You know how when cooking a hamburger you have to flip the patty on the grill for a full cook? Or when tanning you have to flip every hour or so for an even looking tan? What if the reverse of that principle was the key to healthy sleeping? Well, the big boys at Yale have done the research and bit the bullet by watching people sleep, and it turns out that the healthiest sleep is an eight hour sleep where, after four hours, the sleeper flips the mattress.
“Those idiots at Harvard probably thought the key to sleeping was buying a TempurPedic mattress cause those jerks will claim anything for money. Not us. Off-brand mattresses work just as well if you simply flip them midway through,” said Yale scientist Rocco Grimaldi. “Of course, SleepNumber beds provided the best comfort and best selection for the lowest price, so us sleep scientists recommend that one.”
The science is based on the fact that practically all beds are just mattresses on top of sets of knives. If you stay on one side of the mattress too long, your weight will eventually cause that side of the mattress to be pushed into the knives, thus scarring the mattress… and your sleep.
“The worst nightmare of waking up on a bed of knives could be a reality soon if people don’t start listening to us. These dang millenials who take 10 hour naps and 20 hour sleep sessions are going to eventually fall in without our help and SleepNumber beds,” said lead scientist Colby Armstrong.
As we all know, knife-bed technology is unlikely to ever be phased out thanks to the famous fable of “The Princess and the Piercer”, so knowing how to keep safe while in the most vulnerable position is important.
“I bet those idiots back at Harvard are recommending a switch away from bed-knives, but that’s just why us at Yale are always at the cutting edge of comfort; just like SleepNumber,” said Yale scientist and shill Wouter Peeters.
Peeters’s scholarship was taken away after that remark.