would love you
If it’s all forgotten love
This is how I show my love
Got loving on my mind
I’m just the sucker who let you fill her mind (but what about love?)
Falling in love filled my soul with fright
I was afraid of the love that you asked for
I’m scared to love what we love most
I’m too afraid to love you
He who taught me to love like a beast
Love like a sunset
With eternal love, stars above
I know it’s me who’s supposed to love you
But I was late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life
We had time, we had love, we had everything
Back then this thing was running on momentum, love, and trust
There’s nothing to fear, now my love
Without your love, I’ll be
Strung up, strung out for your love
Only love can dig you out of this
Never out of love
My love would never
Oh come on love
Stay if you wanna love me, stay
I said, “Don’t fall in love with the moment”
We fall in love again

Wake up to fall in love
Love will wake us, love won’t break us
When we wake up you engulf me in your love
Your love, I suppose, is an ocean the ebb and flow, oh
And the love that I dreamt of
If you love me I can sleep
Sleeping in the clothes you love
It’s that ancient love
Our love was long so long
Our love is getting old
Our love has gone cold
Your other love is gone and you know
Your love is out

And love is blind
Trading in his blindness for the glow of love
Visions of our love pass right by me
But your jealousy is more blind than love
Your love is so loud
Open your eyes, love, you’ve got me crying
Why your love is such a mystery
The love that you give is such a familiar sound
The holy sound of our love
For loving and leaving, I secretly hear them
And the boys trip me up with their heads again, loving them
So start falling in love
She’s loving the smell in the air
You know I love to be in love
Who could love you in the way that you love you?

Remember me? Remember love?
I’ll love you just the same
My love keeps growin’ still the same
Let your love grow tall
We lift our love
If you give up your love now
If you get between someone I love and me
I’ll give you all the love I never gave before I left you
All this love of mine
All my love that I can’t hide
All I need is life, love with you
All we need is love
Love, we need it now
Now we sit in your car and our love is a ghost
Love is the coal
It’s a black, black shadow at the center of love

Is this the place we used to love?
Anywhere you are, my love
But how I’d love to go to Paris again
The only love I haven’t screwed up

It might be love
Someone like you could love a creep like me
I could’ve loved you longer
Yeah, you should be loving someone
And love me (Love me, yeah)
Yeah love’s got you holding on
Her baby’s got the loving arm
A loving hand and daring kiss
From dancing with the one I love
And you’ll never find love in an open hand
I love sex, and I love dancing
I love, I love, I love, I notice
Messy morsels of my self-assured love
Not loving all you see
When your love is right
When you’re too in love to let it go
When love is free
Secretly you love this, do you even wanna go free?
Free from a love that makes me run
Empty loving makes me seasick
Life is a drink, and love’s a drug
She’s in love, come on give it to her!
The chemicals that make her love
As the man she loved
He split his love until it stretches too thin
Deep in the haze of your love high

I sing of a greater love
Every song of love?
Singing how I’ve always loved you, darling, and I always will
The timid proof of things we’d hidden or always knew of love
I’ll be loving you always, always
Why you always wanna love the ones who hurt you?
Don’t wanna love, don’t wanna hurt
You wanted to love, but you didn’t know how
All you ever wanted was love
I wanna love you
To feel your love and never be afraid
I’ve never loved you

Do you love me?
I’m in love, love
I’m loving you
I loved you all
I wanted love
Love you back
Lay me down, love
Tell her you love her, too
You tease this love
For your love
Love was a currency
Give me your love
Give me, give me all your love
And give him all my love
Fall back in love eventually

My love for you is real, I
Nod my head so dumb with love
This is how love really feels
I feel so in love, but not with you
You know I couldn’t love
You don’t love me anymore
Like giving up on love too fast
Promised your love but you lied
Clouds covered love’s barb-wired snare
We tear up the happiness and throw away the love
We don’t care, we’re not caught up in your love affair
About the birds, the boats, the past loves that flew away or started sinking
This isn’t a perfect love
No such thing as ordinary, love
Love has always been a mockery
It’s not love but wait
You’re loving something of a Midas touch
Romantic and drenched in sin, love

This love was so strong it shoulda
This love’s for gentlemen only
That love was a scornful thing
You have loved, you have cared, you’ve been too good to me
But to outplay is not to love
It was for love and love only
Cause I love you dearly
This is full blown love
My love, my love, my love is cruel
But I’ve only loved one person through all
My mother’s love is choking me
But here with your love
Love in my heart is the battle
Should never destroy your love or hopes
With me you’re love-safe
Send my love down in those rays of light
See our love, it remains
I’ll whisper back my love for you
That I’m in love with you
I’m heavy on your love
My love’s behind you
Oh oh love don’t let me go

It was love at first sight
We were waiting on love
We’re common people, we’re common people in love
Long before I knew of love
But I’m alone and so in love
Let him love, the man of faith
That everyone I love is gonna leave me
Except life and the love you make
And you gotta love your way of life
And we can love for the sake of the little one
I know you love it when the hairpins start to drop
I’ve been loving what I see you do at grad school
And this love has grown so restless
Love is not a veil to hide your voids
If we really love ourselves
How do you love somebody else?

Congratulations if you actually read all of that. In fact, congratulations if you even took the effort to scroll down to here. First, let me credit the true artists in this work. Each of the 360 or so lyrics included in this poem was by one of these bands: Arcade Fire, AWOLNATION, Bastille, The Black Keys, Bleachers, Bombay Bicycle Club, Broods, Catherine Warwick, Christine and the Queens, CHVRCHES, Coldplay, The Daylights, Echosmith, Florence + the Machine, Foals, Franz Ferdinand, Friendly Fires, fun., Gorillaz, Haim, In The Valley Below, Keane, The Killers, Lorde, The Lumineers, Metric, Metronomy, Michael Angelkos, Mika, Mumford & Sons, The Naked and Famous, Nona Reeves, OneRepublic, Passion Pit, Phoenix, RAC, Ryn Weaver, School of Seven Bells, Sonic R, Twenty One Pilots, Two Door Cinema Club, Wild Cub, The Wombats, The xx, Young the Giant, and The 1975.

Second, if you did actually read this, can you tell me what kind of conclusions can be made about love as according to modern musicians? I refuse to actually analyze the work I create. I only analyze other people’s work.

Third, yes, the process for this sucked and took forever. But I genuinely like pretty much every song I quoted here, so it was worth it. No, I did not listen to each song individually when compiling. I simply looked up the lyrics for each individual song and “control+f” for love. That said, I could sing you literally every line in this poem as it was sung in the context of its song. I am proud of my musical memory.

Fourth, love is not a real word any more.

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Love is Dead


 

 

Love is Dead is the latest album from the synthpop band, CHVRCHES. No, it’s not my personal feelings. Heck, I even have a draft in here called “Modern Romance” (which would’ve been a review of Aziz Ansari’s book, but…). Regardless, the band isn’t even that aggressive in their feelings. Singer Lauren Mayberry has gone on record saying she would’ve rather titled the album “Love is Dead?”. Though Mayberry may question her own feelings about love within the lyrics, it is no question that this is another solid album from one of my favorite bands.

The questions start within the opening track, Graffiti. Considering the album’s main symbol is a graffitied heart, this seems like the track that captures the literal heart of the album.

Image result for love is dead chvrches

I gotta say, I’m a paragraph and a half in, and I’m questioning my own actions for writing this. Man, this album is powerful. Back to the song, Graffiti is about a young love that faded out. It’s got a nice finishing chorus line: “I’ve been waiting my whole life to grow old/and now we never will”. The implication is that the speaker will grow old by themselves, without their former youth lover. How deliciously tragic. I really like the verses of the song; I just wish it didn’t go to “dubstep” speed for the chorus. Still a pretty awesome track.

Get Out was the lead single off of the album. While Graffiti was about a relationship that simply fizzled out, the couple in Get Out actively destroy what they have. This really set the tone for a much angrier album than what we ended up getting. Regardless, I enjoy this song a lot. My friends keep trying to rephrase the chorus to “get out, get out, I do not hook uhh-up”. That’s all I have to say. Like I said, I’m constantly questioning myself as I write this.

Deliverance is one of a few songs on the album that keeps the tempo quick in the chorus, so I appreciate it for that. I also really like the way Mayberry shouts out the bridge, even if what she is shouting is a trite “you better give up on giving up”. The song sounds like something from T-Swift’s 1989 with lyrics from songs off the album Wild World by Bastille. It’s a warning to anyone that preaches that they themselves are not saved, which is exactly the kind of statement Bastille would make. Regardless, it’s a competent pop song. This is not a competent album review.

My Enemy was the second single off the album, and the one that turned me off the most. It’s a slow duet with Matt Berninger of The National that’s essentially CHVRCHES’ answer to Give Me a Reason. It’s boring. The most use I got out of it was for a project in which I combed through every song I owned on iTunes looking for lyrics with the word “love” in them. The line “but your jealousy was more blind than your love” fit real well in there. I should publish that on here instead of this, but I started doing music reviews a long time ago, and I can’t stop now. Maybe… I’m my own enemy???

Forever’s lyrics are perhaps the worst on the album. Not a single good turn of phrase. But, my god, the instrumentals are awesome. And the way “ever” echoes again and again in the speakers is so well layered. There’s nothing else to say about it, but then again is there anything to say about music in the first place?

Never Say Die was the third single off the album. It was underwhelming at the time, but I’ve grown to really like the verses and bridge. Lauren’s cadence mesmerizes even with the line “wasn’t it gonna be fun and wasn’t it gonna be true”. The lyrics themselves are about a clearly-failing relationship that the speaker wants out of, but somehow convinces themselves to never say die and stay in it. They are also correct in that all I’ve wanted was to play at playing god. With the internet, anyone can be god of their own little blog.

Miracle is the true center of the album, as it is lucky #7 of an unlucky set of 13 songs, and it’s about as cautiously optimistic as you can get. The speaker’s not asking for a miracle! They just want to be shown love. Sadly, I don’t really love the fourth single off the album, since it honestly does not sound like a CHVRCHES song. It has the chorus of an Imagine Dragons anthem. I do really like the verses and bridge, just like Never Say Die, and while I don’t hate it forever, it just isn’t the miracle of sound the band hoped for. My god, that’s the worst line I’ve written in a while. I just keep digging deeper and deeper

Graves is my pick for best track on the album.

The lyrics are in the right place, if a little naive. “If you don’t have a heart, I can offer you mine” is a very noble line, Mayberry. Instead of watching “them” dance on my grave, I will gladly dance on my own to this song, because it is an absolute banger. Uh, bang–this blog sucks, and I just shot it.

Heaven/Heck is a forgettable but palatable five minute track that, again, has its heart in the right place even if it is phrased poorly. While Mayberry criticized the rest of the world in Graves, she turns her criticism inward for this song. “Am I real if you can see through me?” “Is it alright if I save myself and I clean up my own mess?” “Is it right if I’m a perfect actress?”. To all these questions… I feel like the average listener would say “yes”. But, the truth is, that Mayberry is closer to heaven on earth than most of those listeners that would say yes. I don’t know. This isn’t analysis. This is just trying to find fault with something I like so that I’m not as personally invested, should CHVRCHES turn out to be some mega-evil synthpop group. But it’s far more likely I’m inventing my own heck as I write this.

God’s Plan continues the religious “allegories” and is the token track in which the band member with a hat sings; see also: Under the Tide, High Enough to Carry You Over. Just like both of those other songs, God’s Plan has a twitchy synth-base that never quite stabilizes. It also sounds like a cover of Science/Visions rather than Drake’s God’s Plan. I enjoy the drums when the chorus kicks in. Other than that, it’s just too jumpy, kind of like my update schedule on this website. Look, it’s hard to insult yourself in thirteen straight paragraphs. Lay off.

Really Gone is the softest “real” song on the album. It’s basically a sequel to Afterglow in terms of sound. She’ll “try to find another way” in this track, in Afterglow she promised “I’ll find my own way back”. The song as a whole is almost a fleshed-out reimagining of the line in Night Sky in which Mayberry said “once you leave me, you are really gone”. If this focus on the lyrics couldn’t tip you off, Really Gone has little substance, but sounds pretty. So I forgive it. I’m sure every one (and I mean one) of my readers has been really gone for a while. Music posts suck.

ii is a short instrumental interlude with unintelligible lyrics. When the piano comes in alongside Mayberry’s voice in the second half, it sounds like the piano from I See You by MIKA. That’s all the analysis I got. Or, rather, all the analysis all II got. The jokes write themselves.

The album closes with another bang. Wonderland preserves the melody of ii’s piano but transposes it onto a synth. It sounds much more fun. The song itself is the summation of all the cautious pessimism in contemporary society. As it stands, it seems the album had two major strands for themes: disillusion in modern society, and disillusion in a romantic relationship. A majority of songs focus on the latter theme, so I get why it’s called Love is Dead, but the second half of the album makes you wonder if a more fitting title would’ve been “Politics Are Dead” or “Society Is Dumb” or something like that. That way, songs like Never Say Die or Miracle, which have pretty generic lyrics, could’ve been interpreted in a more political light. If that was CHVRCHES intention. Or maybe they did want to make a pessimistic album about love. It’s their call, I’m just the interpreter.

And I interpret the lyrics of Wonderland to be kinda goofy. The couplet “Can’t live forever with my head in the clouds/Can’t predict the weather with my feet on the ground” sounds fine when Mayberry sings them over a lovely synth melody, but when written out each individual line is… goofy. Together, though, the couplet is almost clever for saying some kind of middleground is needed to preserve this Wonderland. Almost as if you can’t pick either extreme. Which is pretty universally true for most decisions. Clearly, I shouldn’t have picked the extreme self-hate, nor should I have chosen extreme self-love for this post. I should’ve simply stayed in the middle.

But that’s a song by jimmyeatworld, and we’re talking about CHVRCHES.

AT THE END OF THE DAY, Love is Dead is a much better album than I anticipated. It is on par with Every Open Eye in terms of quality. Both albums are worse than The Bones of What You Believe, but there are very few albums that can compare to that album. Album album album.

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There are TWO fun. Albums


Some nights, I stay up cursing my bad luck that the supergroup band fun. broke up years ago. These guys were absolute stars for the great year of 2012, when we still had President Obama and everything felt all alright. But then, they did break up, and left us all alone. I cursed myself saying “why am I the one” and tried to carry on, I’ve sorely missed the indie pop group that always made it great to go out on the town. Then I realized that it gets better, because fun. actually has released two albums.

That’s right, those mad geniuses of pop (who deserved the Pulitzer Prize for music way before Kendrick Lamar), pushed out their debut album Aim and Ignite back in 2009. I wanna be the one to tell you that it is just as good if not better than Some Nights. I first put it on when I was walking the dog away from all the barlights on Saturday night.

It was an incredible walk; one foot after the other started flying, and I could not tell myself to be calm enough. All the pretty girls I walked by looked at me like I was crazy, but all I wanted to ask them was if they wanted to light a Roman candle with me. They only wanted to light their Benson Hedges. All I can say is that at least I’m not as sad as I used to be because I found out there are two fun. albums. I’m not going to be the gambler that bets they’ll be back anytime soon for a third album, but I, and the rest of the world, am ready to scream We Are Young once more.

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Cool April Fool’s Day Pranks to Pull on Your Housemate!


April Fool’s Day is here, and it’s time to start the pranks! Here’s a list of sick pranks that are sure to piss your housemate or roommate off!

Spoil the Plots of New TV Shows and Movies in Conversation! Your roommate may not have seen Black Panther or Ready Player One, but boy is he about to hear all about it when you bring it up at absolutely random times! Even something as bland as “What’s up, dude” just naturally flows right into “Rosebud is the name of his sled”! Dude-tacular prank, broski!

Pretend to Never Hear What They Say! You can spoil every conversation by no-selling whatever the heck that talking head just said! You don’t even need to wear headphones, but man does it make it more plausible, especially when that dang knucklehead is yelling at you to do obnoxious, anti-radical things like “do your dishes”! Speaking of which!

Never Do Your Dishes! A closely related sick prank is to never take out the trash! And don’t forget to forget your laundry and let that lie around as well! Leaving out dirty stuff for other people to deal with because they’re your slave is an awesome prank to do! Only the best housemates do this!

Consistently Remind Them You Have a Girlfriend and They Don’t! You don’t even need to have a girlfriend to pull this one off! You can just pretend to call someone every night, talk on the phone with them for an hour, and then continually say it’s a long distance relationship! No one will ever get suspicious, but it’ll get on your roommate’s nerves! PRANKED!

Drink your roommate’s Mountain Dew! Man, don’t we all just love the sweet, crisp taste of Mountain Dew! I’m pretty sure your roommate actually likes Mountain Dew the most out of everyone in Skidmore so taking it away from him is a totally bodacious prank! This prank registers as a Code Red because that will be the shade of your roommate’s face when he finds out!

I know these pranks are all epic and for the win, but remember my dudes that this is all in good fun: because nothing is worse than a horrible roommate! If tensions start running high after any of these sick pranks, just say “dude, chill” or “it’s only a joke, bro”, and they’ll be sure to take it really well! That’s all the time I’ve got, though, I gotta steal my housemate’s six-pack! No, not his abs, I already have those! I’m taking my advice and his Mountain Dew! Catch you on the kick-flip, players!


Intern, this content is already two days late. Uh, April Fools. Intern… that joke is already overplayed and bad. Whatever. I’m just annoyed that this is the first time in months we speak and it’s you complaining at me. Well what else am I supposed to complain about? You’re the editorial intern, not the content intern. I can’t whine at you for not making new content. Have you considered not whining at all? …Haha, alright, nice April Fool’s Day joke.

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Spending Spring Break in Style on Campus


Roommates going to CABO and you can’t afford it? One of the five students not from [local big city] and can’t get back home? Can’t bear to spend one day away from your Betta fish? Sounds like you’re spending Spring Break at college. Here’s some ways to liven the week-long staycation up!

Forage for Food in the Woods: Spring break is usually spent eating unhealthy junk food and doing nothing, but foraging for random crap in the woods will improve your diet and exercise habits! There are tons of edible wild mushrooms out in the woods. And there are even more hallucinogenic ones, so it’s really win-win. Plus, there are some mysterious red berries that are begging to be eaten off the vine! Who cares if they’re poisonous? They’re delicious!

Solve the “[College Name] Mysteries”: Now that everyone else is gone, it’s the perfect time to investigate all the unsolved school mysteries. For instance, the women’s 1st floor bathroom had its walls covered in blood last year, and no one knows the reason yet. Also, does anyone really know what’s going on in the weird West lot building? Methinks a spook or two is afoot! Or the mystery of the piss smell in the elevators. I have a hunch that someone pissed there! But until you solve it, we’ll never know!

Play Quidditch by Yourself: Gotta get those reps in before the team comes back and sees your foolishness. If you wanna make the team next year, this is the time to get out there and practice your broom-handling. The only other time you could do that is if you become a janitor.

Skinny Dip in the Pond: [College] is a clothing-optional campus, but people are too scared to take advantage of it during the terms. So make the most of the ghost campus and enjoy a skinny dip in the pond. Just watch out for the ducks. Nudity makes them mad.

Craft a New Student Body of Snowmen: It usually snows during Spring Break, so what better to do than replace all the missing people with snowmen copies? There’s a reason why you brought so many clothes to school after Winter Break, and it’s to dress all your newfound (or should I say “newmade”) friends in the latest outfits. Just don’t cry when they start melting; the tears speed up the process.

Chase After Everyone You See: It just makes sense. After all, if you see someone else, they’re probably a ghost. And if they’re a ghost and you catch them, you can solve one of the unsolved [college] mysteries! And if they’re real, then they’ll probably think you’re a ghost, and you’ll be immortalized as a [college] mystery! Honestly, you should do this even when Spring Break ends.

 

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CeilingFans and CeilingFoes


Hot off the major success that was the DoorYeahs and DoorNahs (pronounced Britishly to sound like doorknob, for your information), Pungry is back on the architecture beat. This time: the ceiling. I before e except after c was invented for this crucial part of the room. You can spell “lie” out of the letters that make up ceiling, but this is no lie; without the ceiling, everything would come crashing down. As such, we’ve rounded up our picks for the biggest CeilingFans and CeilingFoes for helping anyone out of their ceiling rut.

CeilingFan: An edible popcorn ceiling! Pass the butter!
CeilingFoe: An inedible popcorn ceiling. Butter not eat this.

CeilingFan: A ceiling that clears 10′!
CeilingFoe: A ceiling that clears 10″. This joke only works in print!

CeilingFan: A low hanging ceiling! It adds so much depth!
CeilingFoe: Low hanging ceiling fruit. Too easy a joke.

CeilingFan: Can’t stop the ceiling! No “trolls” here, just a great song.
CeilingFoe: Like the ceiling can’t hold us. The ceiling collapsing is bad, Macklemore!

CeilingFan: A ceiling with a skylight. Skylight, sky bright. First sky I see tonight.
CeilingFoe: A ceiling that’s just the sky. Brr.

CeilingFan: A ceiling with upholstery! Carpet from top to bottom!
CeilingFoe: A ceiling with downholstery! I don’t even know what that is!

CeilingFan: A retractable roof. Raising the roof… in value!
CeilingFoe: A detractable roof. Lowering the roof… in value.

CeilingFan: The dropped ceiling. Can’t beat the classics.
CeilingFoe: A ceiling that drops to the floor. Look out below.

CeilingFan: Ceiling Team Six. USA, USA, USA.
CeilingFoe: Ceiling Team Five. They failed their mission.

CeilingFan: Painting your ceiling like the sky. Just imagine being outside while being inside. Genius.
CeilingFoe: Painting your ceiling like a cave. Oh god, those stalactites are going to fall on me.

CeilingFan: A literal glass ceiling. Hope no birds get confused!
CeilingFoe: The metaphorical glass ceiling. Hope no members of the audience get confused, since this is real.

CeilingFan: Raising the roof. Woop woop!
CeilingFoe: Bringing the house down.

I think I’ve hit the ceiling in terms of possible jokes in this format. Thanks for reading!

____

Awful. Just awful. They say the sky is the limit but clearly someone put a ceiling instead. These jokes were sold to us as high-floor, high-ceiling jokes, but they ended up being low-floor, lower-ceiling. If that’s possible. No, the floor is always below the ceiling. I don’t know. If someone thinks that article was funny the world would truly be upside down.

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Student Takes Love & Friendship Class, Finds Neither


Sophomore James Reimer had been feeling pretty alone at college lately. Hoping for any promise of companionship, Reimer scoured the spring classes and found the perfect class: “Love and Friendship”.

“I knew I had to sign up right away. While the goal is finding true love there, I’m fine with friendship. …I have no friends,” said Reimer.

Reimer mentioned that he found another intriguing course, Sex and Intimacy, but said he did not meet the pre-requisites, nor was he ready for that kind of commitment.

“You know how they say that you should ‘shoot for the moon’ because if you miss you’ll be among the stars? In this metaphor, the moon is love, and the stars are friendship,” said Reimer.

Unfortunately for Reimer’s metaphor, his rocketship has failed to launch thus far in the semester.

“Our first class day we’re asking each other ‘why do we love’ and having some background in philosophy I pulled out all my choice Nietzsche quotes for the small group around me. I thought for sure his sick quote ‘it is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages’ was going to get me some points with the girls. But they basically ignored me, leaving me with only the quote ‘to live is to suffer’ as solace,” said Reimer.

“Honestly, all this love and friendship just might not be cut out for me. I’m thinking I’m a better fit for the Death and Dying class…” said Reimer. “I think my best friend actually found his girlfriend there.

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