Pungry’s Thirsty: Langers Gourmet Soda Chocolate Premium

I’ve been forced out of drink retirement. The fans don’t want me to stay sober, it appears. And heck, why not indulge them by drinking on the night that people truly get drunk: Monday night.

(imagine the bottle saying chocolate on it and you’ve got the design. also imagine this guy’s eyes being normal size)

Apparently I already had my senses slightly phased when I grabbed this from one of my two variety six-packs without looking. I was going for a root beer when the proverbial hand of god turned off the light in the fridge and forced me to pick a chocolate soda. Now, I’m not sure about you, but where I’m from, there is no such thing as chocolate soda. There is soda, and there is chocolate milk, and never should the two cross paths.

Well, Langers Gourmet Soda Premium LLC looked at this as a missed opportunity and threw some carbonated water in their leftover chocolate milk. Okay, fine, it wasn’t chocolate milk they carbonated. They carbonated chocolate water.

First impressions are absolute disappointment at first. Carbonated chocolate soda is the drink you get when you’re at the bottom of a well and you want to keep digging. There’s nothing wrong with a mocha or a chocolate Italian soda, but a classic straight-up chocolate soda? If you’re asking for that, I’m sorry. Every time I take a sip of this it gets a little more palatable, but, again, the stigma of this is getting to me. I try not to be a prejudiced man but until the SJWs get to the defense of this type of soda, I am going to have a hard time taking it seriously.

There are two people I can picture ordering this. One, is the soda-head that’s hit rock bottom. The second is a three year old kid trying to hang out with the cool five year olds at the soda fountain. Now the five year olds are drinking root beer, and this three year old knows he isn’t quite mature enough to appreciate it so he looks at the drink menu and sees “Chocolate Soda” on it. And he goes up to the fountain man and goes “Barkeep, one chocolate soda on the rocks” and sits down with the cool kids. He gets some stares but is accepted.

Basically, what I’m saying, is unless you are a three year old trying to look cool or a middle-aged man who just got fired from your cushy soda job, you probably shouldn’t drink this. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just got an identity problem.