Coming in at the 11th Hour to Save Summer… It’s Q&A!

Intern! Yes, boss? It’s been nearly a whole year since Q&A have paid us to advertise a mix CD. What gives? How would I know? Aren’t you our sales guy? You should be maintaining our relationships with clients. Or, well, client. Since they’re the only ones. Sorry, sir, I barely keep a good relationship with you. How could you expect me to keep a relationship with someone that doesn’t boss me around all day? Touche… wait a minute. I think you just insulted me. I think a piece of mail shaped suspiciously like a CD case has come in. And what a stroke of time to come in at! It’s currently 11 AM. Ah, the good ol’ “eleventh hour” as they call it. “It” being this mix CD. Q&A comes through again. Now if only their check will as well. Shall we let them get to it? It appears to be that time.

Man, online shipping is so convenient these days. Did you know you can choose exactly the time that something will arrive? This seems like some odd foreshadowing, Q. What do you have in mind? Oh, nothing, A. Just when the perfect time would be to release our new mix CD’s playlist. Is that why you’ve been sitting on the mix CD for a month and a half now, even though you finalized the track listing two months ago? And I mean literally sitting on it. Eyyyy, you sit on it! I’m like a mother hen. Patient, waiting for the being of boundless potential to hatch when it’s ready. …You already finished this a month and a half ago. Shh! Don’t wake snookums!

Now that that’s out of the way, I really think we should go one Q&A “reveal party” without getting meta. We’ve done that for the past six. No one likes it. Ho ho ho, A. No one likes these regardless of the content! And we’re meta again. Awesome. Look, it’s true. The more you overthink and overwrite, the less people will want to read. So stop overthinking this intro and let’s get on with it. Fine, fine. Our eleventh mix CD is titled “11th Hour”. Mostly, the name came from what number we were on. We do tend to forget where we are chronologically without numbers on these things. See also: The Fifth. Of course, the other part of the reason behind the name is that, well, we’ve taken so long between CDs, that our fans thought we were dead. And we’re trying to make a grand comeback when all seems lost. You know, at the 11th hour. That is what that cliche means, right? Don’t look at me. What do you think I am, an English major? I’ll say again what I said about English majors when we released Paris: “Yeah, English majors love their mix CDs”. I thought you said not to get meta! Oh dear, we’ve come full circle. Guess that means this explanation is over. Nope, it’s just starting.

Graffiti – CHVRCHES

I love songs about bathroom stalls. Yeah, they really don’t “stall” the flow of mix CDs. Cut that out. This typewriter doesn’t have a backspace button. You know this! Ugh. Uh, I do know that this song is a great, energetic start to a CD. No wonder CHVRCHES put this at the start of their album… Love is Dead? Is that the vibe we’re going for? Look, some CDs go for “summer vibes”, we’re going for love is dead vibes. Dead vibes don’t sound pleasant. Yeah, it sounds like the name a random Grateful Dead tour. I hate those guys. Why are we talking about them when we could be talking about the great song, Graffiti, by CHVRCHES, that we put at the start of our mix CD? Well, uh, I’m writing to ask you did you achieve all you wanted to do? You can’t quote lyrics at me to get out of this. Uh, uh, time to kill was always an illusion, time stood still, and now we never will. I agree with that, I guess.

Get Into My Car – Echosmith

Wait, I thought you said love is dead vibes were what we were going for. Now you’re putting unashamed love songs in here? Well, if you listen to this and the previous song back to back, they sound like the same song from different dimensions. One where love is dead, and the other where love (and capitalism if you watch the horrible music video) are alive. You’re quite right about the similar sound. Same sort of triumphant synth hook that then has a female vocalist sing about love. Except here, love is being driven, where as in the last song the couple was being driven apart. How poetic. See, this track ordering makes so much sense. Heh, track. That’s a car term. Please do not get into my car. I always think she says “get into my wife” in the chorus. Seriously, do not get into my car.

Agora – Bear Hands

This is so me! So so me! Man, is this song me? Cause it feels like me. What on earth are you talking about? Who are you talking to? Uh, this song is so me, dude. It’s about a crazy guy who stays home alone all day who is trying to convince someone to hang out with him! In that case, this song isn’t even close to being about you. For one thing, you don’t even have someone to ask to hang out with. What about you? I’m far away, dude. Wait, I thought we were writing this on a typewriter together? Oh dear. Can a reader please break the truth to my good friend, the comedian, Q? The only truth is that I’m in love with this feeling. Another song about love not being dead. Yeah, but this guy might as well be dead with how little social interaction he gets. At least he’s trying. When I am gone, ain’t no more crying.

Campus – Bastille

Speaking of “gone”, how about all those people gone from college? I bet they would have really identified with this song as college students. Too bad they graduated/dropped out or whatever and can no longer identify with the song. I feel that if you ever were in a situation that seems similar to another you come across in real life or in entertainment, you’re allowed to identify with that situation. Nope. Only when in the same situation can you “empathize”. Can’t say I empathize with that opinion. Can’t say I empathize with your face! Just another’s words in your mouth… Never leave me out, I’m standing by the sidelines. I watch you fall, heaven help me. Oh man, I’m so good at this sequencing nonsense without realizing it. Check out the next song. Can I not?

I Fall Over – Wild Cub

See, if you think about it, we just transitioned from being the guy to watch another fall, to being the guy who fell. Yeah, sick narrative brah. But… what does it mean? That’s the beauty of the mix CD. If the transitions are good, the overall “narrative” doesn’t matter. Just like high school essays. I’ll have you know all my high school essays were very important! I’m sure that’s what your parents said. It’s true. We tear up our happiness and throw away our love. I can’t believe no one out there has ever called us out on how much of a non-sequitur our quoting of lyrics is. We claim that we’re so good at song transitions and yet can’t even stay coherent for one paragraph. Well, no one has ever read one of these, so there’s your answer. I fall over. And nothing ever shows.

Wild – Royal Teeth

Alright, let’s go at least one song without making fun of ourselves. Woah, what a wild concept! Just like the name of this song! Wild! Yeah, they got it the first time. Who is they??? …come on, man. Anyway, as far as everyone on earth is aware, this is the only song by Royal Teeth. And as far as everyone on earth is aware, this is the only blog post on this website! Dude, are you okay? You’re lashing out at everything. I’m your friend. You can talk to me. I believe I can make you scream. You have a very short-term memory. What did I just say about quoting song lyrics? That it’s always good and funny. You’re right, you can make me scream. 

Everything Now – Arcade Fire

It’s a happy family with everything now! Part of that everything is this mix CD. And part of this mix CD is this song. Now that’s an appropriate amount of meta. But if we want everything now, we need to be as meta as possible. Why can’t we just talk about the song? What is there to talk about? It kind of sounds like Wild in terms of hook and instrumentals, but the vocals are very different. Yeah, that’s good information! We should talk more like that. Be the change you want to see in the world. That’s something that I read. Clearly, that filled up your head. That reminds me of everything now, the song by Arcade Fire that we were talking about. I thought you said not to be meta! Oh well.

18 – Echosmith

Another very relatable song for the younguns. It hurts to be 18… and 19… and 20… and any age you are. Yeah, I guess we really were going for love is dead vibes. Though this song is more about life in general than love. And it’s about driving! Echosmith’s last EP really was all about cars… hmm, wonder if they got paid by GM. I hope we got paid by GM for mentioning them twice. I feel like we have to pay them for using their name. But this is free advertising! It hurts to be a mix CD maker trying to make money. We really are stuck in a daydream that we’re gonna make it big, aren’t we. Again, you’re the one that’s supposed to be positive. You can’t be positive forever.

Forever – CHVRCHES

Wow, what a coincidence! It’s been forever since we were writing this article! It’s been less than a month, don’t be dramatic. You know what they say: you can’t spell “dramatic” without “Q”. Man, this song is so good. Don’t ignore me! What else am I supposed to do when this song is on repeat… forever? Don’t be dramatic. You know what they say: you can’t spell “dramatic” without “A”. I thought you hated those spelling jokes. Yeah, when you make them. I’m hurt. I thought we weren’t going to insult each other anymore! Oh, I thought I told you that I’d hate you for forever. Forever? Forever. What a catchy chorus. I’m glad we were joking that entire time. Yep. Joking.

Speak – Wild Cub

Speak to me, A. It’s been another two weeks since our last edits. You don’t know where you’re going and you want to talk? Wrong song. I’ll close my eyes, and wait for you to speak. Sorry, the phone lines are tied up. This is the internet! I only have dial-up. What year is it? It’s been 2008 for the past ten years as far as I’m aware. Oh god, the housing crash is still happening. And it won’t ever stop. Alright, I’m going to close my eyes again, and you’ll stop speaking. This is the internet. I never was. Wow, I can really tell Halloween is near with jokes like this. More like Spook!!!

Tuttifrutti – Phoenix

And we are reborn again. Hmm, now that I think about it, our personalities kind of die at the end of each paragraph and then are reborn at the start of the next. Just like real life. What? What? It made as much sense as what you said. And I’m saying that Phoenix is a good band whenever they are reborn. Yeah, I had a tough time picking what to choose for the traditional #11 Phoenix track. I wanted Fior di Iatte originally, but it just didn’t flow well enough, so we get… a different ice cream flavor. At least you didn’t run into the ice cream store, get one flavor, run out, and then come back ten minutes later to get an Italian Soda. Yeah, it’s a good thing we both did that. And uh this is a good song.

Mountain at My Gates – Foals

The line “I see a mountain at my gates” has to be a metaphor… but for what? It’s a metaphor for life. Don’t throw my own catchphrases back in my face! Perhaps your own catchphrases are the mountain you see at your gate… What is my gate? The gate to a good life. So I have to get rid of all my catchphrases to break through the gate and have a good life? I believe so. Oh, this is NOT gonna be a good life. Wrong band. Also, that’s a catchphrase. Is anything I say more than once a catchphrase? Yes. Does this include words like “the”, “and”, or “or”? Are they catchphrases? Yes. Is “yes” your catchphrase? Yes.

Graceless – The National

Your jokes are graceless. Yours are tasteless. And didn’t you say we’d stop insulting each other? That was written a month ago. We stopped for long enough, don’t you think? You know how I hate this. I don’t have the sunny side to face this. All my thoughts of you are like bullets through rotten fruit. I am not my rosy self. Leave the roses on my shelf. Take the white ones, they’re my favorite. It’s the side effects that save us. The side effects of what? Repeating lyrics? Hey man, you brought it up. Yeah, but I wrote that like 5 minutes ago. That was long enough for me to forget where I was going with it. You are graceless. Just let me listen.

Bone Digger – Bear Hands

I really feel like a bone digger sometimes. Whatever that is. You know, a grave robber? You rob graves? Metaphorically. The heck does that mean? I just continually mine from holes where jokes that have died have been buried. Oh, right. The catchphrase thing. I see a life richer that way. But you clearly know the jokes are dead? And therefore worthless? No, not worthless. Graceless. Wrong song again. I feel like you’re digging your own grave. And that’s just the way I like it. But if you die, and you’re the bone digger, who is going to dig you up? The lies, the lies, the BS and the lies. Lucky to be alive. I’ll just be watching your past lives on television, then. On old imperial grounds? You know it.

The House That Heaven Built – Japandroids

Can’t say I like the namedrop of the bad place in this song, but I like how loud and angry it is. Yeah, it’s fun, even if it swears. The H Place isn’t a swear word. It’s a location. Then why are you censoring it in your text??? Whoever runs Pungry thinks it is a swear word and we have to play by their rules to get published. Don’t let the man tell you what to do. We have no way of knowing the site owner’s gender. I’m talking about the metaphorical man. Can we stop talking in metaphors? What is the house heaven built in actuality? It’s our souls. #Deep #SoTrue #Blessed I wish I was at this house, where everything evil dies. Then find a way to cleanse your heavy dirty soul. Wrong band. Twenty One Pilots is NEVER wrong. Except when we’re talking about Japandroids. There’s love in my shadow. Don’t quote lyrics and expect people to know it. Again, we’ve been doing this for centuries. Well, the one person who writes this has, anyway. 

Nobody Really Cares If You Don’t Go to the Party – Courtney Barnett

And nobody really cares if he/she/it doesn’t go to the party anyway! What party? You know, the party. The only one. The only party out there. Yeah, the grand old party. Ain’t no party like a party you don’t attend. What is that a reference to? I dunno, I heard it on a YouTube video once, and now I can never forget it. Human creativity is crazy. Yeah, if you consider pulling together random strands of pop culture together “creative”. First of all, the memes class I went to in college would absolutely argue that’s creative. Second of all, isn’t that exactly what a mix CD is? Well, I know for sure that it isn’t a mixer. Which, by the way, you still owe me one mixer for lying to me originally that these weren’t invitations to mixers. You just misheard me. You get what you want, and you don’t even try. I try very hard.

Feel the Love Go – Franz Ferdinand

Where? From you to the general ether. But why? The song implies it just happens with no control on your part. How? I dunno, it just goes. Who? All of us will feel our emotions go at some point, so… everyone. When? When you think of a friend and then an enemy, according to the song. Now that you’re done with the 5 Ws, can we please have a real conversation? What? You need to take the L, just like the real Franz Ferdinand. I don’t think the band members of FF appreciate being called unreal. Well, they didn’t start World War 1, now did they? No, but they could start World War 3. You heard it here first, folks. When all four members of Franz Ferdinand are assassinated, World War 3 will start. Or maybe when they go on their own killing spree. You never know. It’s always the quiet ones. They make very loud music, though. I’m feeling my love for you go further and further…

Go – Wild Cub

Some nights I wonder where you are. Are you doing alright? Are you lost out in the dark? It is midnight as I write this, but it’s hard to get lost in the long journey between my arms and the keyboard. Go! Go! Go! Go! I’m not doing the keg stand. Hey, I’m just quoting the song, not pressuring you or anything. It’s like when I speak to you, I speak to myself. That doesn’t mean anything. Like, of course you are, because you can hear yourself talk no matter who you talk to. I see your pale face pained in the back of my mind. Don’t no-sell my very clever observation. Go! Go! Go! Go! Are you looking for me like I’m looking for you? I wanna know now if those words are real. Nothing about this is real.

A Thousand Times More – School of Seven Bells

But what about real love a thousand times more? That phrase genuinely makes no sense if you cut it off like that. The whole sentence is “I know someone who deserves real love a thousand times more”. And it’s true. I do. Oh? Who is this mysterious person that deserves real love a thousand times more, and who is the other person that deserves real love a thousand times less? I’ll give you a hint. They’re two people that have spent over 2 months trying to write over 5000 words no one will ever read. Very rude of you to assume no one will read the new book by [insert NYT Bestselling Author’s name here]. Very rude of you to assume anyone will bother finishing your own joke. See, I knew I was the one who deserved real love a thousand times more. A thousand times zero is still zero. It’s so sad to hear you call yourself a zero.


I will stop at nothing to dance on your grave. But I thought I was the bone digger? And now we’re full circle. Well, actually, that song was only 6 tracks back. We’re a third-circle at best. Well, actually, as you know, just mentioning the phrase “full circle” brings us back to the start of this mix CD post. Well, actually, as you know, if you couldn’t tell, being full circle would be referencing our first mix CD post. Oh god, that post is only like 2000 words long. How on earth did we get so… wordy? Clearly, the more you write, the more mature you are. Strong disagree. But at least we can agree on one thing: this is a great final track. Very true. It’s just a fun song to dance to. While dancing on graves, as CHVRCHES recommends. Look, if you don’t have a heart, I can offer you mine. Is what the lyrics say but I will not give you my heart. Good thing I already stole it with this mix CD. And I’m going to steal it back with our next one!

Chill 2: Which is the long-awaited sequel to our original chill mix! That’s right folks, hot off the presses we wanted to cool down and–I’ll be honest, there’s no way to make that wordplay sound natural. Uh, Coldplay? No, wordplay. Coldplay? There’s only one Coldplay song on here, and you know it. One too many!!! Eh, I’m kidding, it’s a good song by a good band. More on that when we get there. We put together another chill mix since there are a lot of good lower-energy songs. AKA depressing. Just a coincidence! Uh huh, and I’m sure it’s a coincidence you listen to all these songs in your room at night, thinking about all the choices you made in life. I hate that you know me so well. More on that when we get there. Anyway, we decided to write another 3500 words about another mix CD that no one will ever listen to nor will anyone read these words. And you wonder why most of these tracks are depressing? I don’t wonder.

UGH! – The 1975

This accurately sums up my feelings on having to write another 3000 words. Hey, you don’t have to write them. Plus, you’re only writing around 1500 of those. So I still write a term paper, but a midterm instead of a final? Yeah, but you aren’t getting graded on it at least. I give it an A-. Does that mean I get a Q+? There were so many ways to write this joke and we chose this one. There were so many ways to make this mix CD and we chose this one. Yep. At least The 1975 are always good. Just never again make a 4 song playlist with them in it, please.

Dove Season – In The Valley Below

Quick poll time. What’s the better song with “season” in the title? Buzzcut Season or Dove Season? Do we have so little to say that we have to bring in the Lorde for help? Anyway, it’s Dove Season in the summer and Buzzcut Season in the winter. Too bad we’re in the winter of our youth and it’s never ending! Much like this blog post. I mean, it ends when the reader stops reading. So before they even get here? There’s no way to respond to that in a way that’ll keep the conversation going. Improv is all about “yes, and”, you know. Yes, and I disagree. You can do improv without agreeing with your partner! It’s just way harder. And you’ll greatly… IMPROVe your routine with that. I hate that you know me. Wrong song!

Hate That You Know Me – Bleachers

Okay, now it’s the right song. It’s never truly wrong. But what if you don’t hate that the person knows you so well? We’ve said some crazy things, but that might truly be the craziest. Uh, uh, uh, don’t you mean… QwAziest??? UGH! Wrong song! Hey, who was just saying it’s all about “yes, and”? Yes, it’s the wrong song, and I’d rather talk about this one. What’s there to say? It’s good. Alright, I think we’re done here. It’s never over. Wrong mix CD completely.

Where the Sky Hangs – Passion Pit

I miss Passion Pit. It’s been a year and a half since he put out an album. It took him like 3 years between his first couple of albums to put up a new one. But that’s still a long time! And he said he’s taking an extended hiatus. He ate us? No, hiatus. Hi, ate us? Who has that unfortunate nickname? Who’s making this unfortunate string of jokes that don’t make sense in text? What’s the opposite of context? Protext? Yeah, protext yourself, buddy. There were so many places you could’ve gone with that, and that’s what you chose. Protext it, why don’t ya? I’m getting my picket signs out right now.

Killing You – Broods

The perfect song title doesn’t exist? Checkmate, atheists. Great one-two of old meme and even older meme. Would you say it’s killing you? I wish you could make up for it on the weekend, but it’s already passed. Without you going out, I bet. I totally went out! I went to a soccer game, I’ll have you know. Soccer? I hardly know er!!! Tasteless. Wrong song. Plus, you totally would’ve made the same joke if I had said that. Just because that’s true doesn’t  mean you’re free from criticism. I can make up for it next weekend.

A Change of Heart – The 1975

Well, it’s my time to depart. You better have a change of heart right now, mister. I’m not writing more without you. Finding someone equally wordy won’t be hard. I’m warning you, have a change of heart. You said I’m full of diseases. But my eyes were full of regret! Then you took a picture of your salad and put it on the internet. There are no photos of my salads anywhere on the internet! Because they got deleted. You played a part, this is how it starts. But I’ve had a change of heart. I’ll stay. Hurray! We did it.

Lola – MIKA

I’ve made up my mind. You’re not going to fall in love this time? What? No. Don’t make me remake up my mind. Remake up, what a phrase. Sounds like a book about Hollywood. Wow. So many routes you could have taken, and you chose this one. I suppose I must re-remake up my mind. Come now, it’s just another stupid love song. You can borrow, beg or steal, but I won’t be convinced. I’m convinced those are the lyrics to Stubborn Love by The Lumineers. Maybe they stole them? Just like how this mix CD stole… someone’s heart? Not after they all changed their hearts. What a weird concept. Makes me think they just swapped their heart for a new one. Like a gear. Well, we’re all cogs in the machine… We live in a society.

Hey K – Passion Pit

Feh, neither of our names are K. This song is so out of place. So why’d you choose it? And it isn’t even very chill at all! There’s a climax to the song and everything! So why’d you choose it? Hey, we chose it. Don’t you dare try to pin this on me. We’ll mend and then agree that our love’s just light. What does that even mean? Uh, either our love isn’t heavy or it’s a wave. Actually, light is simultaneously a wave and a particle. And this is why I’m particlely inclined to wave goodbye. I think I should be the one waving goodbye after this nonsense. It’s a beautiful design that’ll rid all your pain in a landslide. That doesn’t sound any more pleasant. Love is the answer. To what question??? Why I chose it.

Four Walls – Broods

Uh oh, Q. There’s only four walls here. We can’t break more than one without getting in trouble *winks at camera*. No one’s recording this. Writing is the original form of recording, you knucklehead. That’s the rudest thing anyone’s ever said to me. You must not have a lot of conversations. Alright, that’s even ruder. I hardly know er!!! Again, you’d make the joke first any other time. Other? I hardly know er!!! I sincerely hope no one ever reads this. Well, you’re in luck. Good, because these four walls, now, are the only place I can breathe out. Yeah, breathe out your last breaths… because you’re going down.

No Place in Heaven – MIKA

Uh, heaven is up. And there’s no place in heaven for you! Now that’s mean. We built a dang house up there last mix CD, and now you’re saying there’s no place? No vacancies. Unless you’re a father. Welp, guess neither of us are ever getting in. #ForeverAlone Bring back trollfaces. No, don’t. Bring back fedoras, at least. Definitely not. Hey, back in 2012, these guys were super unthreatening and goofy. Now they’ve been radicalized and it’s just absolutely tragic how many people they’ve killed. Getting a little political here, but yes. The evolution of those online communities has been an extreme disaster that isn’t talked about enough. Because there’s too much else in the world that’s bad. Are you sure they can’t let us into heaven? No, everything is lost.

Lost and Found – Phoenix

And now found. You don’t know what you’re doing. Does anyone? No. Is this the end of the conversation? No. …Is this the start of a new improv tendency to go “no, and”? No. Will this entire paragraph just be me asking you questions? No. … … … Hmm, ellipses in italics don’t really show up. No. That wasn’t even a question! You’re not the boss of me now. Wrong song, but I’m glad you said something other than yes or no. Yes. And we’ve come full circle in one paragraph. Amazing. No.

Chaleur Humaine – Christine and the Queens

Finally I can be informative again. The song title translates to “human warmth”. Just in time for winter. The world outside is cold enough, we need some human warmth. We are in the winter of our youth. Wrong song, wrong paragraph, wrong everything. See, this is what you mean by “the world outside is cold enough”. Don’t use my own words against me. Je vais faire peu importe je veux. Nice Google Translate. Hey, I’ll have you know I took three semesters of French and I only needed to look up three of those words. Amazing. I took German 8 years and can translate most lyrics whenever I play it in the car. You can’t do more than translate the dang titles. I thought we were trying to be warmer! We are in the winter of our youth.

Night So Long – Haim

More like… post so long!! Nice, burning your own post. It’s for human warmth. Wrong song! This is the start of the sad section of the mix CD. Oh as if the rest of this post wasn’t sad enough. You’re only making the post longer with comments like that. And you’re only making it sadder! I say goodbye to love once more. In loneliness, my only friend. What about me? What about you? Aren’t I your friend? Well, yeah, but we’re quoting the lyrics. Don’t worry, there’s no shadow darkening the door. So I’m your friend until your memory is gone? Yes, but that’s so long. Now that’s the human warmth I wanted. Just in time for the depressing section.

St. Jude – Florence and the Machine

Which continues with a song named after a storm! Should’ve called this album the perfect storm. That just may be my next mix CD’s name. Good call. Thanks. Wow, look at how positive we are! Just in time for the depressing section. Don’t copy-paste what you write, especially if you wrote it a paragraph ago. I didn’t copy-paste it, I manually retyped it. Yikes. I’m learning so I’m leaving and even though I’m grieving I’m trying to find the meaning. Let loss reveal it. Maybe I’ve always been more comfortable in chaos… Makes you think. About what? I dunno, you’re the one thinking now. I’m trying to find the meaning. Don’t copy-paste what you write, especially if you wrote it three sentences ago. This would never pass a plagiarism check. Oh no our copyrights. More like… copywrong!!!

I Need My Girl – The National

I need my girl. Or a girl. Just anyone else, really. Haha, remember the time you lost your mind and drove your car into the garden? Yeah, I got out and said “I’m sorry” to the vines. And no one saw it. The perfect crime. What is a cannonballer, anyway? People that hang out with punks at parties. Oh, so jocks. Grr! I hate jocks! Uh, weren’t we jocks? The tennis team is preppy, not jocky. Yeah, prepping you to be a nerd!! Wow, sick burn. That you’re also caught in. Because you were on the team too. Oh we know we’re on each other’s team. Wrong song! I need my girl as well. You haven’t had a girl in years. Hey! I’m over it. It’s been 6 years. I’m over it. Don’t copy-paste what you just wrote–no, no, no, no.

See You Soon – Coldplay

No, don’t lose your trust. I never should have. We’re best friends, after all. Great exposition for the folks at home. It’s just too bad that we can’t live up to this song name and actually see each other soon. Yeah, soonest would be… holidays? I gotta start wearing a bulletproof vest while keeping all the windows closed so I can do my best. And then I’ll see you soon in a telescope lens. All I want is friends… And I’ll see you soon. Man, I remember “playing” this at an open mic. Why the quotes on playing? I just had my phone play in instrumental version of the track while I strummed a tennis racket and sang the words. Yeah, you’re gonna need that bulletproof vest if you do that in public. What, people no longer throw tomatoes? Unfortunately, no. They’re too expensive now that they’re all organic. Dang. Don’t break your back should you ever hear this. Well, don’t answer that, then. We’ve had two semi-happy songs in a row, let’s get back to depressing stuff.

Depreston – Courtney Barnett

Ah, that’s much better. Hey, you said we should look out further when it comes to putting different moods on this mix CD. No I didn’t. I said “this place seems depressing”. That’s not a value judgment. Well, I’m feeling very judged. If you’ve got a spare half a million, you could pay people to review your CDs better. If I had a spare half a million, I’d never spend it. Except on living expenses and internet. What about coffee? I’d buy a percolator and never have a latte greater. I could save over $43 a week! That’s right, folks. Act now and purchase a coffee maker online at any fine coffee trader. If you use the promo code “Chill 2” at checkout, you’ll receive half-off and a free iced coffee. Wow, I didn’t know we were sponsored by literally every single online retailer. Nah, just the ones that sell coffee makers. Maybe we really are moving up in the world?

Liability – Lorde

So far up that you’re gonna watch us disappear into the sun. Ah man, we’re still in the depressing section. It’s never over. I know that it’s exciting running through the night, but it’s also dangerous. I once split my head open at a birthday party that way. Yikes. Yeah, you should’ve seen the other guys! What were they doing? They were playing Goldeneye 64 while I was getting bandaged. Bottom 3 in birthday parties, gotta say. Sounds like you were a little much for them. One might say you were a liability. It did stretch their insurance. Soon after, I was forced to pull back, make other plans. Sure, that’s why you never get invited to anything anymore. The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy until all the tricks don’t work anymore. Then they get bored of me. Ah man, I think we really went too far down in terms of tone. That’s super tragic. Uh, but I was just quoting lyrics! Definitely being 100% tongue-in-cheek that entire time! Can’t wait until Sincerity Is Scary by The 1975 is on our next mix CD so I can use those lyrics to call out your very weak masking of emotions. Can’t do it yet! You’re gonna watch me disappear into the…

Moon – Foals

Moon. A lot less painful to die there, I’d imagine. In both cases, you’d die to the vacuum of space before anything else. I wish I could harness space’s vacuum to clean my living room. Wrong type of vacuum. Yeah, the only vacuum I see here is you, because you suck!!! The only vacuum I see here is that joke, because it sucked all the energy I had to write the rest of this. It feels like I am you now and you are me instead. Then I see there’s blood on your wedding dress. I thought we made it very clear that neither of us are anywhere close to that. Now I see you trouble, it’s coming up ahead. Hello? Just going to ignore me, now? The world is quiet, there is nothing left unsaid. When I’m sleeping in my own place, I’m not home. Then where are you? Oh, now you answer me. I am you now and you are me instead. It is coming now, my friend, and it’s the end.

Streetlights – Wild Cub

First lyric in this song mentions the moon. I just want it be said that I almost always perfectly sequence these CDs–you mean, we almost always perfectly sequence these CDs. Right, right. But it’s just like every song flows into each other on every CD whether it be a connection by words or by sound, and I really want it to be recognized by all the haters out there. Q, our problem isn’t haters. Our problem is not having enough clout to even get haters. We only get like one new person at a time, max, listening to these because the only time we can play them are in cars. And people are getting rid of their CD players in cars. Fortunately we can still play the playlists, but you’re correct. When I say “that’s alright, it’s alright”, it’s a lie. I can see it, a shadow cast alone. When the stars shine down from heaven… oh man, another connection to the moon. But it’s a lie, it’s a lie. It’s alright.

She Lays Down – The 1975

Because we finally go to bed as she lays down. The metaphorical “she”, that is. Of course. It’s whoever the listener has in mind as they listen. At least, that’s the meaning of the song in context of our mix CD. The 1975 has its own very straightforward meaning of it being a song about the lead singer’s mother, but death of the author and all that. Nah, Nana would be death of the author, this is about postpartum depression. I know it’s nowhere near the same level of pain as true postpartum depression, but man I got real sad when you moved across the country. It really broke me up too, A. Even though we make so many jokes about how much we dislike our jokes and our natural chemistry when around other people, I really, really miss you. I’d like to say I’ve no reason to complain, but I wear a frown and dressing gown when I lay down so far away. I pray that you make it back over water, over terrain, without the engines going bust. And I hope I see you soon for another Coldprom. Alright now I don’t want to come back. Kidding! Kidding. Thank goodness we have the internet to keep us together in spirit. Yeah.

And after all 6000+ words, we finally made it through our explanations of Eleventh Hour and Chill 2. Even though I know no one who clicked on this read it, thank you all so much for even visiting the post and upping the reader count. We said at the end of our last big post that we’d have a new mix CD within four months. We were only off by about… ten months on that prediction. It seemed longer because we didn’t make the listing public until now despite having it all finished and burned a month ago. That’ll happen when you want to write 6500 words and burn out halfway through. It’s better to burn out than to fade away. Wrong song! And with that, we’re out. Thanks again, everyone. Especially you, A. You too, Q.

*sniff* What a touching, bittersweet marathon of a post. I’m so happy Q&A made up! Uh, boss, did you actually read that? What? No, no, no no of course not, intern. Why would you think that? Well, you’re crying, and you’re trying to hide the computer screen from me, so I just assumed. You’ve assumed before that you’d get paid for this job, and how often do these assumptions turn out correct? Point taken. But you’ve gotta not let the soap opera nonsense actually get to you. Hey! The Q&A friendship is real and is my friend! No, it’s a marketing ploy to get people to listen to their new CDs. It would have to be literally the worst marketing ploy of all time in that case. You’re not wrong. I’m the boss: I’m never wrong. Now who’s assuming?

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Super Mario Strikers Analysis

Hoo boy. This is a blog post over a year and a half in the making. I love the video game Super Mario Strikers. It was a sports game released for the Gamecube in December 2005. It was received with a “meh” reaction from critics who found the game extremely shallow. The game’s developers over at Next Level Games clearly agreed and updated the gameplay significantly for the Wii sequel Mario Strikers Charged.

But I loved the original base game, and I’ve played it ever since it came out. And after 13 years of playing it, I decided to test the reviewers’ claims of shallowness and samey-ness. See, you can choose between 9 captains and 4 sidekicks to make a team in Strikers, but it doesn’t seem like there are any real differences between the teams in terms of performance. There aren’t obvious differences in stats between players as there are in Mario Strikers Charged. But I wanted to find out if that was truly the case.

To do so, I played 533 games of Strikers and kept track of the major stats in every game. I wanted to see if there were any differences between teams’ performances. Along the way, I also figured out if there were noticeable differences between stadiums, what captains and sidekicks played the best as opponents, and a billion other small things about the game. Every piece of analysis is written in the Word file below.

Word file with all the analysis:

If you’re here for the raw numbers, you can take a look at the incomprehensible Excel spreadsheet I put all the data in.

Excel file of all the data:

Finally, if you aren’t interested in these longform pieces of insane analysis, you can watch this highlight video of all the cool goals scored along the way instead.

The cool as heck Youtube video compiling all the goals:

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Even More Quick Album Reviews

I’ve told at least one person that this is a music blog, so it’s about time I get back to writing about music. Especially when September has two albums I’m looking forward to, and October currently has three. Before I get too caught up in reviewing those mystery albums that will go unnamed until released (unless of course they come to me early like The 1975’s second album), I’d like to talk about 12 albums I recently rented from the library. These all came from the local library here at the Great Treee in Boggly Woods, not the one in Poshley Heights (though that library rents out game consoles and boy do I wish ours had the funds to do so as well). So, let’s get on with it.

Celebration Rock – Japandroids

The best thing ever written about Japandroids’ critically-acclaimed second album is the first quote from Skylark on this page: Celebration Rock is an album to listen to when you feel like celebrating by screaming. There’s only guitars, drums, and the weak but fitting vocals of the lead singer and songwriter to listen to between the album bookends of fireworks. It’s a fun album to listen to… but not much substance. I can imagine why people would like it since it has fun, raw energy and is a “pure” sound in a time when every modern single has 20 different layers, but that’s all it is. The House That Heaven Built is the best track on the album and very fun to scream along with. Just make sure to put this album at the end of every playlist to celebrate listening to the playlist, as Skylark said.

Always Ascending – Franz Ferdinand

I only ever seem to rent Franz Ferdinand albums and never buy them. I’m sure there’s some symbolism there about me and my interest in history if anyone wants to dig. I’ll be ascending to the sound of the title track of this album, which is also a fun rock song. But unlike the fun rock of Japandroids, the songs Franz Ferdinand makes have more than 2 instruments and the lead singer can actually hit every note he tries to sing. The tracks Glimpse of Love and Feel the Love Go are both standout tracks in FF’s latest album. Just goes to show that, even if the lyrics are meaningless, love can still inspire some dang good songs. Truly, 2018 is the year of “love” in lyrics. Anyway, if you’ve heard any Franz Ferdinand song, you already know what this album sounds like, so you don’t need this review. Sorry for writing it!

Distraction – Bear Hands

Most songs on Bear Hands’ sophomore album are about weird guys and their weird ways. From the agoraphobic in Agora, to the extremely lazy man in Sleeping on the Floor, to the violent hypocrite in Peacekeeper, to the lovesick schoolboy in The Bug, to the literal grave digger in Grave Digger, the images of people that Bear Hands paint are both (fittingly) distracting and haunting. What makes it all the stranger is that these portraits are set to rather unremarkable alt rock melodies and sounds. But the distinct sound of the lead singer’s vocals fits with the exact images he’s trying to paint, so… it all works out to a sound that is more than the sum of its parts. Agora and Grave Digger also have really solid hooks which is why I rented this album in the first place. Probably my favorite of the first trilogy of albums I rented.

Ritual in Repeat – Tennis

This is the only album by Tennis that actually exists, in my mind. The Cool TV introduced me to them when they played the album’s lead single, I’m Callin’, on (in?) repeat. Only because of a memory of The Cool TV from 5+ years ago did I rent this album. Honestly, it’s probably the weakest of all the albums I rented. It’s summer indie pop. Which means that it’s easy listening, kinda earwormy, but weak-sounding. I actually like the remorse code sounding hook of I’m Callin’ and Never Work for Free has a fun chorus, but the rest of Tennis’ album fails to hold serve. I’d call it a let and have them try again, but through no fault of mine does the library have any other albums by them. Change court!

Sometimes I Sit and Think and Sometimes I Just Sit – Courtney Barnett

As much as I love New Zealand singer-songwriters, I’ve never gotten into Australian musicians. Courtney Barnett is/was/might again be indie rock’s darling when she came out with this album a few years back. Her songs are simple in melody and style but rich in complex lyricism. As my colleague pointed out, she’s closer to a rapper than a singer. Which feels like an insane thing to write until you hear her rattle off bon mots on Dead Fox or on Nobody Really Cares if You Don’t Go to the Party or on Pedestrian at Best. For some songs, though, she switches to a more traditional, slower singing style that provides an interesting change of pace. Kim’s Caravan, Boxing Day Blues, Small Poppies, and Depreston all feel like half of a different, much sadder album that Barnett could’ve come out with. Instead, she mixed fun sounding songs about self-doubt with very sad songs about self-doubt, making her the Australian female guitarist equivalent of twenty one pilots. I hope that’s the first and last time that comparison ever gets made.

Glow – Royal Teeth

Gonna be honest, didn’t realize Royal Teeth’s name was a play on the word “royalty” until having to repeat the name out loud to a colleague 3 times. The band had a small breakout hit with the song “Wild” which I heard at a Mexican restaurant last year, and that reminded me that the band even existed. Then I randomly saw their only album at the library and decided I might as well see why any Mexican restaurant would even think about playing them. However, the band from Louisiana has some Creole influence, but no Spanish in them. The bright, poppy melodies of their tracks matches what I presume to be the energy of Mardi Gras, but my god the lead man’s vocals are weak. I actually like the woman’s voice way more though she’s usually the backup singer. Not much to say about them other than they are pretty good and shouldn’t have completely disappeared. Mais La, Monster, Vagabonds, and Wild are all pretty good tracks, and I don’t think that’s a wild opinion. Haha, just some Royal Teeth humor.

Trouble Will Find Me – The National

Heh, get this. Heh, heh, heh. You’re never gonna believe this one, heh heh. Heh. So, heh, I was in the library, heh, and, get this, heh, I was looking for another CD when I saw this. And, heh, wouldn’t you know it, I took one look at the title, and, heh, said to myself “trouble is my middle name, and I”-heh-“have found you”. Heh heh heh heh. No one has  ever made that joke before, heh.

The National are one of the few modern bands led by a low-pitched vocalist. Matt Bellamy’s band gets a lot of airplay on college radio stations because most of those DJs can relate heavily to his calm, articulate singing style. I’m unsure if these DJs relate better or worse to the depressing subject matter of The National’s music, I’ll let the comments decide. I can relate to the nonsensical lyrics intermixed with all the sadness, that’s for sure. Trouble Will Find Me is a very solid record full of a lot of slow-paced, sad-sounding songs and two standout fast-paced, happy-sounding but depressing songs. Graceless and Don’t Swallow the Cap will have you sing along to choruses about being alone and depressed. But my favorite track is the straightforward “love” song I Need My Girl that has a really awesome guitar riff looping. Great song on a great album.

What Went Down – Foals

Foals’ most recent album opens with two absolute stunners of tracks in What Went Down and Mountain at My Gates, and then follows with 8 straight songs that I simply don’t remember. It’s kind of a shame that they made the album so top-heavy since the tracks like London Thunder or Night Swimmers or Give it All are pretty good rock songs, but just don’t compare to the anger found in What Went Down or the hypnotic melodies in Mountain at My Gates. It’s a very good album with some very good songs that isn’t sequenced right.

How Does it Feel – MS MR

MS MR had one of the most boring breakout hits I can remember when Hurricane got lots of airtime on my radio. Fortunately, their sophomore album does not have that song, and instead has a bunch of interchangeable indie pop. What differentiates them from any other indie pop is their choice of synthesizers, which heavily sample horn sections rather than more higher-pitched vibrations, and the rather good vocals of the lead singer/songwriter. How Does it Feel opens with the frantic and fun track Painted that brings energy never again found in the album, which is a shame since it’s a great song. That said, other tracks like Tunnels or Criminals are well-written and competent indie pop, but do little in further endearing me to the pop duo. Best of luck to them.

Inanimate Objects – Atlas Genius

I used to run a radio show called The Cautiously Optimistic Variety Show, and I think Atlas Genius’ song titled Molecules is the most cautiously optimistic song I’ve heard. The chorus is “maybe now’s the time to be alive”, for goodness’ sake. That’s also the best song on the album which is full of Killer-esque indie rock. Lots of guitars and synths to be found on this pretty good album. I think the album is a weird sci-fi/dystopian future concept album considering all the strange lyrics like “we are all just friendly apes”. I guess they had to pick something to help them stand out since most of the tracks are written to a tee in how they progress and sound. Which is fine! I like any kind of well-executed ideas, even if they’re old ideas. It’s a good album.

Dope Machines – The Airborne Toxic Event

TATE is often compared to Arcade Fire, and I guess the main guy behind it was sick of it, so he switched to a very machine-esque sound. Lead track and lead single Wrong is an awesome electro-anthem about… being wrong, and it wouldn’t be out of place on a CHVRCHES album. The first half of the album has a lot of bombastic choruses bolstered by synths with songs like Time to Be a Man or Dope Machines, and the second half falls into a more melancholy, dream-like sound with tracks like My Childish Bride and The Thing About Dreams. But the album does end with the spiritual, electronic sequel to Sometime Around Midnight in the awesome track called Chains. All in all, this is one of the best albums on this list in my perspective. It just does everything well and has a great sound throughout.

How to Be a Human Being – Glass Animals

Glass Animals are a weird electro-pop band that spent an entire album writing songs about weird people. Turns out that it’s a pretty good formula. The lyrics are super memorable, and the odd choices for content make for an odd array of sounds. I don’t think the band would’ve written a song that sounds quite like Life Itself or Take a Slice without the very strange images inspiring them. Speaking of, Life Itself is a super fun track that single-handedly got me to like Glass Animals after not liking anything off their debut album. Some songs are a bit too far into being weird and get kind of uncomfortable in both sound and lyrics, like Season 2 Episode 3’s portrait of a very lazy and depressed woman being set to endless samples of video games. But all the weirdness comes to a head with the closing song, Agnes. It’s a more emotional and more articulate version of the Bastille track Good Grief since both songs are about dead people on the singer’s mind. While Good Grief is a joy to listen to, Agnes puts the listener through a wringer, and I love it. With the album being bookended by Life Itself and Agnes, it doesn’t matter what the middle songs are since the album leaves a great first and last impression.

We’ll end this all with the special reveal that I completed my 11th mix CD about a month ago thanks to these CDs and just never got around to getting Q&A to write about it. So look forward to that happening sometime, someday. Maybe. It’s been in the draft folder for about a month with no progress on it. But I’ll try to get them to write!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Pungry’s Thirsty: Root Beer Flashback Olde Time Soda Est: 2010

Weeeeeeeeeelllll sonny boy, it’s sometime-long-ago Saturday, and olde grampse here ise gonnae telle youe aboute some olde time sodae thate he founde himselfe drinkinge aftere watchinge the Seattle Marinerse lose againe to trye ande forgete. It’s been a little over a year and a half since I’ve last drunk anything, so my tastebuds have atrophied some, but my sense of nostalgia has only grown greater. Flashback’s Root Beer flavored Olde Time Sodae is, like all root beers, trying very hard to make you remember when you were ten and root beer was the best thing you ever had because back in the day your pappy would only give you ten cents a year for allowance and the soda jerk (who was quite rightfully named so) sold his root beer at the tall price of 15 cents so you’d have to wait two years walking up and down hills both ways in the snow with no shoes to earn enough money to get one small glass at the tall price and you forced your tastebuds to think it was the sweetest thing ever at least until you married Maude down at the olde time poste office when she diligently censored your letters home from serving with the army boys and what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, the root beer. Maybe it’s because it’s been a year and a half since I’ve had any root beer whatsoever, but Flashback tastes better than average despite not doing anything interesting. As always, that’s the problem with these root beers that try to imitate a past taste. You can capture lightning in a bottle a million times after first coming up with it, but it’ll only strike once. Or something like that. To reiterate, Flashback is fine, but I want the future of root beer. Why are all the knuckleheads in Silicon Valley trying to disrupt the tech industry when there’s a perfectly old-fashioned root beer industry to disrupt?

e: Holy smokes, gang. Turns out I’d reviewed this very root beer before for this website!

One of my main complaints was that it tasted like wintergreen. Well, the folks at Flashback must’ve listened since I couldn’t taste anything other than sweet tap water this time around. Must’ve changed the recipe or something. Which is a crazy thing for a brand called Flashback to do! They’re banking on you drinking this soda once, remembering what it tasted like, and then buying it again for that same taste! Changing the flavor doesn’t do that! I ended that review by calling the root beer a dirty liar, and I think it’s fair for me to do that again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Breaking the Resumeta: Applying for Game Industry Jobs

Hello! The intern is coming at you with some fresh new content. The main boss is currently too much in a funk to write anything, so he’s handed the content creation reigns to me. This is super exciting, as it’s the first time in the seven years I’ve been here that I get to give my unfiltered voice. See, mom? It took until I was 34, but I’ve made it as a writer.

Anyway, I was brainstorming what sort of content to write with this opportunity, and came to the conclusion that since I was able to find the job I love in this economy, I should give out advice as to how to get other people the jobs in the industries they love. That’s how I came up with the idea for “Breaking the Resumeta”.

What is a “resumeta”, you ask? It’s a combination of the words “resumé” and “meta”. I hope everyone reading is at least familiar with the concept of a resumé; it’s that document you give to would-be employers that outlines your skills, experience, and astrological sign.

The second term is a little trickier to explain. “Meta” is short for “metagame”. A metagame is a video game term. The direct definition of “metagaming” is to “use any strategy, action, or method that goes beyond the supposed limits of a game”. In abstract, that doesn’t make much sense, but I can break it down. See, in most competitive online games, the best players are all roughly at the same skill level. What differentiates them is what playstyle they choose since most online games are balanced around different playstyles competing against each other.

For instance, you have the choice between three playstyles in rock-paper-scissors. If two players are to repeatedly play rock-paper-scissors by randomly choosing what to “throw”, the results should end up with player one winning 33% of the time, player two winning 33% of the time, and the two drawing 33% of the time.

However, no one plays rock-paper-scissors randomly. Instead, each player tries to read the other’s mind to predict what the other person will “throw” so that they can pick the perfect counter “throw”. Like if one player noticed that the other player liked to throw paper after throwing rock, said player would probably throw scissors the next time they saw their opponent throw rock in anticipation of seeing paper. This sort of next-level thinking is called “metagaming”.

Just like in rock-paper-scissors, players playing online games can choose whatever playstyle they feel comfortable with. Playstyles are generally put into tiers, with tier 1 playstyles being the agreed-upon best overall styles. Some of these tier 1 playstyles are tier 1 because they beat every other playstyle the most consistently. However, some tier 1 playstyles are playstyles that may be less likely to beat every other playstyle, but these can beat the agreed-upon “best” playstyle more consistently than any other playstyle. Below is the usual rock-paper-scissors “metagame”.

Normal RPS Metagame Infographic

Going back to the rock-paper-scissors example, imagine if a fourth choice was added called “hammer”. Also, let’s just pretend that rock beat both paper and scissors, hammer beat rock, paper and scissors both beat hammer, and paper and scissors now tie. Because rock could beat half of the choices available, tie the third choice, and only lose to the fourth choice, it would have a 75% chance of not losing, and thus be a “tier 1” playstyle.

However, because of this, other players would expect more people to choose “rock” over any other choice, and thus more players would start to choose “hammer” in anticipation of an opponent choosing rock. These players are said to be making “counterpicks” as according to the “metagame”. As “hammer” starts to be used more, it becomes a “tier 1” choice despite losing to both paper and scissors and only earning a draw if both players choose hammer. In a heavy rock “metagame” the best players will choose “hammer” more often than 25% of the time even though in a “normal” metagame in which all four choices are used 25% it would be the worst choice. Below is another infographic that shows the new rock-paper-scissors-hammer meta based on this data.

Rock Paper Scissors Hammer Metagame Infographic

I hope that explanation makes sense, because I’m here to “break the resumeta” in the same way the hammer would. What this means is that I’ll be looking at examples of the “tier 1” resumés that got members of the industry I’m covering their jobs, really study them, and then provide you guys advice as to how to one-up (gaming industry term!) those exact kind of resumés! Now, tier 1 resumés are whatever is on the first page of Google Images. Let’s see what “gaming industry resumés” are at the top of the tier lists.

This is the very first resumé that shows up when you search “gaming industry resume”, and my god it could not be more boring. We can’t say for certain what job our friend Douglas was looking for, but based on the experience and education listed, it’s probably for a position as a game company’s historian. Which, despite the name, does advertising? Man, the anime club really screwed up its position-naming.

Now, as with all tier 1 playstyles, there are weaknesses in Douglas’ resumé that we can exploit to make our resumé stand out among the sea of similar resumés. The first place to start is the file name. I would bet 100 gil or zenny or coins or rupees that Doug named his file something boring like “Douglas M. Moore Advertising Resumé 2016”. Which is functional but so lame. You’re applying for the games’ industry, man! Spice it up. I recommend to name your resumés in the same format as a video game save file. My personal favorite type of save file formats are those classic RPG ones that go “File Name – Character Level – Time Played – Location”. Here’s an example of a good gaming industry resumé file name.

gaming industry resume file name

Already this hypothetical resumé is poised to break the resumeta! But now, 1000 words into this tutorial level (god, don’t you hate unskippable tutorials??? hit that like button if you agree), we finally get into the meat of the resumé. The resumeat, if you will. As I said earlier, a huge problem with Douglas’ tier 1 resumé is that it is so visually boring. Black and white, Times New Roman, and lacking anything that makes it stand out from literally every other resumé. No, if you want to work in the gaming industry, you have to prove your gaming chops from your font and color choice. Luckily, retro 8-bit font is in, so it’s gonna be super easy to impress your hopeful employers. Check out the naming header (using the great font from this link:

John 3rd Mario Bro Smith

As a gamer, it’s very important to add in your gaming nickname in your headline. You don’t want to look like some n00b. Of course, a cool handle isn’t enough to prove your worth to the king–er, employer. Douglas’ resumé does the traditional thing of listing his “professional experience”, but you’re a gamer trying to get a gaming industry job! List the most relevant stuff: your gaming experience.


This is my old gaming resumé.

The next section in Douglas’ resumé lists his education. Obviously, this is important to the gaming industry, but instead of being impressed by dumb Ivy League schoolkids who got 4.0s, the gaming industry wants to know who taught you how to game. Let’s take a look at another typical example of what they want.

john education

You’ll notice that part of the text has been colored yellow to make the important names and dates stand out in contrast with the more bland text below. That’s another part of our “tier 1” rival’s resumé I found lacking. His next section reads “computer skills”, but I think it’s far more important to list the most difficult skills in games you’ve been able to master. That’ll definitely stand out compared to everybody listing “Microsoft Office”, “Java”, or “Good with children”. Take a look:

john skills

Douglas continues his resumé with a section of miscellaneous jobs he held that he spun as “leadership experience”. You could do that, or you could break the meta by not talking about the times you were “on the board” of college extracurricular clubs in which the whole point of the “job” was for resumé filler. Let’s just skip to “awards and honors”. If you’re a true gamer, I don’t even need to tell you that the name of this section needs to be “achievements”. If done incorrectly, this section might be redundant with “gaming experience”, so take proper care to space out your storied gaming history like so:

john achievements

Phew! I think we covered all the sections of Douglas’ resumé, but we aren’t out of the Deku Woods (gamer term) yet! The resumé is a definitely half of the boss key (gamer term), but the second half to the final boss is unlocked with the cover letter. Truly, it is the Super Mushroom (gamer term) that you’ll need to power up (gamer term) your application. I recommend making a couple of generic cover letters that outline your most relevant gaming experience with regards to the specific job you want. Then just replace the proper nouns as needed depending on what job/company you’re applying for. Here’s my typical cover letter:

john cover letter.PNG

Alright, now I think we’ve sufficiently busted the resumeta for the gaming industry. If such a 50-Cent Bulletproof (gamer term) resumé and cover letter can’t get you a job, the economy is way worse than I thought. If you do manage to get a job that actually pays and this guide helped you out, please hook me up. I always can get past the application stage but whenever I get interviewed by the gaming industry recruiters, they say that all my memes and jokes are from 2006.

I have a plethora of knowledge as to how to break the resumeta in any industry, not just video games, so if you have a suggestion as to which resumeta to break next, leave a comment. And the years of experience you have for leaving comments, so that I know what terrible suggestions I can easily filter out. Thanks for reading, and happy job hunting!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments


I recently finished another video game that I liked so much I wanted to write about it. However, I got 800 words in, decided I hated everything I wrote, and all those words and pictures have sat in my draft folder here since.

What I’m trying to say is that I accidentally found out that it was my website’s 8th birthday when I visited this place ten minutes ago, trying to get back on that video game review. Like a dad who forgot it was his son’s birthday until on his way home from work, I’m now struggling to find enough words to fit a small card from the local grocery store.

I recently re-read Jon Bois’ Breaking Madden. It’s a series in which Bois creates ludicrous scenarios in the football video game simulator series “Madden”. During its runtime, Bois spent a week coming up with the scenario, finding Twitter users to participate, record what happens, and then write an article about it. It’s perhaps the funniest bit of web content ever produced. You can read it here:

I highly recommend reading that, since it is a ball of creative joy compared to anything else ever written, especially when compared to the rest of this post, which will be unending whining. See, Bois’ work is exactly the kind of writing I would have loved to do years ago. “But, wait, Pungry!” my imaginary reader stand-in says, “Why do you say ‘loved’? You could still do this!” See, where some people may get inspired by great work in the field they wish to pursue, I lose all confidence in my own work if I see anything similar to what I hope to do that is, in my eyes, better than what I have. See, I’m a defeatist.

If you read my post about my blog turning 7 (and who are we kidding I completely forgot what I wrote in that until I looked it up to write this; the only person who researches what I write is myself), you would have seen a very pessimistic scrawl about how, despite being more popular than ever, I was quite down on my writing. One year later, the fame has dried up, and so has any confidence I have in this. I don’t think I’ve written one funny thing all year.

That’s obviously something someone writes when they’re fishing for a compliment. I have said a lot of similarly negative things this past year about many things in my life, and, since I’m usually saying this to other people, the other person generally responds with that “expected compliment”. Except I say negative stuff like that because I genuinely feel like that. I seriously think I haven’t written anything funny this year. I don’t want people cherry-picking quotes from articles I wrote last year, reposting them in the comments, and saying “oh, but this line was so funny”. No, I don’t want that. I want validation that this website sucks.

Fortunately, I already have that validation. I already said that this website has lost any semblance of fame. It’s true! I’m on pace for 1300 views this year. In 2016, I had 2500+, and in 2017 I had 2000+. Sure, I’m producing less content, but it’s also a sign that I suck. After all, I have done more publicity than ever for this website this year. I’ll be real with you all for a second. I’ve been aggressively applying to jobs this past month and a half, and I’m listing my eight years as owner of this site as experience with a link to my website in my resume. And yet this website gets no traffic from any would-be employers. I know putting this paragraph on here will probably drive away the one recruiter that clicks that link for obvious reasons, but I want to publish it anyway. It’s my website.

Looking back at my Seven Years post some more, there is one prediction that was accurate. In that post, I called for Insomniac Games to bring Spyro the Dragon back, and earlier this year some generous company bought the rights to remake the original trilogy and it comes out in the fall. Although they did say they’re remastering the entire soundtrack as well… which means no Stewart Copeland… which means probably a worse soundtrack. It’s so easy to find negatives in everything.

But there is a genuine positive, at the end of the day (as one of my two readers loves to say). And that’s that this website has been going for 8 years. Yes, it has only 5500+ views in that time, which is a horrible HORRIBLE ratio. Yes, I don’t actually like anything I’ve written. But, yes, I’ve written it all, and I’ve had the courage to publish all 330 posts that are public. At this point, is one of those blogs that’s only impressive in how long it has gone on without any backing whatsoever. It’s the equivalent of one of those houses you find in the middle of nowhere that the owner built by themselves. He/she didn’t understand modern plumbing techniques, couldn’t hook it up to electricity, had no clue what insulation was, but he/she built a dang house without anyone else’s help, and he/she got to sleep in it for eight years. Before a tornado blew it down.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be in my tornado basement if you need me.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

What Love Songs Have Taught Me

Alright, the last post was very negative about a lot of things, including love. But what exactly “is” love? Love is such a vague term that even traditional philosophers have failed to come to a complete agreement about the definition. For me, though, the modern philosopher is the musician. As I said in my review of Love is Dead, I went combing through the lyrics of every song I owned, looking for lyrics about the concept of love itself. Whenever the word was used, I placed the line “love” appeared into a very large poem. The result is this absolute mess of an epic.

Love, no feeling can last forever
Love me last, don’t love me maybe
I’m someone you maybe might love
Maybe I’m too shy I need your love
And you said, maybe we don’t deserve love
And you deserve to be loved and you deserve what you have been given
Give me your heart, and I’ll give you my love
I got a very good friend who says he can’t believe the love I give
I got love for all your hate
Gave you my love, you gave me nothing
I know the love you gave feels cheap and used
But give me love over, love over, love over this
Oh my lover, my lover, my love
Love, love, love, love is just greed

Wait for your call, love
Waiting on love to call
Love is calling
Love is the answer and the one design
Call it true love
They call it reckless love
They don’t know what love is, know what love is
It could be love, I think you’re too soon to call us old
I’ll love you ‘til you call the cops on me
Your sisters loved you
And oh my love remind me, what was it that I said?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called “love”
So tell me sweetheart, did they teach you all of this in a school, love?

It feels so good to have you back, my love
Love is hard, sex is easy
I know it’s hard enough to love me
And I’m trying hard to make you love me but I don’t wanna try too hard
How can I live with so much love?
So try to love me and I’ll try to save you
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
What’s the point of feeling love for you
Don’t hang your head, love should make you feel good
And my love is no good
Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home
And I love you, please come home

This love up down, please believe
Believe in love
And the wonders love can do
Love forever, love is free
Love until you bleed
So love is real like a disease
Loving life turned me insane
With the pain that you drain from love
Hurt the ones you love the most easily
But, mother, you knew, your love kept on hurting me
Some boys get too much, too much love, too much touch
Don’t think about love too much
I love you too, um, hope you’re doing well
Oh we couldn’t keep that love

I know that love is a terrible, terrible thing
I got a love that keeps me waiting
I got a lot to love I got a lot to lose
I was losing my mind because the love, the love
I love (but I love)
I don’t love you just because
I love the rip of nerves
I love it when you come over to my house
Yeah, I love my house
I love these roads where the houses don’t change (and I like you)
I love this country dearly
I love this feeling
I love you anyway

Once I had a love to show, a love they know
First they love you
Yeah they love you when they need you
And everyone’s competing for a love they won’t receive
And they ask how I can love you, when all they see is this
Seeing me rolling, showing someone else love
It seems like our love is too maddening for everyone else
My love made them move, made
Oh my love, don’t be mad
I don’t know how this love should go
Love like ours should never die with years
But how love dies is a place that I’m not going
But you say, “Oh, when love is gone”
Tell me where you love without leaving at all, and I’ll go
There is no love lost here between us
The love I let in, it left me so lost
Fragments of a lost love
Love is lost, love can burn
You should stop loving fire because you got burned
You should’ve seen your little face, burning with love
I will crush my love, let it burn until I get to you
Our love is plastic

Month of May, everybody’s in love
We almost fell in love
I fell in love with a wind-up souvenir
Never fell in love cause I just cut loose
No, love’s not an answer, ‘til it ends up all loose
And I’m not trying to stop you love
If you could show me love
Show me love, fill my cup
I have none to show to the one I love
The one that I love most
The one who showed you love
Cause you’re the one I love
So let’s love for one song
So let’s love
So let’s set out to sea, love
So if you love someone, you should let them know
So do whatever you must, love, do whatever it must take
I will love what you want me to love

So hold on tight to everything you love
I can’t help but love thinking that everyone doesn’t get it
It’s how you think of love
I think I loved you most when we were in my galaxy
Do you think that you could learn to love me anyway?
I wanna learn to love in kind
That distant kind of love
She thinks you love the beach, you’re such a damn liar
What kind of man loves like this?
Who hates what he believes and loves it at the same time
I will remember the times when love would really glow
Real love, a thousand times more
But when you’re in love all the lines get blurred
Our love is underlined
Love and understand me, baby
We can’t make love when you fly around me baby
Baby, you know I’m loving you skintight
If you’re sick, baby girl I would love to be your doctor
But you’re gonna love me baby when you get to know me
You know I love you so
So, darling, if you love me
If you love me, won’t you let me know?

Yeah if you wanna find love, then you know where the city is
Are you in love with the city?
In the city that we love
I never found love in the city
Never thought love could be found
Love has found us
And I found love and fear won’t go
The only love I ever found
Love confound me
No contra to you, my love
The opposite of love’s indifference
To the weight of love
I’m just a prisoner in a reign of love
Words of love and words so leisured
World starts screaming words of love
But I love to read the words you use
A letter to my true love
Someone said true love was dead
Like my true love to feel some made up breeze
Love is the only thing left that’s true

Oh, Ophelia, Heaven help a fool who falls in love
You know God loves the sensitive ones
God I love the way you love yourself
Lie love, live love, lie love thy neighbor
You know I’m nothing without your love, no
Love you more than you know
Is that I love you so
Wish you knew I still love you and could control what I do
And we knew what it meant to be loved
It means that we’re in love and that’s enough now
But if love is enough, could you let it show?

You said our love was written in the stars
I said I love you, you said goodbye
She said she loved me, but she had somewhere to go
And I said, give a little love
She said, “I’d love you to stay but that’s simply insane”
Why wait a minute to tell her I love
I said “I love you”
But when I say I love you, your silence covers me
I wish that I could have loved you then
Tell me you love me
Tell me was it enough when we were first in love to plant the seed and just leave
Say I’m cheapening your love
All this talk of love turns to noise
And in that love, the white noise of a shell
Don’t leave us not in love again

I say goodbye to love again
Goodbye girl, you know it’s only love
Then you turned to say you loved me
Always one foot out when you say goodbye to the ones that you love
By the ones you think you love
May you return to love one day

I love you
And I would love you
If it’s all forgotten love
This is how I show my love
Got loving on my mind
I’m just the sucker who let you fill her mind (but what about love?)
Falling in love filled my soul with fright
I was afraid of the love that you asked for
I’m scared to love what we love most
I’m too afraid to love you
He who taught me to love like a beast
Love like a sunset
With eternal love, stars above
I know it’s me who’s supposed to love you
But I was late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life
We had time, we had love, we had everything
Back then this thing was running on momentum, love, and trust
There’s nothing to fear, now my love
Without your love, I’ll be
Strung up, strung out for your love
Only love can dig you out of this
Never out of love
My love would never
Oh come on love
Stay if you wanna love me, stay
I said, “Don’t fall in love with the moment”
We fall in love again

Wake up to fall in love
Love will wake us, love won’t break us
When we wake up you engulf me in your love
Your love, I suppose, is an ocean the ebb and flow, oh
And the love that I dreamt of
If you love me I can sleep
Sleeping in the clothes you love
It’s that ancient love
Our love was long so long
Our love is getting old
Our love has gone cold
Your other love is gone and you know
Your love is out

And love is blind
Trading in his blindness for the glow of love
Visions of our love pass right by me
But your jealousy is more blind than love
Your love is so loud
Open your eyes, love, you’ve got me crying
Why your love is such a mystery
The love that you give is such a familiar sound
The holy sound of our love
For loving and leaving, I secretly hear them
And the boys trip me up with their heads again, loving them
So start falling in love
She’s loving the smell in the air
You know I love to be in love
Who could love you in the way that you love you?

Remember me? Remember love?
I’ll love you just the same
My love keeps growin’ still the same
Let your love grow tall
We lift our love
If you give up your love now
If you get between someone I love and me
I’ll give you all the love I never gave before I left you
All this love of mine
All my love that I can’t hide
All I need is life, love with you
All we need is love
Love, we need it now
Now we sit in your car and our love is a ghost
Love is the coal
It’s a black, black shadow at the center of love

Is this the place we used to love?
Anywhere you are, my love
But how I’d love to go to Paris again
The only love I haven’t screwed up

It might be love
Someone like you could love a creep like me
I could’ve loved you longer
Yeah, you should be loving someone
And love me (Love me, yeah)
Yeah love’s got you holding on
Her baby’s got the loving arm
A loving hand and daring kiss
From dancing with the one I love
And you’ll never find love in an open hand
I love sex, and I love dancing
I love, I love, I love, I notice
Messy morsels of my self-assured love
Not loving all you see
When your love is right
When you’re too in love to let it go
When love is free
Secretly you love this, do you even wanna go free?
Free from a love that makes me run
Empty loving makes me seasick
Life is a drink, and love’s a drug
She’s in love, come on give it to her!
The chemicals that make her love
As the man she loved
He split his love until it stretches too thin
Deep in the haze of your love high

I sing of a greater love
Every song of love?
Singing how I’ve always loved you, darling, and I always will
The timid proof of things we’d hidden or always knew of love
I’ll be loving you always, always
Why you always wanna love the ones who hurt you?
Don’t wanna love, don’t wanna hurt
You wanted to love, but you didn’t know how
All you ever wanted was love
I wanna love you
To feel your love and never be afraid
I’ve never loved you

Do you love me?
I’m in love, love
I’m loving you
I loved you all
I wanted love
Love you back
Lay me down, love
Tell her you love her, too
You tease this love
For your love
Love was a currency
Give me your love
Give me, give me all your love
And give him all my love
Fall back in love eventually

My love for you is real, I
Nod my head so dumb with love
This is how love really feels
I feel so in love, but not with you
You know I couldn’t love
You don’t love me anymore
Like giving up on love too fast
Promised your love but you lied
Clouds covered love’s barb-wired snare
We tear up the happiness and throw away the love
We don’t care, we’re not caught up in your love affair
About the birds, the boats, the past loves that flew away or started sinking
This isn’t a perfect love
No such thing as ordinary, love
Love has always been a mockery
It’s not love but wait
You’re loving something of a Midas touch
Romantic and drenched in sin, love

This love was so strong it shoulda
This love’s for gentlemen only
That love was a scornful thing
You have loved, you have cared, you’ve been too good to me
But to outplay is not to love
It was for love and love only
Cause I love you dearly
This is full blown love
My love, my love, my love is cruel
But I’ve only loved one person through all
My mother’s love is choking me
But here with your love
Love in my heart is the battle
Should never destroy your love or hopes
With me you’re love-safe
Send my love down in those rays of light
See our love, it remains
I’ll whisper back my love for you
That I’m in love with you
I’m heavy on your love
My love’s behind you
Oh oh love don’t let me go

It was love at first sight
We were waiting on love
We’re common people, we’re common people in love
Long before I knew of love
But I’m alone and so in love
Let him love, the man of faith
That everyone I love is gonna leave me
Except life and the love you make
And you gotta love your way of life
And we can love for the sake of the little one
I know you love it when the hairpins start to drop
I’ve been loving what I see you do at grad school
And this love has grown so restless
Love is not a veil to hide your voids
If we really love ourselves
How do you love somebody else?

Congratulations if you actually read all of that. In fact, congratulations if you even took the effort to scroll down to here. First, let me credit the true artists in this work. Each of the 360 or so lyrics included in this poem was by one of these bands: Arcade Fire, AWOLNATION, Bastille, The Black Keys, Bleachers, Bombay Bicycle Club, Broods, Catherine Warwick, Christine and the Queens, CHVRCHES, Coldplay, The Daylights, Echosmith, Florence + the Machine, Foals, Franz Ferdinand, Friendly Fires, fun., Gorillaz, Haim, In The Valley Below, Keane, The Killers, Lorde, The Lumineers, Metric, Metronomy, Michael Angelkos, Mika, Mumford & Sons, The Naked and Famous, Nona Reeves, OneRepublic, Passion Pit, Phoenix, RAC, Ryn Weaver, School of Seven Bells, Sonic R, Twenty One Pilots, Two Door Cinema Club, Wild Cub, The Wombats, The xx, Young the Giant, and The 1975.

Second, if you did actually read this, can you tell me what kind of conclusions can be made about love as according to modern musicians? I refuse to actually analyze the work I create. I only analyze other people’s work.

Third, yes, the process for this sucked and took forever. But I genuinely like pretty much every song I quoted here, so it was worth it. No, I did not listen to each song individually when compiling. I simply looked up the lyrics for each individual song and “control+f” for love. That said, I could sing you literally every line in this poem as it was sung in the context of its song. I am proud of my musical memory.

Fourth, love is not a real word any more.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments