Flying Boss Breaks Floating Platform Hero is On


The Hero of Lemrule finally met his match in his quest to save the world. Flying terror Ashkasha, who ravaged the village of Kortiga last month in a one-man air raid, lured the hero into a dank dungeon just outside Kortiga, made the hero climb up a ladder to a floating platform that Ashkasha was on, and then sent the floating platform and the hero to the earth below once the ladder automatically fell off.

“I really love the One Time Ladder brand. So convenient for us floating bosses. You let the hero get up there and then they immediately break apart, or fall off, or disappear, depending on which version you get,” said Ashkasha. “Oh, and defeating the Hero of Lemrule was satisfying. Gonna be great sending Lemrule to the darkness forever! Still a little vague on what I get out of this whole deal, Ja’rgan’th said something about ‘you can rule the skies’ but they skies are going to be dark forever and I don’t have great night vision.”

The Hero survived the fall from the floating platform but is out of commission for at least a week, or until a fairy breaks free from one of his five glass bottles on him to heal him. Hard to believe those didn’t immediately shatter and further complicate his recovery. Hopefully he will still be on schedule in getting out of the hospital and into Ja’rgan’th’s castle at the very last moment before Ja’rgan’th banishes the light from Lemrule.

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Soccer Coach Uses LoL Tactics


High school junior, soccer team forward, and aspiring professional League of Legends gamer James Byrd recently became the coach of his younger brother’s middle-school soccer team. An opening appeared when the Bakersfield Bandits’ previous coach was disbarred from the league because he never provided the customary halftime orange slices. But Byrd had no intentions of filling in the role at first.

“Yeah, I told them I was too busy between my starting role on the high school team and my studying, but somehow my dad figured out how to look at my LoL playtime log. He threatened to take my computer privileges away after seeing that I had played over 30 hours during midterms last week. Didn’t have much of a choice, just like how JeremyDoe didn’t have much of a choice when being asked to dominate toprow with no support versus LmaoTsao last week,” said Byrd.

Byrd consulted with his informal high school team’s League of Legends coach, CouchPohTayToe, for some coaching advice. PohTayToe, whose real name is Taylor Toenoke, is a fifth-year high school senior at Bakersfield High School. Though he claims he stayed a fifth year by choice to make sure the school’s informal League team would be alright after he left, poor grades forced him to repeat a year.

“I told my good man, HighFlyingByrd, that to be a good coach, you need to empathize with your players. If you can’t feel how your bottom laners feel when the team’s jungler forgets to mantis kick and start a 3 on 2 doublekill situation, you can’t feel how to improve your teammates. No matter the sport nor the moment, you need empathy to be a good coach. And better players, of course,” said Toenoke.

Byrd’s first practice got off to a rocky start when he called together the team’s midfielders by calling them all “midlaners” and asked them to practice swarm offense to make sure the other team’s jungler and midlaner would both go down simultaneously.

“I was a little worried about big bro when he started with this swarm offense approach since you aren’t allowed to kill people in soccer,” said Byrd’s little brother, Lucas. “Unless the high school leagues are different.” When asked about the approach, Byrd replied “Look, our team sucks at feeding. There’s so little communication that it is impossible to let only one guy suck up the experience so he can sweep with ults, that’s why we need to swarm and cause havoc by pressuring one lane at a time so we can kill the dragon.” “That’s a metaphorical dragon, right?” asked Lucas. “No, I’m talking about crosstown rivals, Georgetown Dragons,” said Byrd. “Of course I mean the actual dragon on the field. We’re always playing on Summoner’s Rift in this league you moron.”

Talking about the first practice, Byrd said that he didn’t quite grasp PohTayToe’s words of wisdom until he remembered who he was as a middle schooler. “Back in middle school, I was also a complete loser who had no sense of tactics. I would just rush the enemy’s main gate without paying attention to my lane assignment, I chose my hero based on how cool they looked, and I stole my mom’s credit card to buy skins instead of access to coaching. In short, I sucked, just like every other middle schooler. Especially the kids on this team, yeesh” said Byrd. “They literally cannot understand what it means to jungle when it is so simple.”

Despite the comments, Byrd’s Bandits have been flying high in the Midwest Middle School Soccer League. Currently sitting with a record of 6-1-3 and at the top of the Uptown Division, the Bandits are poised to capture not just the division title, but also the enemy base. “League might be 5 vs 5, but, if you think about it, soccer’s 11 vs 11 is basically 2 simultaneous 5 vs 5s. Therefore, it only makes sense that tactics from League would carry over to soccer,” said Byrd. “I expect higher divisions in soccer, like the MLS, will pick up on the same strategies as League soon enough.”

When asked if that would be the case, long-time soccer coach Brian Schmetzer said “tell me when that guy can win in a league that requires more tactics than getting the best dribbler in the league to deke around everyone”.

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YOUR SLXXIX Mark Bellhorn Preview


Long-time owner, first-time writer for the Super League here. Frankly, I’m very bad at evaluating players in the Super League. Just look at my all-time winning percentage! But no one else wanted to do it, so I figured I should give back to the community after… oh god, 28 seasons of sitting around and reading everyone else’s posts? Surely, by this point, some knowledge and humor has had to have rubbed off on me.

Teams:

[img]http://lpix.org/3652402/Team01-ABanner.png[/img]

The Bellhorn in SL XXVIII was convincingly won by the Akabira Killer Mikes, owned by tatankatonk. Thanks to the World Warriors losing on the final day of the season, the Mikes were the only team to win 100 games in the SL. They managed to do this despite never shifting Trevor Hoffman out of the closer spot when he came down with a season-ending injury after only pitching 17 innings. Just more evidence for the “no lineup change” strategy endorsed by Smasher. The Mikes made the SLCS only to fall to the eternal Eazy W’s in five games. The team made no reckless changes in response to this loss during the offseason which, considering what the Eazy W’s have done to some other owners, should be applauded. They appear to still be the best team in the division with the offseason well and over. The Killer Mikes play in a stadium that boosts left-handed power significantly with the right field walls only being 300 feet away. That said, the team won most of its games through its pitching staff and defense that managed to have an ERA of 4.01 while having to play a bunch of games in and against Mexico City.

[img]http://lpix.org/3656332/Team20-ABanner.png[/img]

The Hague Honkbalers, led by mks5000, finished second in the division in SL XXVIII. Even though they finished 13 games below the Mikes, they were one of five teams to finish above .500 in the Super League and thus clinched a wild card spot rather easily. In the playoffs, the team made some noise by knocking out the perennial contenders Portland Panderers in the wild card game. The next round put them up against the Mikes where the Honkbalers got swept in three games. The team made no major moves in the offseason, and looks set to challenge for the wildcard or better again. They play in a relatively normal stadium for the Super League, with the only real gimmick being a short left field fence that slightly boosts the team’s mostly right-handed lineup. I gotta wonder how filled the 48,500 seats are daily, though.

[img]https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/245696278221160448/739071627786190878/WIN.png[/img]

At the start of SL XXVIII, the Krakow Dragons came under new management of cbx and Edward Mass after the previous owner resigned from ownership. The tag-team finished in third place last year, just four games above fourth place to keep their spot in the Super League. In the offseason, Edward Mass took full control over the team’s operations and has rebranded the team as the Winnipeg Monarchs. In a classic Edward Mass move, the team made a big trade to land a high draft pick to get prime Barry Bonds in the offseason but gave up Honus Wagner and Eddie Matthews to do so. The team mostly looks the same otherwise and hopes to finally get back to the success the old Dragons had when they had New Hoss. These guys play in a very normal stadium, except for the name. Rogers and/or Bell Stadium at GS the Q Field?

[img]http://lpix.org/3658630/Team07-ABanner.png[/img]

The fourth and final team is no stranger to the Mark Bellhorn. Taking the place of the Mexico City Mexicutioners (now Machine Guns) are the Khartoum Doom, owned by McFreeze. They’ve won six division titles in the Bellhorn, though none of them since SL XX. The Doom’s brief visit in the sub-par saw them effortlessly win 100 games and their division. They made the finals easily but lost to the absolutely dominant Sebastian Thunderbuckets in five games. But Slug Lyfe is back in the Super League where they belong. Who knows if they can recapture the magic of old, but they’re always a fan favorite team. That’s because they hit a billion homeruns a year in their bandbox of a stadium. It’s got super short corners and a very deep centerfield designed to boost extra basehits. Except for doubles, somehow. I don’t understand how field effects work even after reading TheMcD’s post. Let’s just get into the player rankings.

[b]Starting Pitcher #1[/b]

For SP#1, we got three deadballers and a guy with deadballer-esque stats. Hilton Smith is consistently good in the SL. Other than SLXXV, he’s averaged around 135 ERA+ and 1.175 WHIP. That’s really good! Smokey Joe Wood walks a bunch of people but he can also strike some dudes out. Also, he’s pitched really well as a Honkbaler, so I think mks has figured out how to use him. Rube Waddell walks about as many people as Wood does, but also gives up around 1-1.5 H/9 more than Wood. Waddell at least does his deadballing job of giving up few home runs. Still, I think he’s better than Dazzy Vance. I’m pretty sure this Vance is the same one that pitched for me on the Seattle Suicides way back in SL VIII. That team was partially relegated because its pitching sucked. (I’m insulting Vance)

1.) 1932 Hilton Smith KLM
2.) 1913 Smokey Joe Wood HON
3.) 1906 Rube Waddell KHA
4.) 1918 Dazzy Vance WMN

[b]Starting Pitcher #2[/b]

Martin Dihigo has felt like the true ace of the Doom forever and I don’t remember when Waddell took his spot. I think he’s the best of this bunch. Jim Creighton is a super old diamond of a deadballer that kensei unearthed a while ago and I think he’s proven himself in his limited time in the SL as a solid if unspectacular #2 starter. Steve Carlton has been around forever and still is pretty unreliable because this is baseball; I still think he’s got gonna be better than baby Waddell who can’t keep his WHIP below 1.5.

1.) Martin Dihigo KHA
2.) Jim Creighton HON
3.) Steve Carlton KLM
4.) Rube Waddell WMN

[b]Starting Pitcher #3[/b]

Three pitchers I’m familiar with and “Old” Koufax (29 years old) comprise SP3. This is a pretty close group of pitchers in terms of overall performance. In all honesty, they are all pretty good SP3s. Ricky’s been the worst of the bunch most recently which is why he is ranked last, but he could bounce back pretty easily. I think it’s because of my love for Greg Maddux that I am forced to rank him relatively low here or look biased. Both Koufax and Bender have actually been super good on their respective teams, but Koufax gives up around 2 H/9 fewer than Bender at the cost of more walks and slightly more homeruns. Either one will probably be pretty good but I’ll go with Bender because he pitched well for the Seattle Homers and he won 21 games two years ago.

1.) 1913 Chief Bender HON
2.) 1965 Sandy Koufax KLM
3.) 1992 Greg Maddux KHA
4.) 1978 Rick Reuschel WMN

[b]Starting Pitcher #4[/b]

It gets harder to rank around SP4 because everyone brings just kinda middling guys. Babe Adams has the most upside, yet his best seasons came with the Monarchs back when they were called the Dragons. The Mikes hope Hamels, as a modern-day power lefty thrower, cuts down homeruns for opponents bringing their own lefties to tee off in the Mikes’ ballpark. It works well enough, I guess. 1905 Eddie Plank doesn’t have much burn at this age, but he can be alright. I don’t think he’ll ever be the same ace that he was in SL IV ever again, though. Carl Hubbell hasn’t had much of a sample size in the SL recently, though he could be the best pitcher of the group if those small sample size numbers translate to something greater this year.

1.) 1907 Babe Adams HON
2.) 2013 Cole Hamels KLM
3.) 1905 Eddie Plank KHA
4.) 1936 Carl Hubbell WMN

[b]Starting Pitcher #5[/b]

SP5 has some big names that feel out of place at #5, and also Roy Halladay. I know the Monarchs have to at least pretend to lean into the Canadian gimmick and that’s why he’s there, and that’s fine. Pete Alexander is old in 1925 but can be ace material if he doesn’t get injured. At least, that’s what I have to hope because he is my actual ace on the Deck Chairs. Baby Walter Johnson is sometimes pretty dang good and usually not terrible which is all you can ask for out of SP5. Don Drysdale is better than Roy Halladay.

1.) 1925 Pete Alexander HON
2.) 1907 Walter Johnson KHA
3.) 1963 Don Drysdale KLM
4.) 2003 Roy Halladay WMN

[b]Bullpen[/b]

The Mikes win because they have two Trevor Hoffmans and the Honkbalers come second because they have two John Smoltzs. There’s nothing I love more than clones playing together. The Monarchs take third because they have a Smoltz and a Hoffman and also Walter Johnson who should actually be in the rotation, even if he’s a million years old. The Doom don’t have a terrible bullpen but it’s not as fun and so it finishes last. Don’t try to actually rate bullpens for longer than two minutes because they are extremely volatile.

1.) 1993 Trevor Hoffman/1987 Tom Henke/1999 Trevor Hoffman/2014 Jonathan Papelbon/1979 Pedro Borbon/1988 Dennis Eckersley/1905 George Mullin KLM
2.) 1995 John Smoltz/1995 John Smoltz/1905 Al Orth/1979 Gary Lavelle/2009 Mariano Rivera/1922 Red Faber HON
3.) 2006 Trevor Hoffman/2000 Joe Nathan/2002 John Smoltz/2013 Rafael Soriano/1983 Bruce Sutter/1922 Walter Johnson WMN
4.) 2010 Joakim Soria/1982 Tom Henkey/2014 Sean Doolittle/2012 Steve Cishek/1906 Nick Altrock/1962 Juan Marichal KHA

[b]Catcher[/b]

Onto the positional players where I will very much reveal myself as someone who can’t rate players in context. I just like to look at numbers instead of thinking about fit/defense. All of these catchers are great hitters. The Josh Gibson for New Hoss trade felt really wrong at the time because the Dragons were defined by New Hoss, and it still doesn’t sit right with me. That said, he’s still the best overall catcher. Or, at least, I can’t not vote him #1, even though he’s slowly been sliding down in effectiveness and it’s quite likely one of these other Cs will outhit him. But I still can’t not put Josh Gibson #1! Bill Dickey can hit but can’t throw guys out, and, as a lefty catcher with power, fits what the Killer Mikes are doing perfectly. That’s why I think the lone Dickey beats the Dickey/Ewing combo. I also think Cochrane/Lombardi will just barely outhit the Dickey/Ewing combo, but it’s pretty marginal. Really good group of catchers.

1.) 1933 Josh Gibson WMN
2.) 1938 Bill Dickey KLM
3.) 1933 Mickey Cochrane/1938 Ernie Lombardi HON
4.) 1936 Bill Dickey/1882 Buck Ewing KHA

[b]First Base[/b]

We’ve got a slightly underwhelming group of 1B after that great group of C. The Killer Mikes built their stadium around Stargell, and he delivers in that role. Hank Aaron at 1B is weird to see but his bat is good enough to play every day, and he fits here with the glut of outfielders. Speaking of gluts, there were four 1960 Hank Aarons in the SL in SL XXVII. Yet, I have to ask: is there any player more cloned than Jimmie Foxx? I’ll take the younger one as he’s had a slightly better track record. Hank Greenberg had limited playing time at 1B for the Dragons until last season where he OBAd .297 and hit 17 dingers. He’s alright but probably worse than both Foxxs. Foxxes? Whatever.

1.) 1965 Willie Stargell/1960 Hank Aaron KLM
2.) 1934 Jimmie Foxx HON
3.) 1942 Jimmie Foxx KHA
4.) 1934 Hank Greenberg WMN

[b]Second Base[/b]

After the New Hoss trade, I’d argue that Charlie Gehringer became the face of the Dragons because he’d been there forev—hang on, you’re telling me he got traded to the Killer Mikes? Seems like a perfect fit for their stadium which is why he’s #1. The next three groups are pretty close to even. Aesthetically, I think it is sinful that the Doom are running a pair of glove-first 2B, but I understand that they need to make up for their poor defensive core somewhere, and where better but with Joe Morgan and Jackie Robinson? I actually think Robinson Cano is solid as an everyday 2B, even though he strikes out too much. Whitaker and Molitor aren’t bad 2B either, but I don’t think either of them can produce on offense as well as the other groups, and their defense is comparable but not better.

1.) 1934 Charlie Gehringer KLM
2.) 1974 Joe Morgan/1951 Jackie Robinson KHA
3.) 2009 Robinson Cano WMN
4.) 1985 Lou Whitaker/1983 Paul Molitor

[b]Third Base[/b]

More clones here. I think the Brett/Foxx platoon takes first in the Boggs division. Neither are great fielders but they outhit their defensive struggles from what I can tell. Also, I feel bad about being the guy who took Ted Williams #2 overall after ManifunkDestiny took George Brett #1. Wade Boggs is consistently average to above-average at the dish and fields the ball fine. Both ’86 and ’94 Boggs will produce around the same amount and field equally well, but it’s harder to see ’94 Boggs finishing the season uninjured. In last comes the Jackie Robinson/Mike Schmidt platoon because Jackie Robinson is not a good fielding 3B and should not be playing there most days. Also, Mike Schmidt isn’t very good in Mogul, sadly.

1.) 1983 George Brett/1933 Jimmie Foxx HON
2.) 1986 Wade Boggs KLM
3.) 1994 Wade Boggs WMN
4.) 1951 Jackie Robinson/1974 Mike Schmidt KHA

[b]Shortstop[/b]

In the battle of shortstops, as much as it pains me, I must put Ernie Banks above a copy of my own Arky Vaughan. Banks fields better than Vaughan and hits around 25 homeruns a year which I value more than Vaughan’s 175 hits a year. They’re both very good players, though. Vern Stephens has a bunch of bad to below-average hitting seasons and a few random really good years at the plate. For that reason, I put him above the heartwarming duo of Melissa Mayeux and Luke Appling. I love that Mayeux is finally getting consistent playing time. I just find it sad that the Doom aren’t allowed to combine Mayeux’s spirit and glove with Appling’s decentish bat to make a pretty good shortstop. Meluke Appleux.

1.) 1958 Ernie Banks HON
2.) 1940 Arky Vaughan KLM
3.) 1950 Vern Stephens WMN
4.) Melissa Mayeux/1939 Luke Appling KHA

[b]Left Field[/b]

Oh thank god I got to the outfield where I can stop pretending I know how to read defensive stats. It’s all about big offensive numbers here. I think the Monarchs’ big offseason splash should pay off, and Barry Bonds should be pretty good. Obviously, he’s got a huge chance of getting injured, but… come on. I rostered three Barry Bonds on a team once, of course he’s #1. Jesse Burkett is the most consistent producer out of the other three groups on this list. Yeah, it’s mostly singles when you want homeruns from this spot, but he hasn’t had many bad years recently. I’ll take the Hamilton/Riggs platoon over Frank Robinson for third. Riggs is pretty deadly playing as small spoon and Hamilton is a really fun speedy guy. Did you see that he was 8 for 50 on stolen base attempts in SL XXVI? That rules. Robinson isn’t bad, I just don’t fully trust him.

1.) 1997 Barry Bonds WMN
2.) 1895 Jesse Burkett KLM
3.) 1901 Billy Hamilton/1927 Riggs Stephenson KHA
4.) 1965 Frank Robinson

[b]Center Field[/b]

Oh, fine, I’ll care a little about defense for CF. All of these guys are really good centerfielders and all are worthy of being an everyday starter on an SL roster. Yes, even Griffey, though he’s the likeliest of the bunch to get injured or struggle at the plate, which is why he’s last. Mays is pretty consistent with his production and provides very good defense, but both Cobb and Speaker just get on base better. Neither can play that great of defense but boy can they hit. Prime Speaker is a little better than slightly-young Cobb, on the whole. But, again, all four of these guys are very good CF, and any of them could easily produce the best of this group.

1.) 1913 Tris Speaker HON
2.) 1909 Ty Cobb KLM
3.) 1957 Willie Mays KHA
4.) 1994 Ken Griffey, Jr. WMN

[b]Right Field[/b]

There are two 1918 Babe Ruths in this division. They automatically tie for first. That leaves the fight for third between prime Hank Aaron and just-past-his-prime Roberto Clemente. As much as I love Clemente the man, Hammerin’ Hank is just better. His bat and glove are just better than Clemente. Wow, that was the easiest ranking yet! Why can’t they all be this easy?

1.) 1918 Babe Ruth KLM/1918 Babe Ruth KHA
2.) 1960 Hank Aaron HON
3.) 1964 Roberto Clemente WMN

[b]Designated Hitter[/b]

We close out the everyday position players with the DHs. Young Ted Williams will rake and, more importantly, not get injured. Lou Gehrig will also rake and not get injured… probably. Really, it’s a tossup as to who will be better between these two. I just like Williams more. Volk Hammer probably won’t be as overtuned as he was in SL XXVII ever again, but, as a custom prize player, I expect him to be above average. Just not as good as Williams/Gehrig. Finally, Harry Heilmann rounds out the group. He brings doubles power to a homerun fight, and the Mikes’ stadium doesn’t help that too much. He’s not terrible but clearly the worst of the bunch.

1.) 1942 Ted Williams
2.) 1936 Lou Gehrig
3.) Volk Hammer HON
4.) 1921 Harry Heilmann

[b]Bench[/b]
Lastly, we’ve got the bench. On one end of the spectrum, the Monarchs used zero platoons, and, on the other, the Doom platooned literally everybody they could. I really appreciate the latter approach, speaking as someone who wants all my Fire Emblem units to be the same level. I have no real opinions on the benches otherwise.

1.) Platoon only KHA
2.) Platoon/1991 Cal Ripken Jr/1950 Joe Dimaggio HON
3.) Platoon/1956 Jackie Robinson/1959 Smoky Burgess/1902 Joe Kelley KLM
4.) 1970 Joe Torre/1924 Charlie Gehringer/1993 Chipper Jones/1924 Heinie Manush/1931 Paul Waner WMN

If you were to add up all the predictions, I think the division standings shake out:

1.) Akabira Killer Mikes
2.) Khartoum Doom
3.) The Hague Honkbalers
4.) Winnipeg Monarchs

But baseball isn’t that simple. After all, the Doom got relegated just two seasons ago despite having largely the same fierce lineup. Any one of these teams could feasibly take the division; except I don’t have much faith in the Monarchs. Their best-case scenario looks like a wildcard. Sorry Edward Mass! By leaning into a stadium gimmick, the Killer Mikes are the best suited for the current SL meta and seem poised to repeat as division champs. Slug Lyfe look like a good wildcard/division contender, but you can’t count out the Honkbalers either. In conclusion, writing previews is hard.

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Local Man Angry That Somebody is Enjoying New Video Game


Local man Sicnarf Loopstok is reportedly angry that another local man is enjoying the new video game The Last of Paper Mario: Part II.

“I just can’t stand these goddanged sheeple that think UNintelligent [emphasis sic] Systems or Naughty-Good-Developer, Dog will ever make another good game. The Thousand Year Bandicoot’s greatness will never be matched as long as Amy Miyamoto is pulling the strings or blending the wumpa fruit or folding the origami, whatever metaphor you want to use,” said Loopstok.

When his friend, James Sullivan, pointed out that Miyamoto has not at all been involved in the creation of any of the games since Sticker Uncharted, Loopstok replied: “Well, see, that’s what they want you to think. Amy may have left officially but her presence continues to be felt on the series, like a Zess T. Mistake or Nitro crate. ‘Miya-money’ destroyed any creative freedom when she mandated that the team could no longer steal OCs clearly marked with ‘do not steal’ from the best DeviantArt minds of our generation. And that’s why The Last of Paper Mario: Part II has godawful characters like the Bob-omb named ‘Bob-omb’ and the human girl named ‘Ellie’. What kind of sicko would name their kid ‘Human’?” said the man named Sicnarf.

“Beyond the awfulness that is the character creation, weapon and guitar durability, while realistic, are garbage systems that shouldn’t have been implemented. When I’m using Sombrero Guy to take out some Infected, I don’t want to worry about my E-string breaking as I play Wonderwall. I can’t believe UNIntelligent [again, emphasis sic] Systems would dare deprive my one Oasis of comfort in this desert of a game. ‘Desert’ in this context means bad,” said Loopstok.

“And don’t even get me started on the story. The goddanged SJWs that flouted the rainbow pride in the prequel, Color Us, decided to take it one step further by populating the entire game with non-binary mushroom creatures. It’s very important to me what genitals the fungus have, and the game won’t answer that one question. Do not ask me why that’s my one question,” said Loopstok, who has been rambling for the past five minutes while I, enlightened and in my fedora, shut up and listen like a true man such as Tillman Fertitta, the owner of the Houston Rockets and all the worst fast food franchises. Oh, right, this column is about a dude yelling about a video game.

“Anyway, I just don’t understand why James has stooped so low to enjoying this piece of cold garbage,” said Loopstok. “Because I think it’s funny, poignant, and well-written?” said Sullivan. “Well, as I’m sure you remember about UNIntelligent Systems [for the last time, emphasis sic] back when they didn’t kowtow to the goddanged millenial SJWs, PEMN,” said Loopstok. “What?” said Sullivan.

“Personal. Experience. Means. Nothing,” said Loopstok.

“Yeah, that makes sense with evaluating characters in Fire Daxter where there’s some variance as to how good they’ll turn out and there’s an objective sort of truth as to what characters will turn out the best based on the raw numbers, but The Last of Paper Mario: Part II is meant to be evaluated on how it makes the player personally feel. And, let me tell you, I cried when Bob-omb sacrificed himself to take out a group of Infected to save Ellie and Olivia. Personal experience means everything. Also, why does it matter to you if someone else enjoys the game?” said Sullivan.

“Because I’m the all-powerful main character of the world, and if someone disagrees with me, that might indicate that I’m not that powerful. Thankfully, I can just be the main character in my own created world online where I get to pwn fake people with bad opinions that I made up to get mad about but then destroy with facts and logic,” said Loopstok.

“That’s sad. I hope I never do that,” said Pungry.

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Governor Pungry Goes into Phase 4 of Opening Boggly Woods Despite Outbreak of X-Nauts in Great Tree to Celebrate 10th Anniversary of Freedom from Lord Crump


This Friday marks the 10th anniversary of The Great Tree’s independence from the hostile takeover of Lord Crump. The heroic Mario Mario, of the famous Mario brothers, teamed up with Pungry to save the Punis as well as the rest of the Boggly Woods from the hands of Crump and the X-Nauts. And for those ten years, the Punis had been living peacefully and simply.

Until the X-Naut infection came back worldwide in a big way this last StarMoon.

The infection started on the moon before somehow teleporting into dirty Rogueport. Since Rogueport has no centralized government and is instead run by two literal mafias, the town had no chance against the infection. And it spread to Twilight Town, Poshley Heights, and even all the way to Fahr Outpost. Of course, Boggly Woods and The Great Tree were no exception, and X-Nauts ran amok in the close-knit Puni community. Infections spread quicker and quicker since the Punis only survived Lord Crump by physically uniting to defeat Jabbis and Piders.

But the Punis are great at following directions. Once the infection was understood to be happening, the Puni Elder decreed Puni Quarantine. In their homes, each Puni got a Puni Orb and a pedestal to place the orb on. Should the want ever come over a Puni to go see a relative or friend, they only had to look at the orb to calm themselves and stay in place. And it has worked great. Forget flattening the curve, the Punis were a shining example to the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom in how to make the numbers drop down to zero.

By mid-StarStarStar, the number of infected Punis was in the single digits while Glitzville was getting thousands of new cases a day. Everything seemed perfect. Until the Puni Elder and shop-owner-turned-governor Pungry announced that it was time to open up The Great Tree. Not just to Punis, but to all immigrants for the economy. It is a mystery (which is the #1 selling item from Pungry’s shop) why the Puni Elder agreed to this, but it is a reality we live in now.

Gone were the Puni Orbs from each house in phase 1. Gone were the adorable masks on the Punis for phase 2. Gone was social distancing, which for Punis was like ten Puni lengths apart in those 6 feet, in phase 3. And within a couple of weeks, X-Nauts came back. Some came from Excess Express passengers, some came from Petalburg, others from Keelhaul Key, and most from the Rogueport Sewers, the most direct route to Boggly Woods. X-Naut infection in CircleCircle went back to its StarMoon levels.

And what does Governor Pungry declare for the 10th anniversary of independence from Lord Crump? That the day of celebration won’t be interrupted by X-Nauts and for the Great Tree to go to phase 4 of re-opening starting today. All shops back to full capacity, not that Pungry’s shop ever stopped before this despite the risk. All restaurants and bars back to full seating. The godawful basketball league, BBA, that we all thought stalled ten years ago will come back to the Boggly Woods with the Rim Rattlers, and no restrictions on seating.

This day of independence will be spent with Punis enjoying their last bit of freedom before X-Nauts infect them all. It is shameful and a disgrace that money influenced leadership in The Great Tree of all places. Here, where the entire population lived in harmony within nature, greed still beats morals. Pungry’s bottom line will become great in the short-term. It’ll be the best numbers ever recorded by any shop in The Great Tree ever. But it won’t compare to Glitzville’s Juice Bar on its worse day. The amount of money Governor Pungry has sacrificed countless Puni lives for totals to less than what one trip on the Excess Express costs.

I hope deeply that most Punis make it out of this self-inflicted terror unscathed, but it goes to show that money has no place in politics. The Puni Elder was made the governing figure initially because the entirety of the Puni population rallied behind her. Now that she has betrayed the Puni trust, it is time to vote her out as soon as possible. Instead, please vote for me… Pungry.

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Nuclear Families in Video Games


Ah, the nuclear family. One major part of a balanced American dream. You have a husband, a wife, a son, and a daughter all living happily together in a nuclear family. It is the end goal of life, and a bunch of movies, TV shows, and books all reinforce the idea. But what about the newest form of media? How many nuclear families are there in video games, and how many stay together from start to finish? Now, actually researching every video game ever would take to long, but it just so happens that I have a list of every video game I’ve ever played, so I’ll just be going through that instead.

Before I start the list, I want to talk about some reasons that video games are less likely to have full families. One, from a pure content level, there are relatively few games that involve families–think about every sports game or Fortnite clone; none of them need families because none of them have any emphasis on character development. These are games for the sake of being a game, like a Monopoly piece. They have inherently no story and need none.

Two, a lot of other games with fleshed-out characters are fantasy characters. They’re made as purposeful escapes from real-world norms. Think Ori from Ori and the Blind Forest. That ball of light has no family because that’s not how the creators envisioned its race. It instead hooks up with a blind forest which is quite progressive of the developers.

Three, games with lots of NPCs can just have the whole family thing slip their mind or see it as too much work. To make a full nuclear family requires making four separate characters with separate art assets or models and that takes way too dang long to spend on Jim from Pallet Town who has one line about saving your game. Games can get around this by simply having the character allude to having a family, but, again, if the NPC is only there to have one line and never be spoken to again, why bother writing that line in such a weird way. Like imagine Jim saying “My father, mother, and sister all recommend to me to open up the menu and save my game constantly!” That’d be dumb.

Four and finally, for games that do care about character development and stories, broken families are way more interesting than nuclear families. Every other form of entertainment understands this super well. Batman’s parents are dead, The Godfather’s immediate family may or may not be as important as his communal mafia family, and my ex-wife keeps leaving me which keeps my dates very interested in who I am. You’ll come to see that, in this list, most of the families in games are extremely broken.

Now, we’ll be looking at every game on the list and assessing the families that show up. Are they full nuclear families? Is it the main character’s family? Does some random NPC have a full family? Is the family implied or very specifically shown to be a family? How long does the family last in the game? The whole game? Part of it? Is there bizarre time travel shenanigans in this family? Single father? Single mother? Only child or siblings? Orphaned but remembers their parents? God, broken families are really just way more interesting.

I’ll be grouping together entries in the same series if the sequels don’t add any nuclear families or families in general. Let’s begin with all the PC games I had because they remind me of my very lovely, unbroken childhood.

Backyard Sports Series (Baseball, Football, Soccer, Hockey, Basketball) – Every kid in the Backyard Sports series lives in a monkey’s paw universe. All the inhabitants of the games are children and professional athletes aged back into their child years. No adults to stop them from playing baseball all day, and no adults to properly guide Dante Robinson through his adult-onset diabetes, whenever that comes. No nuclear families.

Pajama Sam Series (No Need to Hide When It’s Dark Outside, Thunder and Lightning Aren’t So Frightening, You Are What You Eat from Your Head to Your Feet, Life is Rough When You Lose Your Stuff) – Pajama Sam is about a kid who puts on pajamas to confront tough psychological issues for eight-year olds, like being afraid of the dark and wanting to control weather. At the start of the games, Sam usually talks to his mother through his bedroom door before he goes confront the literal manifestation of his issue, but we never see his mom. Nor do we know if his dad is still around. Frankly, the fifth game of the series should’ve been about dealing with an absentee father. Unclear if nuclear family exists, but at least a single mom/only child.

Freddi Fish Series (Case of the Stolen Conch Shell, Case of the Hogfish Rustlers of Briny Gulch, Case of the Creature of Coral Cave) – I’ll be honest, I remember nothing about Freddi Fish 1 or 2 so I can’t fully tell you Freddi and Luther’s relationship. I’m pretty sure they’re cousins that like to hang out and solve mysteries. In the third game, you help Luther’s uncle out of jail, which, woah, this is a children’s game, guys. Don’t be teaching the wrong lessons. Anyway, none of the three Freddi Fish games I have show either main character have a nuclear family and that makes sense because everyone is a fish. I don’t think fish see the nuclear family as the point of life. No nuclear families.

Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo – There are other Putt-Putt games, but this was the only one I played and remember. Mostly for the sick hockey minigame. Putt-Putt is a sentient car living in a world with a bunch of other sentient cars. They put together their own society that looks a lot like a medium-sized town in America right down to having a zoo that you save, but, uh, this car society doesn’t prioritize the nuclear family. Putt-Putt owns a dog that he takes care of like family but is very much on his own in this crazy world despite coming off as a very young, innocent, naive car. Someone help this poor boy out. No nuclear families.

Spy Fox in Dry Cereal – Spy Fox is just a parody of James Bond who was notorious for never settling down. Now, Spy Fox is also a children’s games series, so he doesn’t tear through girlfriends in the same way James Bond does, but he also never wants to settle down either. His wisecracking lets him seem suave at the poker table but not with the ladies. Better luck next time, Spy Fox. No nuclear families.

I think that’s all the Humongous Entertainment titles I played and they were the only PC games I ever truly adored. So it’s onto the first console I owned: the PS1.

NBA Live 99, Backyard Soccer, Cool Boarders 4, Cool Boarders 3, Spyro 2: Ripto’s Rage!,  Tiger Woods 99, Test Drive Off-Road, Woody Woodpecker Racing, Cool Boarders 2, World Cup Golf, Nascar 99, MLB 99, David Beckham’s Soccer – These are all sports games with digital athletes populating the world. Don’t try and convince me that one of those flat 2D textures masquerading as a fan in the bleachers is actually a nuclear family! No nuclear families.

The Land Before Time: Great Valley Racing Adventure – A quick Wikipedia search shows that the first movie in the Land Before Time series is about Littlefoot coping with his mother dying because of his own dang fault. He also did not know his father. Now that’s an interesting family dynamic! Shockingly, this racing spinoff of the Land Before Time franchise does not deal with Littlefoot’s survival guilt nor tell me if any of the other playable characters had nuclear families, but it did teach me what the word “traction” meant. No nuclear families.

Crash Bandicoot Series (2: Cortex Strikes Back and Crash Team Racing) – Crash Bandicoot is a lab animal created by mad scientist Dr. Neo Cortex to help him achieve world domination. Now some English majors may take a crazy close reading hot take on his backstory and say that Cortex only wanted a son and a normal family, but, uh, no. Crash has both a girlfriend and younger sister (somehow, even though she too must’ve been created in a lab) but no actual, biological parents nor his own wife and kids. And neither does Cortex. Sad, but despite the use of mad science, there is no nuclear science to be found. No nuclear families.

Spyro the Dragon Series (1, 2: Ripto’s Rage, Year of the Dragon) – The Spyro the Dragon universe is a mess, family-wise. There are zero female adult dragons in the games. The only child in the universe is Spyro. All the other dragons are different versions of your cool uncle that never settled down and like four grandpas. And no place in the Dragon Realms, nor Avalar, nor literal Other Side of the World has a single normal family, and I’m including all the NPCs Spyro hangs out with when accounting for this. In fact, the third game is all about rescuing dragon eggs but who birthed them if the only three prominent female characters are an evil rhynoc Sorceress, a bunny named Bianca, and a kangaroo named Sheila??? We’ll keep an eye on this series as it moves onto other consoles, but man. Just men. No nuclear families.

Up next is the Game Boy Advance. We’ll finally have a game that has a full nuclear family in this set of games, but the rest are just as lacking.

Pokemon Leaf Green – Your character was explicitly raised by a single mother. The rival character, the only other being in this game that had much thought put behind their backstory, has a sister and a grandfather. No town in the game has a full nuclear family. This game teaches you to care about pets more than about your family. Although you don’t use your family to battle with other people in these games–just your pets.

Mario GBA Games (Mario Pinball Land, Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros 3, Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga) – I’m not going to riff much on Mario and Luigi’s parents being missing their whole lives. That sort of parental neglect will lead to risky behavior and early deaths. They’re fortunate to have so many extra lives. The crazy part is that the RPG of Superstar Saga features lots of NPCs with their own brothers and backstories, but not a single nuclear family. Prince Peasley was raised by a single mother, the queen. The Hammer Brothers are actual brothers! Heck, even the bad guys seem to want a family. How else can you explain Popple’s aggressive recruiting? Or Cackaletta and Fawful’s, uh, unique relationship? There’s a lot of souls yearning for family in Superstar Saga, and none of them have it. No nuclear families.

Kirby and the Amazing Mirror – The pink puff of power is split into four separate entities and tasked with repairing a broken mirror in order to come together again. This is very much a solo soul-searching affair. Though the split into four would suggest a want for a family of four, it’s more indicating a Kirby who feels broken into four personalities and beings. Each Kirby consumes in order to fill the open space in their heart only to find it just as empty as before. Truly a tragic, introspective game. Oh, and Kirby gets over it by killing a circular robot with one eye, so all those struggling with split personalities in the comments should try that. No nuclear families.

Spyro: Season of Ice and Spyro 2: Season of Flame – Not much has changed in the Spyro universe since the PS1 days. Bianca and Hunter are now fully in a stable relationship as indicated by the constant annoying things Hunter does with Bianca taking them in stride, but the cheetah and bunny are probably far away from having kids. These games have Spyro rescuing fairies and fireflies, and neither group have families, so guess what? These games have no nuclear families.

Backyard Hockey – On the tiny, pixelated screen, Achmed Khan and Amir Khan are even further away from their parents as their very representations are warped beyond human recognition to fit on the GBA’s 2″ by 3″ universe. Tragic. No nuclear families.

Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones – Ooh, this is the closest we’ve gotten to a nuclear family so far! The main characters are a pair of royal siblings (boy and girl! first time for two kids) that unfortunately have no mother, but had a loving father that raised them. Until he was mercilessly killed by a demon that took over their childhood friend who is also a royal who seemed to be raised by just one parent. Or at least killed his parents once taken over. Most of the main characters in this game are royalty and none of these royal families are a simple king and queen with children. And then there’s side characters that almost have nuclear families. Ross and his dad fight for your army! But they never mention his mother, nor a sibling, so it’s only halfway there. There might be a character with a family untouched by war, but basically everyone in Sacred Stones is fighting because they lost someone they loved. Meanwhile, I joined the army because I flunked out of community college. Video games are so unrealistic. Some families, none nuclear.

Mega Man Battle Network 1-6 – Finally, a game with a stable family. The main character, Lan Hikari, has a father and a mother who are very supportive of him. He also, uh, had a twin brother who died in childbirth (or very young, can’t quite remember) whose soul was then programmed into a computer for Lan to play with on the internet. How touching yet kinda creepy when written out. But there you go! Lan Hikari may be an only child if you only count alive humans, but his brother makes his presence felt constantly and they basically grew up together. The real problem with this nuclear family is how the father is more married to his work than his wife and thus doesn’t show up physically for much of Lan’s life, but at least he’s supportive when he’s there! The Hikaris are close to a nuclear family, but only have sons and one of the sons is a computer program.

Mother 3 – Lucas, Claus, Hinawa, and Flint start the game as a nuclear family, and, by the end of chapter 1, Hinawa’s dead, Claus goes missing, Flint spirals into depression, and Lucas tries to work through all of this change on his own as an eight year old. Other characters in this game have similar sob stories, and not a single family appears to be whole. Lots of single parents or dead children. Mother 3 is not a cheery game. But hoo boy is it worth playing. Nuclear family broken by the end of the game.

Super Monkey Ball Jr. – The Super Monkey Ball characters are four monkeys trapped in balls with no ability to move. They are instead moved by the abstract landscapes their balls land on. When they see each other, they fight with large punching gloves or compete in bowling and golf. There is no family in the stark Super Monkey Ball universe. No nuclear families.

ATV: Quad Power Racing – Sports game that I played for ten minutes, and then never again. Someone in the comments can tell me if one of the motorcycle rider jpgs has a backstory with a family. Thanks in advance. No nuclear families.

Now that we’re past these old, old games and on to the very recent Gamecube era. Wait, the Gamecube came out 19 years ago? God, if the Gamecube was my son, he’d be able to vote. Too bad I have no clue what my actual son is doing right now.

Super Monkey Ball – I just went over this series. If the game with “Jr.” in its title didn’t have a nuclear family, how could the “Sr.” game have a family? No nuclear families.

NFL Blitz 2003 and MLB Slugfest 2003 – Sports games. Each of them have a gimmick that make their sports more dangerous versions of games that already carry the risk of giving anyone playing a concussion, so of course neither of these games have a loving family anywhere on the disc. No nuclear families, but a nuclear baseball or two.

Mario Series (Mario Superstar Baseball, Super Mario Strikers, Mario Party 5, Mario Party 6, Mario Party 7, Mario Kart Double Dash, Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix, Mario Golf Toadstool Tour, Luigi’s Mansion) – Most Mario games don’t involve a family in any shape or form. These are no exceptions. Special shoutout to the anti-family crossover of the Mario sports games. Sure, Bowser Jr. is Bowser’s canonical son, but Bowser is very much a single father. And the Baby Mario and Baby Luigi stuff just doesn’t make sense, so don’t think about it. We’ll discuss that more later. Luigi does show up to be a good brother in Luigi’s Mansion by rescuing Mario, but that’s about it. If only the parents showed Mario more love he wouldn’t have been trapped in a haunted mansion. Tragic. A friend did tell me that there is a loving ghost family that had kids who now stalk the mansion as a family, but all the kids are boys and all of them are dead so it doesn’t count. No nuclear families.

Kirby Air Ride – Out of every game not based in real life (i.e., not a sports game), Kirby Air Ride has the least amount of backstory of any game on this list. There is no explanation why Kirby has once again split into a bunch of copies of himself and started riding around on Warp Stars. There is no explanation how the Kirbies get to the stages they race on. There is no explanation of who lives in the city or who would want to when every 200 City Trials there’s a meteor strike. Kirby Air Ride is inexplicable, and I love it. No nuclear families.

Spyro Series (Legend of Spyro: A New Beginning and Spyro A Hero’s Tail) – Once again, zero families in either game. But in A Hero’s Tail we do get to see a prominent female dragon! She’s the head of the Dragon Nursery. Most other dragons are old dudes that wear sunglasses that wrap around their heads and complain on Twitter about having to wear masks. There are also two small dragon friends introduced in A Hero’s Tail to show Spyro has friends his age. But still no family. The Legend of Spyro is a ripoff of Lord of the Rings, right down to the main character being voiced by Elijah Wood. So Spyro shows up one day in Sparx’s life and actually is raised by his dragonfly family. This is so close to a nuclear family with Sparx’s dad, mother, Sparx, and Spyro all growing up and living together peacefully before the game starts. But then they’re torn apart by circumstance and never see each other again in the entire trilogy, so even though there was a nuclear family in Legend of Spyro, it does not get restored. Nor does Spyro make a new one by the end of the trilogy (unless you wrote fanfiction about Spyro and Cinder and who can blame you). One nuclear family broken.

Mega Man Network Transmission – This is a spinoff of the Megaman Battle Network games. The Hikaris are still thriving as a family, even though the mother continues to let in shady people to work on her ovens. That’s as far as I can get because this game is very difficult and makes no sense to me, gameplay-wise. I should’ve just put this under the earlier Megaman Battle Network entries but this game is different on many levels. Still the same nuclear family.

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door – I separated this Mario game from the other ones because there’s a lot more world-building and characters here compared to other Mario games. Too bad that the world Mario finds himself in is called Rogueport and filled with shady criminals and broken families. Just take Koops’ family–raised by a single father, he is a broken shell of a man when Mario first meets him. Or the Shadow Siren sisters? There’s a lot of sibling abuse there. At least all three dragon siblings seem to like and support each other. And yet there are few parents in any family to overlook their progeny. The Punis kinda make a family in their tree, but, it’s just siblings and an elder. You can only imagine Mario’s parents smiling down from Glitzville on his son as he re-seals the Thousand Year Door. Or maybe they voted for the Shadow Queen. No nuclear families.

Robots – The licensed game of the Disney or Pixar movie was something I put in my Gamecube once, played for ten minutes, then never touched again. Once again, someone down in the comments can tell me about this one. Also, all the characters are robots so it doesn’t count!!!! No human families.

Crash Tag Team Racing – New characters were made for this Crash Bandicoot spinoff and there’s even a small, weird family introduced! Somehow or another, Pasadena O. Possum (a possum) is related to Ebeneezer Von Clutch (a weird German cyborg). And Dr. Cortex’s niece, Nina, also shows up. But there are absolutely no families in this game that takes place in a giant theme park. Von Clutch really needs to do a better job marketing to the nuclear family demographic. No nuclear families.

Pokemon Series (Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness and Pokemon Coliseum) – These very mature and edgy Pokemon games purposely leave out the main character’s family to make them seem even more like young adult fictio–oh, I’m being told that not having a full family is just normal for Pokemon main characters. Regardless, none of the NPCs are explicitly nuclear families despite the high likelihood the main antagonist was secretly the sibling of one of your close friends or something like that. I don’t remember these games well. No nuclear families.

Super Smash Bros. Melee – This is basically a sports game, and very close to Kirby Air Ride in how little backstory or reason the game gives for the events occurring. But I am perfectly alright with there being zero depictions of family in a game where every character is tasked with beating someone else up. That’d be awful parenting. No nuclear families.

Donkey Kong Jungle Beat – I don’t think any of the playable Kongs in Donkey Kong Country make up a direct, intimate, nuclear family, so I definitely don’t think any of the Kongs DK beats up in this game are related to him. Or, I hope not. They’re all evil! DK’s family reunions would be so awkward after this game since he beat everyone else in the family up. Really, Kong is probably a super common name in the DK universe. Just like “Johnson”. But Donkey Johnson: Jungle Beat wouldn’t have been a good name. No nuclear families.

The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures – Imagine I copypasted what I wrote about Kirby and the Amazing Mirror and replaced “Kirby” with “Link”. Including the part where I called Kirby the “pink puff of power” or whatever. None of the Links in Four Swords are pink, but it still works. This is about one man learning to work with all his different selves, just like Amazing Mirror. No nuclear families.

Phew! Four game systems down, five to go. Only problem is that I have way more games for these five systems than the previous four. Starting with the GBA’s successor, the DS! This system has a bunch more story-driven games so we’ll see a lot more families in general. But you’ll be shocked to know that, of these families, there are very, very few nuclear ones. Let’s dive in!

Guitar Hero On Tour Decades – Hopefully the last game on this list that I played for five minutes before never touching again. My extensive research tells me that there are zero families in the Guitar Hero universe. No nuclear families.

Chrono Trigger – Every one of the main character trios in this game has a somewhat broken family. Your boy Crono just has a single mom. Princess Marle’s mom got killed but you rescue her through time travel and the family is together and happy again; just, uh, only one kid there so not full nuke. Lucca’s mom lost her legs in an accident but you also fix that through time travel and restore the family, or screw it up anyway, or just not know about the sidequest. Still, just one kid, so not full nuke. Magus has a sister! But only a single mom. And his sister also fuses with the thing that’s trying to destroy the world. Whoops. Ayla’s prehistoric values mean she has no concept of the nuclear family so she’s out. Robo and Frog have no family and it’s very mean of you to bring that up. No nuclear families, but four families that are kinda close.

Professor Layton Series (Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box & Professor Layton and the Unwound Future) – No, I didn’t play the Curious Village nor the Last Spectre, stop asking in the comments. There’s a very wealthy family at the center of Diabolical Box that started the whole “if you open this box, you’ll die” creepypasta that is the main mystery of the game. But it’s one dad with three sons all fighting over inheritance, and the middle son is abandoned by his wife before their kid is born. No nuclear families here. Unwound Future is the only time Professor Layton seems interested in starting a family–a bunch of flashbacks involve him going out with his first love, Claire. Too bad she died in an explosion. Oh, sorry. Spoilers. For the best sentimental moment in the Professor Layton series. Anyway, a lot of the game involves dealing with The Family, but they’re literal mobsters. Nothing close to a nuclear family here, either. Luke Triton’s family is revealed to be quite normal in Last Spectre but guess what? I haven’t played it so it doesn’t exist. No nuclear families.

Mario Series (Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story, Super Mario 64 DS, Super Princess Peach, Mario Hoops 3 on 3, Mario Party DS, Mario Kart DS, Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympic Games, New Super Mario Bros) – Another set of Mario games with zero nuclear families. Sad. Partners in Time gets close since Mario and Luigi act as great parents for Baby Mario and Baby Luigi but it’s just weird. They got the number right, but, um, it’s kinda cheating if the parents are also the babies. There might be implied families in Bowser’s Inside Story but no dialogue confirms the opening Toad house that sees the first cases of blorbs is a family house. I really don’t think I need to point out the rest of the list, though I do think that Mario and Sonic would make fine parents. No nuclear families.

Pokemon Series (Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Blue Rescue Team, Pokemon Soul Silver, Pokemon White, Pokemon Black 2, Pokemon Diamond, Pokemon Platinum) – It kind of is baffling that there’s just one generation of Pokemon games where the playable character is raised in a two-parent household. It is also baffling how few NPCs are even part of a family, let alone a nuclear family. Mostly because Pokemon NPCs are there to tell the player information more than to world-build. Pokemon Mystery Dungeon transforms the player into a Pokemon, and, since Pokemon are just animals with no human concept of family, your character gives up any hope of settling down and starting a family in order to become the top explorer. Also, I guess the main character does kind of join a communal family with Treasure Town, but that’s not nuclear at all! No nuclear families, just five separate games with single-mother households.

Kirby Series (Kirby Super Star Ultra, Kirby Squeak Squad) – What powers do you think Kirby would have if he had the ability to eat and copy abstract concepts? Like, imagine Kirby eating the concept of “nuclear family”. Would he split into four like in Kirby and the Amazing Mirror, or would he try to find a wife and start the family from scratch? I think Kirby has immense potential for some psychological soul-searching types of games if only Nintendo would read my fanfiction. Anyway, Dyna Bird may be trying to protect her eggs and the Squeak Squad are a mafia-esque “family”, but nothing close to a nuclear family in these games. No nuclear families.

Scribblenauts Series (Scribblenauts, Super Scribblenauts) – The gimmick of Scribblenauts is that the player can use the in-game keyboard to write any noun they can think of, and the game will generate that item in-game. Typing “family” spawns a terrier, a girl, a father, a mother, a teenager, a boy, and a baby. Typing “nuclear family” in Super Scribblenauts, where adjectives are allowed, turns all these fools sickly-green. However, this is cheating. I should’ve stipulated at the start that what I’m looking for is when game makers create families, and Maxwell does not have a family in the first two Scribblenauts games. He’s the only “character” in the games and he’s got NO ONE. He can create anything he wants with his notebook, but he can’t create… his own family. Truly, the Pygmalion of our times. No nuclear families, cheaters.

Legend of Zelda Series (Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass, Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks) – Unlike Princess Peach, Princess Zelda sometimes has a father. But, just like Princess Peach, we never meet her mother. Neither DS game gives Zelda any family, though. She’s just got a Chancellor that’s actually a demon (that’s what we call biting political commentary) and a pirate crew that she considers her family in these games. Link has even less family. His fairy protector Tael kinda acts as his annoying sister and Alonzo and Linebeck are basically his father figure, but there is nothing near a real complete family here. And none of the NPCs really have full families either. There’s some family intrigue with the Gorons in Phantom Hourglass, the mermaids are also all sisters, and there might be implied families in Castle Town in Spirit Tracks, but no nuclear families. Which is a shame since nuclear powered trains and ships just seem like great ideas, why has no one done that yet? No nuclear families.

Warioware DIY – Warioware is a series of games that are each collections of microgames that Wario and his company made to get rich quick. Wario’s family is comprised of George Washington, Andrew Jackson, and the other faces on bills and coins that I learned in fifth grade and don’t care to remember because it’s all about chips and cards, baby. In these games, a mad scientist has a daughter, and that’s about the extent of familial relationships around here. Shocking that a game all about indulging in some greed would forsake family. This must be the first piece of media to ever show the moral horrors of greed. No nuclear families.

Ninjatown – You know how I said I hoped Guitar Hero was the last game I played only for ten minutes on this list? Well, good news: I never played Ninjatown after buying it. I have no clue what’s in this game. The “town” part implies there’s gotta be a nuclear family or two rolling around, but the “ninja” part makes it seem less likely. Someone in the comments can sound off on this one. No nuclear families. Probably.

Dragon Quest V: Hand of the Heavenly Bride – This is the cutest family in all the games I’ve played, and it’s the first true nuclear family! Your male playable character picks a wife at the climax of the first half of the game (and if you don’t pick Bianca, by the way, you’re just wrong). Then, immediately after you get married, you’re turned to stone by the big bad demon and your wife gets away for long enough to give birth to twins, a boy and a girl, but is also captured. Your kids then free you from your stone prison after ten or so years pass, then you three all free your wife, and your entire family takes down the big demon together! It’s very, very cute. And since every winning family will be comprised of the father, mother, son, and daughter, it’s a true nuclear family! You may not fully fulfill the American dream without your white picket fence or steady job, but you have the perfect family. First nuclear family!

Henry Hatsworth’s Puzzling Adventure – Henry Hatsworth is basically a good-natured Wario. He’s trying to collect all the pieces of the ultimate gentleman’s outfit so he can be the finest gentleman in the land. I think his nephew helps him, but Hatsworth himself is pretty selfish. He has no immediate family since he focused too hard on being a wealthy genteel. Sad! He may seem jolly, but is he truly happy? Hard to say. No nuclear families.

Ace Attorney Series (Ace Attorney Investigations 1, Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney, Ace Attorney Investigations 2) – I’ve experienced every AA game–the original trilogy was a foundational experience for me–but I actually watched other people play through those games rather than play them for myself. I can tell you that no matter what AA game you play, there is not a normal family. Lots of single parents. Or, in Apollo Justice’s case, a half-sister he still doesn’t know about along with a mother and father he never knew, but the mother knows him very well. Phoenix’s parents are never brought up. The Feys ran away from their maternal society and also never met their father. Trucy Wright did know her mother and father, but her father was killed and her mother lost her memories. Miles Edgeworth’s dad was killed and he doesn’t bring up his mother. And these are just the tip of the iceberg! There’s a lot of families in these games, and a lot of twists are finding out whom is related to whom. Usually, it’s a sibling bond that’s cared about far more than a parental bond. Like the Gavin brothers, or the Meeni sisters, or Acro and Bat. The parents are usually absentee or single or dead. Pretty bleak stuff, but what do you expect out of a game series that’s just one big courtroom soap opera? No nuclear families, but a heavy interest in the concept of family and a bunch of broken families.

That’s done with the DS games. Onto the Wii. I think the Wii brought the most families together out of every video game console out there, yet there are very few families in any of the games I played. Let alone nuclear families.

Strong Bad’s Cool Game for Attractive People Series – The world of Homestar Runner is a bunch of twenty-somethings hanging around. The Strong brothers are, well, brothers, but there are no parents nor children. Just a bunch of friends hanging around. The SBCG4AP games keep that continuity and don’t try to make any new families, though some weird family plot twist would’ve made sense in Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective. Real funny games that people probably overlooked or don’t remember, give them a try! No nuclear families.

Mega Man 10 – Dr. Light is the truest of nerds. He made his own robot family instead of trying to go out with any humans. Mega Man and Roll are basically adopted children. And he did a good job raising them to be good people… other than constantly getting his son to fight Dr. Wily for the sake of the world. Putting his son in a lot of danger, there. All in all, it’s a nice single-parent household. With robot kids. Can’t stress that enough. No nuclear families.

Paper Mario – Talking about the N64 game here. I played it on the Wii’s virtual console. The original Paper Mario was a lot fuzzier and nicer in tone than The Thousand Year Door. There’s even a full nuclear family here! The first party member Mario gets is a Goomba named Goombario. He has a sister, Goombaria, a father, Goompapa, and mother, Goomama. He even has a grandpa, Goompa, and grandma, Gooma! It’s a full 3 generation nuclear family! He leaves the house to travel with Mario for the game, but it is implied he comes back home to the lovely nuclear family, complete with the white picket fence and well-mowed lawn! It’s a very cute family that seemed to achieve the American Dream in the crazy Mushroom Kingdom. I’d say the Goomba Family is the most shining example of the ideal nuclear family of any family in any game I’ve played. Gotta love it. One nuclear family.

Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars – This was originally released on the SNES, and I also played it on the Wii’s Virtual Console. There is a family in SMRPG, putting it apart from most Mario games. When Mario first meets the puffball Mallow, he says he was raised by frogs, and doesn’t know his real parents. Eventually, the party makes their way to Nimbus, where the King and Queen recognize Mallow as their son, grown up. Just like Goombario, Mallow stays with Mario to finish the quest, but it is implied he goes back home to his royal family afterwards. Mallow is an only child, but it’s pretty close to a normal family–outside of the whole “parents left their baby in a wicker basket so frogs could find and raise it”. Mallow doesn’t look a thing like Jesus, nor does he talk like a gentleman, but he’s more than you’ll ever know. There are no other confirmed families in SMRPG, though there are a few houses with Toads that imply family. Also, Geno is still single for all you ladies out there. Stable only-child family.

Kirby & Crystal Shards – This is the last of the virtual console games I got on the Wii. Crystal Shards is a beloved Kirby game where he can combine two copy abilities into one radical fusion ability. Sometimes, it’s sweet, like the lightsaber that comes from shock and cutter. Other times, it sucks, like the fire and ice combination that does basically nothing. But Kirby cannot combine himself with another being to make a family in this game. The best he can do is shoot a crystal shard gun at a one-eyed demon’s heart. No nuclear families.

Mario Series (Mario Kart Wii, Mario Party 8, Mario Strikers Charged, Mario Super Sluggers, New Super Mario Bros Wii, Super Mario Galaxy, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, Mario and Sonic at the 2010 Winter Olympic Games, Mario Sports Mix) – Yeah, uh, the closest any of these games get to family is in Super Mario Galaxy’s storybook segments. In them, you see how Rosalina got abandoned by her parents and became the Queen of the Cosmos when Lumas adopted her. Meanwhile, New Super Mario Bros. Wii lets a nuclear family of four play cooperative 2D Mario so everyone can get mad at each other, but I would not say Mario, Luigi, Yellow Toad, and Blue Toad make up a true family. Everything else is a Mario sports game which is aggressively anti-family in terms of backstory.

Wario Series (WarioWare Smooth Moves, Wario Land: Shake It!) – The haters out there would have me lump these two games in with the Mario series paragraph, and the haters may have a point. Wario Land ends with Wario saving a princess and getting the chance to, like, kiss her or something, and he instead takes her infinite bag of money and dips. This guy is so committed to capitalism he won’t even take a trophy wife. Most of the characters in the WarioWare universe are similarly unmotivated by family or even linked by family, other than Penny and Dr. Cryborg. WarioWare really holds up a mirror to capitalist society, and the view isn’t pretty. No nuclear families.

Rayman Raving Rabbids Series (Rayman Raving Rabbids TV Party, Rayman Raving Rabbids 2, Rabbids Go Home) – As much as I’d love to just not tell anyone I ever played these games, we’ll just go through them quickly. All 3 of these games are minigame collections starring demented looking bunnies that scream and throw plungers. That’s the entirety of their backstory until Rabbids Go Home. The goal of that game is to build a tower of trash to the moon where the Rabbids apparently came from. These screaming bunnies have no concept of family, just destruction. They must be stopped. Except for that plan to go to the moon. Help them out with that. No nuclear families.

Sonic Series (Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonic Unleashed) – The secret ring is not a wedding ring. I think Sonic Team learned after Sonic ’06’s Trial of Love what a nightmare it would be for Sonic the Hedgehog to marry anything. Sonic Unleashed does not refer to Sonic trying to get a divorce or him getting disowned, either. The only family Sonic has at the end of the games is his speed. There is a princess and a king in Sonic and the Secret Rings but it’s not like a big deal that they’re family. There’s no crazy plot twist there. Both games are pretty up front about every character’s agenda and the fact that they aren’t related. Lame! No nuclear families.

The Simpsons Game – Boo! Hiss! This is also cheating! I didn’t bring this up with the Robots game because I knew nothing about it, but licensed games in general go against the spirit of this exercise. Just like with health insurance, pre-existing nuclear families don’t count as nuclear families in video games. Unless the game makers made their own original nuclear family. The Simpsons are obviously modern America’s nuclear family circa 1990s-2000s. But I see no new characters in this game let alone new nuclear families so I’m gonna take a stand and say: No nuclear families.

Donkey Kong Country Returns – The Kongs are still not a nuclear family. Seriously, who gave birth to Donkey Kong if Cranky Kong is actually his father? And why’d they get a divorce? Diddy is still Donkey’s nephew, and Dixie is still Diddy’s cousin, so the Kong family tree continues to make no sense. Very nice of Retro Studios to keep confusing continuity like this for the reboot. No nuclear families.

Sports Games (Sega Superstars Tennis, Punch-Out!!, Super Smash Bros Brawl, Fortune Street, NHL 2K10, Madden 10, Wii Sports) – NHL, Madden, and Wii Sports are all self-explanatory as to why there are no nuclear families there. Before anyone asks, no, playing Wii Sports’ tennis with Miis of your own nuclear family doesn’t count as an in-game nuclear family because you created them. Game makers have to be the ones to have made them. Brawl, Superstars Tennis, and Fortune Street are all massive crossover games of a bunch of mascots who have their personalities showing the tiniest sliver possible. There is no character development in these games nor is there a nuclear family. And if there were it’d be cheating the same way The Simpsons Game cheated because no new nuclear families would have been made for the specific game, they were just there by consequence of the characters chosen. Finally, there might be a nuclear family watching from the stands Little Mac fight in Punch-Out!!, but all the characters we know anything about are very much single. Including that sexy hunk of a man, Super Macho Man. No nuclear families.

Super Paper Mario – There’s a billion original characters in Super Paper Mario, and all of them look like squares stacked on squares and aren’t related. Despite this, there are five notable families in the game. Squirps, an alien, is the last remaining member of a royal lineage, and nobly leads Mario to a Pure Heart after eating some chocolate. The fortune tellers are all related but basically the same age–no parents there. Luvbi is the adopted daughter of the leaders of the Overthere and Underwhere (think Heaven and, uh, the other place), and her family is probably the best example of any family in the game. Until it’s revealed Luvbi wasn’t actually “alive”, she was just a Pure Heart protecting itself by taking the shape of an angel. So she has no chance to go back to her parents after the game is over, sadly. Finally, Count Bleck and Tippi had a Romeo and Juliet romance before the game started that is told via black screen and text in a visual medium. Count Bleck’s father, who I think was single???, disapproved of it, and led Count Bleck to trying to elope. However, Count Bleck’s dad banished Tippi to the nether realm which led Bleck into despair and, instead of killing himself like in Romeo and Juliet, he decides to follow a prophecy that’ll destroy the world instead. Said prophecy starts with him trying to marry off Bowser and Peach together, which is the fifth noteworthy family. Man, Super Paper Mario was weird. No nuclear families, just a lot of weird ones.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess – I only rented this game once and made it through the Forest Temple in that time. Kakariko Village has plenty of families, and even one or two nuclear ones. Of course, my memory is so foggy of this game I literally could not remember so I had to look it up. But then all the websites that laid out the characters was too obtuse and it took too much time and I don’t really have that much of a connection to Twilight Princess. I’m pretty sure most of the families are either single-parent or single-child. Like Link and Ilia don’t have a mother, Colin doesn’t have a father, but I guess we got a nuclear family with Malo, Talo, Pergie, and Jaggle. My god are those names terrible. So there you go. At least one nuclear family, probably more with how many goddanged NPCs have backstories in this game.

And, with that, we made it through the Wii era. Lots of great games that I’ve spent so many hours on with that system. Mostly though, I just use the Wii to play Super Mario Strikers, not to closely examine video games’ world-building. Except for the world-building in Super Mario Strikers. Just how did Bowser build The Battle Dome? That’ll be for a different thinkpiece. Onto the 3DS, Nintendo’s finest handheld console.

Radiant Historia: Perfect Chronology – This game is a big JRPG soap opera, right down to the exciting reveal that the Princess of the “evil kingdom” and the main character you’ve been playing as are brother and sister. Obviously, they’ve been split since forever ago, and neither of them knew that they were related until some third party told them, so that’s not a great nuclear family. Other than that big twist, which, uh, spoilers, whoops, there isn’t a lot of interest in family ties in Radiant Historia: Perfect Chronology. When I type in “Radiant Historia family”, I just get results for the game being family-friendly, which, uh, I don’t think so. Lot of political and religious corruption going on here. Although it is very good at showing the potential effects of climate change. Nevermind, get every kid a copy so they can learn how important it is to stop climate change before it’s too late. No nuclear families.

Mario Series (Mario Sports Superstars, Mario Kart 7, Super Mario 3D Land, Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam, Mario & Luigi: Dream Team, Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga+Bowser’s Minions, Mario Golf: World Tour) – Yep, nothing on the family front here. There are some NPCs that mention they’re honeymooning in Dream Team, but they don’t have kids with them. Paper Jam aggressively avoids adding new characters, though the Toads make up a considerable hivemind. And Superstar Saga+ is just a remake of an old game on this list without a family with a mobile game added on. The other games are all sports spinoffs or 3D Land which is a mainline Mario game and thus has no family development. Shocking, I know, that there is again zero nuclear families in so many Mario games. No nuclear families.

Shantae and the Pirate’s Curse – Shantae is a genie that calls the old dude that released her “uncle” but she isn’t actually related to anyone. All of the Shantae characters are pretty unrelated, blood-wise. The game just isn’t about the characters, and it’s “about” the plot very loosely as well. It feels like it has a plot just because it has to have a plot to move the player forward. It also feels like it has scantily clad women because it has to move the player into WayForward’s tastes. Sorry, buddy, I’m only attracted to nuclear families, and I don’t see a single one here. No nuclear families.

Rhythm Thief and the Emperor’s Treasure – This is my pick for most-overlooked game on this list. I love this dumb half visual novel, half rhythm minigame piece of work. Family is important in Rhythm Thief. The main character was abandoned by his dad (and I don’t think knows his mom) and is searching for him by stealing a bunch of highly-priced art pieces. Don’t ask me how that’s supposed to help. The main female lead is an orphan who is led to her true mother during the course of the game, but that mom doesn’t accept her until the credits roll and says that their bloodline is that of France’s and Babylon’s. Don’t ask me how that makes sense, either. All you need to know is that you have three separate dance-offs with the resurrected corpse of Napoleon Bonaparte. This game rules and I am very sad it never got a sequel. No nuclear families.

Ace Attorney Series (Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice, Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies) – The Ace Attorney series stays true-to-form on the 3DS with a bunch of plot twists centered around family. Newcomer Athena Cykes has to personally grapple with her belief that she killed her own mom in Dual Destinies; her mom who raised her all by herself. Meanwhile, Apollo learns his real dad’s identity (but also sees him die with his own eyes) and meets his step-brother, or something like that. And Rayfa is in the middle of a tumultuous coup of her own royal family that got decimated and split, just like the Feys. And that’s just the main characters introduced in these two games! Basically every case has another set of NPCs involved that are siblings or somehow otherwise related. Closest thing we got to a nuclear family is that the parents of Hugh O’Conner have been paying the Themis Legal Academy staff to give him 100% on every test. Now that’s a loving only-child family. No nuclear families, but a whole bunch of messy families.

The Legend of Zelda: Link Between Worlds – Combining Hyrule and Lorule makes weird parallel dimension families if you were to assume both the Hyrule version of people and Lorule version of people would get along. Hey, it works in Super Paper Mario with Flipside and Flopside residents. Regardless, there is at least one single child family that requires no parallel world residents. Link’s childhood friend, Gulley, lives with his smithy dad and mom. They are basically a nuclear family with Link as a second brother since Link was abandoned or something like that when he was young and Gulley’s family essentially adopted him. The rest of the characters in Link Between Worlds are NPCs that don’t really have families. Two princesses and yet zero royal families. And most of these NPCs don’t even have names beyond “Housekeeper”, “Item Seller”, and, my favorite, “Bee Guy”. You think “Dampe?” has a family? A dude with a question mark in his name? No way. No nuclear families, but one cute single-child family that gets broken up when the son is a sage.

Super Smash Bros 3DS – I really should’ve just put this with the other Mario games. There are still no nuclear families in Smash Bros. Crazy Hand and Master Hand aren’t “related”, they’re the same dang person. And Master Core is just some malevolent energy; there’s no way it could have a family. It’s kinda sad that Smash Bros may be a real family game but there’s no family representation in the games. No nuclear families.

Pokemon Series (Pokemon Moon, Pokemon Alpha Sapphire) – Alpha Sapphire has one stable, single-child families. The main character has a father that isn’t often home because they’re a gym leader, and the mother mainly raises your character. It took three generations, but finally a Pokemon main character has a stable family. Too bad that Pokemon Moon’s main character just has a single mom, and the main plot of the game is about a formerly-nuclear family getting torn apart due to money. Just like real life. There’s a few characters in both games that explicitly have flavor text about their families, but none of them show up as one whole family so I can’t call them a true nuclear family. Especially when all there is is slight flavor text. No nuclear families.

Kirby: Planet Robobot – Kirby takes control of an invading robot to take the place of his family. Alright, I just made that up. What is Kirby’s end goal if not a family? In all the games, he’s a childlike figure. Only in Squeak Squad does he do something that he actively wants, which was to get a piece of cake. Planet Robobot has Kirby saving Popstar from invading robots… but it’s like he’s a white blood cell more than a willing force. He does it because he was born to do it. Also, there is a family in Robobot. The leader of the invading force is President Haltmann. He had a daughter named Susie who he believed died during an accident while trying to build a wish-granting supercomputer, though she was just sent to a different dimension. He then refocuses all his efforts on rebuilding that thing to wish her back but loses his memories of her in the process and becomes a twisted conqueror. Susie manages to come back and is hired as an executive assistant, but her dad still doesn’t recognize her. Kirby fights back but accidentally gives the supercomputer full power after defeating Haltmann because the computer somehow uses his soul to power up. And then the computer realizes that it didn’t need it and deletes Haltmann’s data. Just before the deletion is through, Haltmann remembers his true wish was to see his daughter again, and is deleted before he realizes Susie was his daughter all along. Yeah, maybe I cried a little at that scene. The Kirbyverse is a sad, lonely place! No nuclear families, just a dad who forgot his daughter…

Metroid: Samus Returns – Samus has no family other than her adopted bird family. Hopefully the reaction to Other M made it clear to the writers that the whole “mother to Metroids” thing was really freaking weird and we’ll never see it again. The whole point of the good Metroids is exploring a desolate place by yourself. Having a family would go against the point. This remake of Metroid 2 keeps the original’s themes by not introducing any new characters and especially no families. No nuclear families.

Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask – You never cared who I was before I put on the Miracle Mask – Professor Layton. I love this game so much. But, I’ll save that for the next video essay. We got two single-child families in this one. First off is Layton’s family. We finally get to meet his mom and dad during the flashback scenes, and they’re adorable. Second is Randall Ascot’s family, Professor Layton’s old friend. He was born to wealthy parents who loved him but wanted him to stop going on dangerous adventures. It is presumed the other members of this friend group also had good parents (except for Henry who explicitly was adopted by the Ascot family as their butler when he had nowhere else to go) but we aren’t told for certain like we are with Layton’s and Randall’s family. As for the present day city of Monte D’Or the game mostly takes place in, there are no families because it is fake Las Vegas. And nobody has family in Vegas. No nuclear families, two single-child families.

Professor Layton and the Azran Legacy – Azran Legacy does something no other game on this list does. It is the final game in the Professor Layton series starring Herschel Layton himself, and so it needs to wrap a bunch of plot threads up. And one of those is the fact that Herschel’s parents, who were introduced so lovingly in Miracle Mask, were not Layton’s biological parents. No, Herschel’s father was actually the bad guy mastermind all along and his biological brother was another very bad guy. But, despite these reveals, Layton says to his biological father that Roland and Lucille Layton were his parents, and he basically disowns his blood-related dad and brother. Pretty incredible, to be honest. This is the only game on this list where a family is retroactively shown not to be a “real family”. Gotta respect Layton for disowning the father that abandoned him, though. No nuclear families.

Layton’s Mystery Journey: The Millionaires’ Conspiracy – So, the hook of Layton’s Mystery Journey is that it stars Katrielle Layton, Professor Layton’s daughter. Her goal throughout the game is to find her father who has gone missing for some unexplained reason. She goes into detective work to do so, and picks up an assistant, Ernest Green. The final case in the game drops two bombshells. One, Ernest Green was all along the heir to a huge family fortune that he thought was stolen from him when his parents died in an accident and he went missing. No stable family there, anymore. Two, Kat says that she’s cracked the final riddle from her father, and says “I’m not really your daughter, am I?”. And then the credits roll. What, thought you’d get closure? Nope! Just more questions! And no families either. No nuclear families.

Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright – If you’d read my last diatribe of 6000 words, you’d know that nobody in this game is winning a “Father of the Year” award anytime soon. The Storyteller builds an elaborate fake city so neither he nor his daughter have to confront the truth that Espella might have killed her mother/his wife. And Eve Darklaw’s dad commits suicide after living this lie for like 10 years but also doesn’t tell his daughter any part of the truth, either. Who knows what happened to his wife, but man these guys suck as dads. The other NPCs in this game are brainwashed ex-criminals that came to get a fresh start in life. This game is weird. No nuclear families.

Fire Emblem: Awakening – Fire Emblem is a series about royal families enlisting their teenage children to fight in wars against demons. Awakening takes that concept further. The first royal family your main character wakes up in isn’t quite a nuclear family–the siblings are all real close, but their parents died young. And most of the people that your team recruits are orphans of war. But halfway through this game, something crazy happens. A character named Lucina comes from the future to fight with and warn your group of the catastrophic future that will come to be if this demon king won’t be killed. After some more plot, it’s revealed she’s Chrom’s daughter. Now, if the character you created is a woman who marries Chrom, that means she’s also your character’s daughter. And then your son, Morgan, also comes through a time portal a few chapters later, and your perfect nuclear family of Chrom, yourself, Lucina, and Morgan all come together to fight the demon lord. It’s a lot like Dragon Quest V’s nuclear family in that regard. This family isn’t quite as loving as DQV’s but I’ll forgive it. Nuclear family via time travel.

Fire Emblem: Fates  Fates was the next Fire Emblem after Awakening. Although it doesn’t follow the plot from Awakening, it does do the same “make your own character, marry anyone, and your kids will fight with you” thing. This time, the kids magically age up in realms where time passes way quicker rather than having them travel back in time from the future. I don’t know if that’s more or less ridiculous. Anyway, the main character will always have a son if they are a woman or a daughter if they are a man, so the only requirement to get a nuclear family is for your main character to marry someone that will always have a kid of the main character’s gender, regardless of whom that character marries. Man, having kids is so easy when you can look up exactly who gets born and with what traits. Oh, and Fates also has a bunch of uncomfortable almost incest stuff that always gets explained away as “not actually incest” unless you marry Azura in which case the ending is “surprise, incest!”. If you want to play Fates, just don’t read any text. One nuclear family brought together by magical time realms.

Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia – This is a remake of an old NES game, before game makers knew how to appeal to the lowest common denominator with character creation and marriage. So there is none of that stuff here that was in Awakening or Fates. As such, the royal families sending their kids to war always have at least one relative dying so there’s no perfect nuclear family. I’m sure Alm and Cellica will eventually have kids but thankfully they don’t have them in this game to fight as time-travelling soldiers. No nuclear families.

Zero Escape: Virtue’s Last Reward – This game makes zero sense once completed, but the journey to completion is fascinating. I’ll be honest, one of the nine individuals in this game may have mentioned having a full family (Clover at least has a brother that we know of), but this game is so obtuse in explaining literally anything that it was probably buried in an optional conversation or document. Do not ask me anything about what happened in this game because I remember none of it. No nuclear families.

Zero Time Dilemma – You thought the way nuclear families came together in Fire Emblem was ridiculous? Buddy, this game has the craziest nuclear family in all of video games. And I’m not talking about Carlos’ family growing up, which was a stable nuclear family of father, mother, sister, daughter before an arsonist set ablaze his house, killing his parents. I’m talking about Sigma and Diana’s family. They romantically come together in a parallel timeline/bad ending where they get trapped in the doomsday shelter section of the nuclear bunker the game is set in. They spend literal years together in this shelter because it has all the necessities to keep them alive before Sigma gets Diana pregnant. They eventually figure out that how to work the literal time travel machine in their doomsday shelter and send the kids back in the past. The kids, named Phi and Delta, grow up in the “past” and just so coincidentally make it to the exact nuclear bunker Sigma and Diana do at the start of the game. There’s a touching scene where Phi realizes that they’re her parents and then a few scenes later it is revealed Delta was the masked dude forcing all the people in Zero Time Dilemma to do absolutely insane things in this nuclear bunker or else the apocalypse will happen (the Zero Escape series makes zero sense). So by the end of the game the whole family is together in one stable timeline. But probably not the stablest of nuclear families. Except for the fact that the true end jumps back in time to just before all of them go into the nuclear bunker and thus the family is somehow aware they’re all family but no longer as willing to be connected or something like that. I’m still counting it because this treatment of family is so weird and a driving reason I wanted to examine all families in all the games I’ve played. Two nuclear families, only one that comes together and “stays” together by the end.

That was the last of the 3DS games. I did forget one PC game earlier on the list, so I’ll discuss that now.

Danganronpa V3: Killing Time Harmony – Some of the 16 main (and only) characters in Danganronpa V3 have families. But if you read my last post, you’ll know that the ones they think they remember in the course of this game are all fake families from fake memories. They all had their true personalities erased and replaced with fictitious ones, and the survivors are no closer to remembering their biological families when they’re released from their reality TV show prison. So, just like with Professor Layton vs. Ace Attorney, I can’t for sure say any of these guys grew up in a nuclear family or not. And, no, Monokuma and the Monokubs are not a nuclear family–they’re robot bears. No nuclear families.

Just a quick detour for two mobile games here:

Dragalia Lost – This game’s story hasn’t finished and new characters keep getting introduced because it’s a mobile gacha game, so there’s plenty of time for at least one character to be born in a nuclear family. But, uh, between the some-odd 150+ playable characters and the 100+ NPCs, there is nothing resembling a normal family anywhere. Especially the main character’s family. This guy has like eight siblings but his mom died young and his dad died right in front of him and one of them got possessed by the ancient demon and the other six are varying shades of actively unhelpful or un-family-like. And the only times family is brought up during character stories is usually to mention “oh, a member of my family died because of the demons or the civil war”. Just like Fire Emblem, the soldiers on your team have all been touched by the war. No nuclear families.

Florence – This is a 30-minute mobile game that tells the tale of the titular Florence as she goes through a rollercoaster of a romantic relationship. It ends poorly, but it does inspire her to be better with her mother! She does not speak with her father at any point so we have no clue if she was in a stable single-child family or if she was brought up by only her mother. Also, we never meet the guy’s family. And those are the only two characters. No nuclear families.

And, finally, we come to the most recent console generation with the three Switch games I’ve played to close out this entire thing.

Spyro: Reignited Trilogy – This is a remake of the original Spyro trilogy. It is extremely faithful at remaking the original, so no new characters or families. Bartholomew and Bentley remain yeti brothers with no parents to speak of. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a depiction of Bigfoot with family nor a full supernatural being family. We just assume they’re all lonely individuals. Well, except for the designers behind these brothers. No nuclear families.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild – Breath of the Wild is set in a post-apocalyptic society 100 years after the apocalypse. And again Zelda only has a father (who is dead) and no mother or family. Link is similarly without family or even memory. Now, there are families of NPCs that are pretty close to nuclear or maybe even are nuclear, but there’s too many of them and the family relationships aren’t ever fully explicit. Like, some families have had loss, such as Prince Sidon’s family losing Mipha, his brother. And some families look fully nuclear, like a Rito family appears to have a father, mother, and a bunch of daughters. But I am too lazy to track down all this info because there are simply too many NPCs in this game. You’d think I wouldn’t be lazy since I’ve spent… 10+ hours or so just thinking about and writing this whole thing, but I’m tired and the point of Breath of the Wild isn’t for Link to marry Zelda and start a nuclear family anyway. It’s to climb mountains. Probably a nuclear family somewhere around there but I can’t be bothered.

Super Mario Odyssey – The original Odyssey by Homer involved lots of love and lover’s revenge but the Mario adaptation of the classic goes out of its way to shoot down any romance. Peach is being forced to marry Bowser (again!) when she doesn’t want to, and then when she’s rescued by Mario she explicitly turns him down too. So there are no good examples of human families in Super Mario Odyssey. However, Cappy and his sister Tiara are half a nuclear family despite being sentient ghost hat creatures, so there’s that. Most other NPCs in Super Mario Odyssey get barely one line of dialogue that is never used to describe their family situation. Which is to my chagrin because I want to know who the dang purple dragon is related to. Maybe it was Spyro all along? No nuclear families.

Mario Kart 8 Deluxe – And we end this long freaking list with one last Mario game for the road… literally! Get it? Because it’s Mario Kart? Sigh. You already know that the existence of Baby Rosalina in this game doesn’t mean there’s a fully-formed nuclear family in the Mario universe. We know from Super Mario Galaxy that she doesn’t have a family to raise her! And Pink Gold Peach would be an awful mother, anyway. I’d much rather be raised by Waluigi, to be honest. No nuclear families.

So there you have it. Every game I’ve ever played and a “close” examination at the families that make each of them up. Now, I’ll admit it; there are a lot of video games I haven’t played that care about the concept of family. I have massive blind spots when it comes to the games I consume. Yet it does feel shocking to put up this entire list of over 125 games and have fewer than 10 nuclear families. There was a time when every piece of English fiction had a happy ending with a wedding and two kids. Now, granted, that time was somewhere in the 1700-1800s, but it is clear that the modern day art form of video games (and other media probably) are not as interested in that same happy ending. Usually, the happy ending in games is saving the world, or, failing that, a person. The once-universal appeal of marriage and children is no longer a stranglehold on fiction. Perhaps the literal content of video game stories is the main reason birth rate is dow-hahahah I can’t even finish that thought with a straight face.

Thanks for reading. If I missed any important nuclear families in any of these games or if there’s a prominent nuclear family in another game that I missed, please let me know in the comments.

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DRV3 vs PL vs. PW: AA


Danganronpa V3 and Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney are both video games. I start my essay with the simplest of truths because that was one of the ways middle school English claimed was best for hooks, but I don’t think that is the most captivating first line. But, I’d argue, both Danganronpa V3 (DRV3) and Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (PLxAA) are captivating video games. Each of them take the player and its characters on a series of twists and turns before coming to a divisive ending that attempts to explain every crazy thing that’s happened before.

I think DRV3 sticks the landing extremely well in how it explains everything and executes its moral message, but that belief is hotly debated. There is probably a 50/50 split of people who loved or hated the ending of DRV3 because of how wild the twist is. However, to illustrate why I think DRV3’s ending was great, it would help to compare the ending to another game with a very similar structure and themes that very much did NOT stick the landing. It is wrong to call the ending of PLxAA “divisive” in the sense of people being divided on whether it was bad or good; rather, people are divided on whether the explanation is SO bad that it’s funny enough to make up for its ludicrousness, or not. But for this comparison of the differences between the games’ endings to work, I have to get you to agree that the games are similar enough to warrant this comparison. As such, let’s run through the important similarities between DRV3 and PLxAA.

Of course, to even discuss the similarities of the endings, I need to give a basic overview of each game’s ending which requires going through each game’s basic plot. DRV3 is the story of 16 high schoolers forced to play a killing game in their closed-off-to-the-outside-world high school. To win this game, a character must kill another person and then be found not guilty of the crime by a jury of their peers. Due to the threat of violence from a robotic bear, the 16 high schoolers play the game. After five rounds of the survivors figuring out each killer, the remaining five survivors figure out why they were forced into the game in the first place. It turns out that the game they’ve been playing is a reality TV show that is broadcast to the world 24/7. The remaining five are then told that everyone who played this game was a willing participant who had their memories and personalities erased and replaced. Outraged beyond belief, the remaining five make a plea to the watching world that, though their past selves were willing participants, their current selves are very unwilling after seeing 11 of their friends killed for the sake of entertaining the masses. Even though the show is the only form of violent entertainment left in the Utopian society that is the “real world” of the Danganronpa universe, the masses watching the killing game agree with the survivors and vote that the show be discontinued forever.

There is so much to unpack from DRV3’s wild ending, but we’ll get there later; now, it’s onto PLxAA’s plot. Professor Layton and his assistant Luke Triton receive a letter from one of the Professor’s old students. In this letter, the student claims that he is trying to save a girl from a gaggle of witches, and has sent the woman, Espella Cantabella, to the Professor so he can help keep her safe. The witches end up finding the Professor, Luke,  and Espella in their home city of London, and the trio run away. Eventually, they come to a ship that they attempt to stowaway on, but Espella is found and Luke and Layton are “sucked into” her magical book. The lawyer Phoenix Wright and his assistant Maya Fey are called to defend Espella in court after she has been charged with trespass and assault on a ship, and the duo clear her name in the British court. However, they too get sucked into Espella’s magic book to the land of Labryinthia.

Layton, Luke, Phoenix, Maya, and Espella all somehow meet up in the weird medieval town of Labrynthia. Here, the worst crime is to be a witch that can use magic, because magic is real in Labrynthia. Espella has long been suspected as having been a witch by the residents within Labrynthia, and the four characters continue to try and protect her innocence in witch trials. Eventually, the four characters investigate Labrynthia enough to sniff out the mastermind behind the world, and have him explain what the deal with the town was. It turns out that Labrynthia is a research facility to test the limits of a mind-altering substance that’s in the groundwater of the town. The inhabitants are people who willingly signed up to be brainwashed into having a new, peaceful life as a member of a fake society, and the witch business… well, I’ll talk about PLxAA’s “explanation” of magic later. In short, the mastermind set up Labrynthia as such in order to help his daughter, Espella, cope with the trauma of her mother dying in a fire due to her own fault.

If you read those past two paragraphs and started laughing at the absurdity of PLxAA, I don’t blame you. Especially in comparison to how nice and compact the entire plot of DRV3 can be summarized. But it really helps to have a baseline understanding of the two games’ endings before I get into how they are similar, and how they differ. Even if the baseline summary of both leave out so much of what makes these games special. I probably should’ve put a spoiler warning in the title of this, but I still think the journey through each game is worth it–even knowing the endings.

So, you probably already picked out some similarities, but I want to start with basic, fundamental similarities in gameplay itself. Both DRV3 and PLxAA are visual novels. You spend most of each game pressing the same button to advance textboxes. The gameplay in each is centered around “trials” in the legal sense. In the world of Labrynthia, Espella is put on trial 4 dang times, 3 of which are literal witch trials where if she’s found guilty of being a witch, she’ll be burned at a stake. As for DRV3, the trial is one among peers only. The group discusses and determines who committed the murder that started the trial with the stakes being, if the group gets it wrong, everyone but the killer dies; if they get it right, the killer is executed. Both games have extreme, life-or-death stakes in these trials, and the way the trials ebb and flow make the games exciting.

Furthermore, both games are about the central truth of the world. The classmates (wrong term since they weren’t actually classmates prior to the game, but still) in DRV3 are trying to figure out what exactly happened to their families, to their friends, and to their world. Meanwhile, the group in PLxAA are trying to understand how magic in Labrynthia works, who the Storyteller is, and how all the strange pieces fit together. Both of these worlds have been expertly faked by a central figure or authority with a major financial backing. And, in one of the strangest shared details, both authority figures have managed to secure a large group of willing participants to not only join their fake world but also have their memories replaced with fake ones. Fake people for fake worlds. Of course, there is a slight difference here; the citizens of Labrynthia besides the Storyteller’s direct family are comprised of former criminals or poor people looking for a fresh start. The kids in DRV3’s classroom are made of young adults who were rabid fans of the TV show Danganronpa that wanted to be there, rather than it being a last resort. Still, it’s quite intriguing to me how both games have a vast majority of the cast being willfully brainwashed.

Another interesting piece of similarity is in the games’ execution. I mentioned earlier that the games are centered on trials, especially in gameplay. So it only makes sense that both games have the central figure flushed out and confess the truth of the world in the middle of a trial. Now, the two games differ greatly on how… “good” this confession is, but both games do the same thing! Furthermore, the central figure behind the shadows in DRV3 and PLxAA is always shrouded, but always hinted at. The Storyteller is fishy from the moment you step into Labrynthia since he has large parades in which he throws paper into the air that predicts exactly what happens next. The central cast member behind DRV3’s set-up is a mystery from the start–the first murder happens because one of the cast members is convinced another is the central mastermind, and pretty much each murder after has a similar motive.

But, not only is the truth of the central figure always foreshadowed in DRV3 and PLxAA, the truth of the world is constantly teased at. There is a mural in Labrynthia’s library that teaches the main cast the “mythical history” of the city, and cryptic hints come from other characters about the truth. DRV3 has a bunch of small scenes during the investigations and between murders that provide its own foreshadowing of the truth of the world. For both worlds, all this foreshadowing ends up being red herrings. There isn’t a single piece of history in Labrynthia that even HINTS at the truth of magic or the world, and each crazy reveal about the outside world in DRV3 is faker than the last. No one even thinks or speculates that the high school is simply the setting of a TV show, despite everyone noticing the amount of cameras around the school.

The last similarity between the two is another rather surface-level similarity, but provides a good jumping off point to talking more heavily about the differences between the games. Each game is a sequel in its respective series. DRV3 is the final game in the Danganronpa trilogy. Well, okay, there was an anime that was the “true” finale of the original trilogy along with a weird third-person survival horror shooter spinoff game between DR2 and the anime, and DRV3 is more the end to Danganronpa, the concept, than the series, BUT STILL. Point is, DRV3 was the much-anticipated closer after both the spinoff shooter and the anime left a sour taste in the mouth of most fans. PLxAA, on the other hand, is a spinoff crossover sequel between two extremely established franchises. It is here where we can finally start sorting out the differences between the effectiveness of each ending.

As I just said, PLxAA is the crossover spinoff of two franchises. This immediately puts real-world constraints on the game’s plot. First of all, nothing of major consequence can happen to the main cast. Imagine if Luke died in a spinoff crossover game–fans would be furious that something that big happened in such a way. Secondly, the game had real-world constraints put on its plot that went far beyond this basic constraint. At first, as the name would imply, PLxAA was originally planned to be a full-length battle of wits between Professor Layton and Phoenix Wright. But as the writing process went on, neither main character writer for either series could agree as to how this battle of wits would go on without making either Professor Layton or Phoenix Wright look dumb. Each writer had such a strong tie to their created character that they couldn’t bear to write them as a loser. Thus, PLxAA’s plot is at an immediate disadvantage for being unable to have an ending with meaningful consequences for either half of the main cast. The ending must wrap up the entire story with all characters unscathed, looking smart, and full freedom to go anywhere from there.

On the other side, though DRV3 was a highly-hyped sequel in an established series, the main cast of DRV3 can be messed around with much more easily. After DR1, DR2 had a full turnover of the main cast, aside from two stragglers. The games already told fans that they shouldn’t get too attached to any characters since they probably won’t be back again. Furthermore, the series’ hook of solving murders necessitates dire consequences for the main cast, so anything goes as for plot purposes. Thus, DRV3’s writing staff had a lot more ability to do whatever they felt when it came to writing an ending. This isn’t to say the writers had no pressure–I think that both PLxAA and DRV3 are very comparable in terms of the amount of pressure placed on the writing staffs since all three series have rabid fanbases and equally rabid haters that’ll be immensely disappointed with any sort of weakness (just look at how people trash DR’s anime or case 3 in Justice For All)–but the DRV3 writers had so much more freedom.

I already said that PLxAA suffered from having to use pre-established characters that couldn’t suffer real consequences. Another major issue with the game using pre-established characters is a far more meta problem: a player cannot identify themselves as Professor Layton or Phoenix Wright. These characters have personalities and appearances that are well-established by the point of this game. Unlike in, say, Skyrim, where a player can customize their character’s appearance and govern their personality, players more guide Professor Layton or Phoenix Wright through their obstacles. A player cannot even speak for Professor Layton or Phoenix Wright the same way a player might think of their own comebacks when playing as a silent protagonist. This fundamental problem of being unable to identify with the main character (unless the player is an archaeology professor that solves puzzles or a defense attorney that always believes in their clients) is a hindrance for many players in emotionally attaching themselves to said character. I’m not saying it is impossible to be wrapped up in a video game character’s life, otherwise I would have never enjoyed the Ace Attorney or Professor Layton series, but it is much harder to convince a player to care as much if their character has their own personality.

On the other end of things, the main character of DRV3 (who will go nameless for the fact that though I’m spoiling this ending I think the ride to get there is absolutely worth playing the game for) is easier to identify with. They are introduced at the start of the game rather than existing as a character that players are already familiar with. They have amnesia, a common trope that hooks players because the character knows as little as they do. This character is also the only character you play as in DRV3; in PLxAA, the perspective switches between Professor Layton and Phoenix Wright from time to time. There is a longer time to establish a connection between the character and player. Furthermore, this character feels like they discover and unravel the truth at the same time as the player. Much more so than the characters in PLxAA. Especially when, at the end of chapter 9, Professor Layton takes one look through the Storyteller’s home and decides he’s figured it all out while the player gets no clues.

I will say that the main character of DRV3 also has their own voice and personality. They make decisions that the player might necessarily not. They voice things the player might not say. They might be dumber or smarter, but the journey to the truth taken by the main character in DRV3 is much easier to empathize with than the journey taken by the PLxAA cast. This character also does something far more shocking than any character in PLxAA does: they convince the outside world that they are human.

The ending of DRV3 pits the member of the main cast who was all along a member of the TV show’s writing staff versus the main character. The writer makes the claim that the people of Danganronpa’s universe need the show to have such high stakes and to continue until there is only one survivor because it is the only violent outlet left for the Danganronpa world, regardless of the actual humanity of the members of the show. It’s a similar argument to what a reality TV show executive would say in defense of their “art”.

When the main character begs the writer to let them and the rest of the surviving cast to be freed from the show, the writer shows the cast a live feed of the worldwide audience cheering for the show to continue, for everyone to die until there is a winner of Danganronpa. Because the twisted thing about DRV3 is that it isn’t actually the third time the Danganronpa show has been recorded and broadcasted–it’s the 53rd time. As I know all too well, the Roman numeral “V” stands for 5. Danganronpa, the TV show, is a heavily ingrained part of the worldwide culture in Danganronpa’s, the game, universe. It is the last form of violent entertainment left for the masses consumption as the rest of the world has reached a seeming utopia in the brief glimpses DRV3 affords.

Despite seeing the massive audience calling for their and all of their friends’ heads, the main character of the game that you, the player, have been playing as comes out with an impassioned speech in defense of him and his friends as humans that deserve to live and respect. They may not be the same people they were when they willingly signed up and had their personalities altered, but the main character argues that the people they have become over the course of the game are just as human as anyone watching. Really, the plea from DRV3’s main character is the most convinced I’ve been of a video game character’s sentience–apart from perhaps Monika from Doki Doki Literature Club. The voice actor absolutely nails the delivery of the lines. I truly think that the execution of this scene makes DRV3’s ending incredible on its own. But let’s compare the execution of the main characters pleading for their very lives in DRV3 to the mirrored ending scene in PLxAA.

I’ve already said that, fundamentally, there is much lower stakes possible for the cast of PLxAA than in DRV3. However, the game does try to up the stakes by introducing and using side characters as the lives on the line. Espella Cantabella is put in direct harm’s way for being burned at the stake for being a witch 4 times. Eve Darklaw is revealed to be the dangerous leader of the shadowy figures that chased Professor Layton’s assistant in the wilderness. The Storyteller’s best friend and father of Eve commits suicide before the final act. They are not the characters the player will spend a majority of time with, nor are they characters that the player ever gets to control, so there is a lesser connection between player and characters.

Furthermore, the stakes of the main characters in PLxAA are quite low. Yes, they are unable to find an exit from Labrynthia once coming in, and, yes, all four characters in the main cast want to find out the truth about the world, but these are simply smaller goals in terms of scope than DRV3’s characters putting their lives on the line. I’ll also admit that there are times in the game that the stakes are raised for Professor Layton and Maya to the point that their lives are on the line, yet the game quickly lowers those stakes within a few hours after raising them. I won’t reveal what I mean just to keep the journey interesting, should someone decide to play these games after seeing this.

Meanwhile, as said before, the side characters of PLxAA are the ones with skin in the game. Yet we never see them suffer in-game. All the suffering is off-screen. The Storyteller saw his wife burn to death because of Eve’s actions as a child well before Professor Layton or Phoenix Wright come into his life. Espella is already under fire for being suspected a witch by Labrynthia’s citizens prior to her escaping, coming into contact with Professor Layton, and returning to Labrynthia. Eve’s father commits suicide during the events of PLxAA, but the player doesn’t meet him before or see him kill himself. Not only does PLxAA fail to make the main characters meaningfully involved in the plot, the game neglects to show why the events happening matter to the side characters. The game instead tells the player why those characters care, and we all know the famous “show, don’t tell” advice is true for a reason.

DRV3, on the other hand, has taken the player first-hand through the main cast’s journey. The player has seen for themselves people they’ve grown attached to murder and be murdered in pursuit of escaping the horrendous prison they’ve found themselves in. DRV3 truly shows rather than tells the player why these characters care and makes a much better appeal for the character to care. The player sees the direct consequences of the DRV3’s cast of characters rather than getting told about it.

But not only does the player see the direct consequences for the characters in DRV3’s ending, the player can come away with a change on their real-world perspective. I said earlier that the main character of DRV3 sounds human in their impassioned speech to the audience. The in-game audience is convinced of their humanity, but I think so too is the player convinced of the main character’s humanity. This has far-reaching implications beyond DRV3. I believe that a player that becomes sympathetic to the main cast’s pleas for freedom from their torture may start to look at other fictional characters in a far more sympathetic light. Specifically, a player may become more sympathetic to what they force other characters in other video games to go through, and to consider them as people. I’m not saying that DRV3 makes someone try to play Master Chief as a pacifist or give Mario a chance to catch his breath rather than run at a sprint the whole time, I’m simply saying that DRV3 makes a very convincing argument that characters in video games deserve more respect than they are traditionally given.

There is nothing for the player to take away from PLxAA. Other than another reason to distrust rich pharmaceutical CEOs like The Storyteller. In all honesty, what separates this man from Martin Shkreli? PLxAA does try to leave the moral that it’s important to tell the truth instead of creating elaborate lies that require far more effort to keep up. But, come on, what crazy person would play this game and come away thinking The Storyteller is a role model for coping with tragedy? Instead of telling his six-year old daughter and her friend that they may have started a fire that caused the death of his wife, this guy made up a story that put the blame on a “Great Witch Bezella”, used his vast resources to create a fantasy land where magic is real, and then proceeded to recruit people to live in this land and brainwashed them. Like, I get that you don’t want to tell her she caused it at that age since she might not be able to handle it, but you could’ve made up literally any other explanation at the time and not have to jump through all these hoops. DRV3 may have convinced me of the potential of a video game character having sentience, but PLxAA has a bunch of idiots that arbitrarily decide things that make them far less convincing as human. Or, maybe because the characters in PLxAA have no rationality they are actually closer to human than the very rational, very emotional DRV3 cast… hmm.

Nah.

Let’s keep talking about the fundamental believability of both endings. I think this is primarily the reason why people find PLxAA very hard to take seriously. Let me just add one more very glaring reason I’m sure many people have been screaming at me in the comments to mention earlier: the truth behind magic in Labrynthia. This is, without a doubt, the worst explanation for magic in any universe ever. So I’ve said before that Labrynthia is an enclosed area owned by The Storyteller who made all his money as a CEO of a pharmaceutical company. Now, the reason he bought all this land is because it has very strange groundwater. See, some weird mineral that is only found in this land causes a person who has ingested said mineral to fall unconscious or wake back up whenever they hear a silver bell ring. So! Whenever someone in Labrynthia wanted to cast a spell, they would say the spell’s name while having a magic book open to the page with the spell on it, and an “invisible” person in a cloak would immediately ring a silver bell within earshot of all nearby parties to knock them unconscious, set up the scene to make it look like the magic spell happened, and then ring the bell again to wake everyone up.

I am 100% serious that this is the canonical explanation for “magic” in the PLxAA universe. So the true explanation for the fire that killed The Storyteller’s wife is that he had already bought all the land Labrynthia would be built upon and even put in a nice silver bell on the top of his clock tower to commemorate the land. Espella and Eve were playing on the top of the clock tower when they accidentally bumped into the bell, thus causing it to ring and knocking everyone in the town who had already drunk the groundwater unconscious. Somehow or another, there was a previously controlled fire burning before the bell got rung that then got taken by the wind and set the town ablaze, killing The Storyteller’s wife and injuring others. Frankly, this truth is also godawful because it also hinges on the really dumb explanation of hearing a silver bell causing knockouts. But, like, man. That is just really dumb. The Storyteller really should have just told Espella and Eve that it was a complete accident, which is what it turned out to be anyway. The Storyteller thought that the two young girls had purposely rung the bells because he found them unconscious in the belltower and neither of them had memory of what had happened. But that’s not reasonable!

The Storyteller’s deal in general is extremely unreasonable for doing basically anything. He states that starting Labrynthia is a science experiment for the effects of the groundwater on humans who consume it, as well as an experiment on what would happen if humans lived in a magical society, I guess. But he spurs his citizens into action by having weekly parades where he tosses a bunch of sheets in the air that “predict” the future. Due to the “Barnham” effect (yes I know it’s Barnum but the prosecutor in Labrynthia is “Barnham” so it’s a funny pun), these predictions get fulfilled one way or another. But they’re written to predict stuff like his daughter getting tried for being a witch, and if he made Labrynthia to protect Espella from the guilt of killing her mother, why the heck is he making sure she gets psychologically tormented anyway? And why does he pretend to not be her father the entire time since founding Labrynthia? He could have actually protected her and whoops I’m getting off-track. The point is that the characters in PLxAA are forced into action from their relatively-peaceful lives for no good reason—there is no incentive to the citizens of Labrynthia to follow The Storyteller’s fortune cookies, it only sends the rank and file into fear while also putting the actual group of uncontrolled witches on watch. It’s so dumb! Just let these people live their weird fantasy lives they all signed up for when they got brainwashed! And protect your daughter for god’s sake!

Any comparison to PLxAA at this point would make said thing getting compared look like Citizen Kane. But I want to be clear that DRV3 goes above and beyond in general in making the central instigator’s actions look sensible. To remind you, everything up to the ending of DRV3 has been livestreamed to a global audience, 24/7, just like in The Truman Show. Unlike The Truman Show, the audience, or, really, the TV producers, has a little less patience for everyday life. In order to keep good ratings, the writing team behind season V3 of Danganronpa understands very well that there needs to be action. As such, the writing team introduces a sadistic, robotic bear named Monokuma to act as their mouthpiece to get the main cast of characters to start actually killing each other. Without consistent prodding or incentives to kill beyond “get out of here”, the classmates could actually live together without conflict, in theory. That’s why it makes sense that Monokuma constantly BEARates the cast of characters to kill each other.

Before I just gloss over this, it also makes sense that DRV3’s high school setting is simply the setting for a TV show. Especially a TV show that rakes in that much money with that large an audience. Yes, there are parts on the site that seem outlandish to build from a cost standpoint (like the section with the rocket or, really, the incredible VR system in case 4), but from a writer’s perspective, they make sense. They’re just very well-made sets for a TV show that makes enough money to justify the realism. They make so much more sense than Labrynthia getting built from the ground up so that Espella would never think that she had been lied to her whole life about the Great Witch Bezella and magic actually existing. How on earth has The Storyteller’s pharmaceutical company not fired him from the CEO position yet?

Finally, I just have one last point of perspective about these settings. The player has no idea until the ending of DRV3 that they have been on a TV show’s set. Rather, there’s so many crazier theories about the truth of the outside world that the game does a great job of trying to convince both the in-game characters and the player of being true. I won’t say what they are because the journey to the center of the DRV3 world is super enjoyable. Meanwhile, there is extreme dramatic irony with Labrynthia. Each of the main cast knows that Labrynthia isn’t the only place in the world, and so does the player. The cast and player all travel to Labrynthia and want to eventually figure out its deal, but it’s not as interesting a journey to the truth because the player knows in the back of their head that Labrynthia and all of its magic is fake. I believe that this small barrier of foreknowledge prevents Labrynthia’s truth from being anywhere near as interesting for the player, and another reason that PLxAA’s ending falters. Perhaps if all of the main cast simply woke up in Labrynthia with no memories and eventually worked out how Labrynthia functioned and came to be rather than knowing it to be a false town would have helped make the explanation for magic easier to swallow. I mean, the explanation would still sound insane, but it’d be more forgivable since finding the truth of Labrynthia would have been a far more immediate and central question. I fear that the central hook of the game of putting Professor Layton and Phoenix Wright together meant that such “abuse” of their characters was impossible from the start.

So, there you have it. A comparison between DRV3 and PLxAA’s endings, why I believe the games are similar enough to compare, and why I think DRV3’s ending is much more effective. I think some people might still say that there is no comparison because of how fundamentally poor the PLxAA explanation for everything is, but I believe the comparison is a worthy one due to how weirdly similar the games turned out to be. Plus, I wanted to put in context why I think DRV3’s ending is worth an extreme amount of praise; it’s nowhere near the first piece of literature to try and make its characters “human”, but it’s one of the best because it takes full advantage of a video game’s ability to make a player empathetic or, failing that, a sympathetic accomplice with its characters. Amnesia in games is complained about as a schlocky, overdone trope, but it is used to extremely good effect with the cast’s journey to understanding the world they were “born” into in DRV3. PLxAA had fundamental problems with its conception that prevented it from taking its players on that same sort of gripping journey. I think it manages to make really well with the hand it was dealt until the ending which is about as bungled as it gets.

I hope that reading this won’t dissuade those on the fence from playing it because I really think PLxAA is a great game. There are many moments along the way to that bombshell of a reveal and nonsensical explanations that are immensely entertaining. I also hope that those who read this without having played DRV3 will play through that game regardless of knowing the ending. The journey to the truth of DRV3 along with the truth of each and every murder is absolutely fantastic. It is probably the second-best visual novel I’ve played, with the title of “best” going to either Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations or Phoenix Wright: Spirit of Justice. The very first murder might be the best written section of any visual novel out there. It is 100% worth playing even if you’ve not played 1, 2, the spinoff, or watched the anime. I cannot recommend it enough. But if you don’t feel you have the time for a 40 hour visual novel yet are interested in the genre, Doki Doki Literature Club (DDLC) is only 5 hours and is nearly as shockingly interesting in the same meta way DRV3 ends. I said earlier that perhaps Monika from DDLC is the only match for the main character of DRV3 in terms of extremely human video game characters.

I really appreciate anyone who read any word of this. Or listened to it, if I did turn this into a video essay. My sister recently said to me that words on the internet don’t go into a void, even if we might think they do; they do reach somewhere. Maybe not the place you expected—perhaps Labrynthia will introduce the internet into their medieval society and the baker that took in Phoenix and Maya will read this—but they do reach someone eventually and the ones writing those words should care. Whomever that is, thank you.

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Everyday Life


 

I love Coldplay. Everyone knows that. But the Coldplay I knew and the Coldplay that created this album are two starkly different Coldplays. Lots of people would argue that there’s already been multiple Coldplays–the one they fell in love with during the Parachutes/A Rush of Blood to the Head era, and then the one that sucked from X&Y onwards. I’ve loved Coldplay since I’ve known who they were after rediscovering Viva La Vida in 2010, and I’ve loved every different type.

This version of Coldplay is just as lovable.

I do really want to stress that this is the first Coldplay album that feels like a different Coldplay. This album is a major departure from their old sound, yes, AND it’s a major departure from their old lyrics. Well, not too much a departure. The shift to the overtly political lyrics that Everyday Life brings was first telegraphed with Violet Hill off of Viva La Vida; it was an attack on the propaganda machine and warlust on the right side of the political spectrum that was mostly hidden with the bitter love-song chorus of “if you love me, won’t you let me know”. Then Coldplay stayed out of politics in their music (but very much not so in action, Chris Martin is a very good Samaritan) until A Head Full of Dreams, and they didn’t even do much political here: they just sampled Barack Obama singing Amazing Grace.

So the band went explicitly political with their next release: the Kaleidoscope EP. Buried with behind the extremely vapid track of Something Just Like This was the touchingly empathetic track A L I E N S that gave a voice to “illegal aliens” that just want to get home again, they don’t want to “take over” other countries and steal every “native’s” job. Yet the xenophobia and hatred in the comments on the music video for the song was heartbreaking. And, at that moment, Coldplay decided to go all-in, and started producing Everyday Life.

Past Coldplay hits have all been about individuals. The lyrics are like fortunes–vague enough that anyone can relate to, and specific enough for the individual hearing the words to think they were written for them. Funnily enough, the seemingly-specific political issues that Coldplay brings up in the album Everyday Life share that same quality since anyone who is empathetic to the issues sung about can think of an analogue in their country/neighborhood. And that is what makes the lyrics of Everyday Life beautiful. Anyone can relate. Let’s listen together to the dual album which begins with the Sunrise half.

Sunrise is classic Coldplay–the band loves instrumental intros that sound out of a church. What makes this one different is that the rest of the dang album could be played in a church and not be out of place. Including the first “real” song on the album: Church. The first time I heard Church, I was blown away. Coldplay always has beautiful melodies, but they rarely play them on traditionally beautiful instruments. The swelling strings, vocal samples, and simple percussion that back Chris Martin’s terribly-metaphorical love song just combine altogether into something nearly-perfect. It’s a lot like Ink, my favorite track off of Ghost Stories. Except it’s got the Arabic and other foreign samples that elevate it further. Super good start to the album.

And then the album gets heavy with Trouble in Town. The first half of the track is sung from the perspective of those abused by law enforcement. It’s a quiet track that Martin adds urgency to with his broken-voiced singing. And then the second half starts as the music crescendos to an angry outburst. In structure, the track beautifully captures how a citizen’s riot starts. And then it gets very overt about how they start by playing a minute-long clip of a police officer abusing his power over a citizen. There’s three songs where Coldplay drops the f-bomb, and this disturbing tirade from the police officer is one of them. It’s a brilliant track.

Broken (spelled with an “E” on its back) is a short Gospel track that has all the trappings of Gospel–simple piano, plenty of backup singers yelling back the lyrics, and finger snaps. It’s well-done as a Gospel track. Thematically, it’s the first time in the album Coldplay invokes the Lord, and the band does it a lot. And it provides a conundrum to the religious far-right that listen to this album. How can they support and act on all this hatred of those who love God like them? Coldplay isn’t invoking God’s name to win over listeners like Kanye West. They’re doing it to appeal to the conscience. Some might say it’s to show those religious far-right folks as hypocrites, but Coldplay never directly says that God would not be proud of their actions; they simply celebrate the Lord. It’s a brilliant way of avoiding getting called hypocrites themselves for judging the individuals “called out” by the lyrics, but only those that perceive it as a personal attack should feel attacked by it. There’s no harm in singing “Oh Lord, come and shine a light on me”.

Daddy is the saddest track Coldplay’s put out. And considering its company, that’s hard to do. Lyrically, it’s about a child missing their absentee father (absentee because they’re a bad dad, or because they’ve been unjustly arrested, or for whatever reason you want to interpret from the stark music video). Musically, it’s simple. There’s little going on. Just a piano, and sometimes you can make out a faint, deep percussion. But the way Martin progresses in sound as he sings “so far away” in the chorus is… sublime. And the last chorus is haunting as the strings pile up towards one final hope that won’t be answered. Great track.

WOTW/POTP stands for Wonder of the World/Power of the People. It’s a short 2 minute track where Martin plays an acoustic guitar and mumbles. It reminds me of my least favorite tracks off of Mylo Xyloto. It’s weird, out-of-place, and filler. But it sets up the rocking anthem of Arabesque which was the first single off the album. I’ve already posted my thoughts on Arabesque, but hearing it loud on my stereo was an experience. I feel like Martin shouldn’t have made his swearing so filtered, but other than that, no complaints. Great track.

When I Need a Friend closes out the Sunrise half of the album. This is a “traditional” Christian hymn in sound rather than Gospel like Broken. The whole choir is singing together about how violence should end. It’s to God, but his name is never invoked. The song and album half ends with another sample. It’s the speech of a man at the center of the Honduran film Everything is Incredible; his dream was to build a helicopter, and he had worked for over 50 years piecing it together with parts picked up on the street. The speech itself ends with the lines “The problem is that everything is amazing, and people don’t accept it”. Fitting.

After six or seven or eight tracks that’s just a bell ringing for three seconds at a time, the Sunset half of the album begins with Guns. It’s just Chris Martin playing some urgent acoustic guitar while singing about how those in power have decided that everyone needs more guns, and Martin questions their and his sanity. It’s for sure a pro-gun control song that also sneaks in further criticism of those in power who “burn down the forest” and save only the lookalikes. It also has Martin dropping another f-bomb. God bless. Short and sweet anti-gun track that clearly and effectively communicates its message, though not as well as The 1975’s I Like America and America Likes Me.

Orphans is the best track on the album. It’s also the most specific in lyrical content in that it namedrops people and places that got bombed in the Middle East. That’s all I need to say. Èkó is a city in Nigeria. The track named after it feels like another song from the perspective of a child. There’s something beautifully naive about this track. The lyrics sound like they’re torn from a picture book and sung like a children’s song, and the feelings invoked are innocently hopeful. It just feels like something out of a coming-of-age movie just before the bombs fall, which is why it’s strange that it comes after Orphans in the track listing. Very pretty track.

Cry Cry Cry features musician boy genius Jacob Collier to provide his very weird vocals in harmony with Chris Martin’s straight-laced voice. I personally don’t think the mix works as well as the band would want. And the piano backing the voices doesn’t do much to beautify the harmony. It’s the spiritual sequel to Church in how it’s not about God, rather a person, but from the perspective of the one who is going to comfort the one who needs it. Cute, but probably my least favorite of the “real” tracks on the album.

Old Friends is probably the most easily relatable of all the tracks on the album. Everyone has an old friend or two that they think of but simply can’t reconnect to for one reason or another. It’s a short two and a half minute track that may take people back years in thought. Even though there’s so much acoustic guitar and piano on this album, this track stands out through its swells and harmonies. And something about the way Martin sings “Time just deepens/sweetens and mends” and “we all melt/into the picture” feels really familiar, but I just can’t place it. It’s a musical old friend that I can’t re-find. Beautiful track.

بنی آدم (Children of Adam) is a lot like Kaleidoscope off A Head Full of Dreams. Only, this time, instead of stopping at one poem, the band lets three poems play. One in Arabic that calls out those who fail to empathize with those in real pain (i.e., those in the Middle East), one in English praying for peace, love, and perfection through God, and a sample of a gospel track from Nigeria saying that God made everything. The ones in other languages sound way prettier because you can’t understand them. It’s a track Coldplay would put together, that’s for sure.

Champion of the World is the best track on the album that wasn’t a single. It’s classic Coldplay in sound in how it builds to an immaculate chorus and just keeps going higher. Lyrically, it’s similar to another Coldplay track, Miracles. It’s about persevering in the face of pain with no hope of something better but your own belief. The track is dedicated to Scott Hutchinson, the lead singer of Frightened Rabbit. Hutchinson took his own life in 2018, and one particular track from the band left such a large impact on Martin that he credited Hutchinson as a co-writer of this track. I can’t say anymore about this track. It’s perfect.

The album ends with the track for which the album is named after, which is a usual Coldplay move. Everyday Life is a very pretty piano ballad where Martin tries to get inside the headspace of a conflicted person who struggles at seeing an individual or group of people as anything but the enemy. But the chorus of his mind reminds him that everyone hurts, everyone cries, and, ultimately, the figure in the song throws their arms out wide and welcomes those he sees with a Hallelujah. It’s the journey in thought that Coldplay hopes everyone listening to the album goes through. And for that, the track is beautiful. A great end to a great album.

Or, it would be the end, if the Japanese version of the CD didn’t have Flags as the closer instead. And this is a bonus track worth listening to. It’s a lot like Champion of the World in sound and content, which is a great track to double up on. The lines “You’ll let telephone in by a region/Is there any advice that you could give?” is such a perfect callback to the old hit Talk where brothers are speaking over the phone, and one is asking for advice a lot like this. And the track ends by saying “I just love you for yourself”, which is the life-affirmation that is missing from the normal cut of the album. It really, really, really should have been on the album.

Everyday Life is an album that I’ve liked more and more the more I’ve listened to it. I first thought that there were too many low-key, lame piano/acoustic tracks that were pretty but also pretty interchangeable. But on these repeated listens, more and more layers of depth reveal themselves in each “simple” track, and the album truly comes together as a joy. It’s an incredibly important album in content, and is delivered so beautifully that I just pray that people listen to it and are moved by it. And I really, truly pray that their preaching hits more than just the choir.

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