Feh… while all you bad boys are out dating women, us gamers (who are also women) are dating our video games, allowing us to “progress” (game term) on the “skill tree” (game term) to “level up” (game term) our knowledge (game term) to become all your bosses (game term). They say the meek will inherit the Earth, and there is no force meeker but greater than us gamers, but that’s because we’ve been preparing for the Gamer Future. Let me offer you foolish fools who have controlled your characters (game term) to a bad ending (game term) a glimpse into this glorious future in which we shall be at the level cap (game term) and you all left with bottlecaps (alcoholic term).
IN the gamer future, people will bring a humble video game rather than wine for a housewarming present. The pinot noir will fall to the wayside in favor of “point” (an anagram of pinot) n click adventure games.
IN the gamer future, resumes will list recent games COMPLETED, video game achievements, and game character references, who are the characters that you would personally call to ask for a recommendation. Me? Of course I would list Professor Layton, Phoenix Wright, and Ph. D Dr. Mario.
IN the gamer future, people will exclaim upon finishing a consumable that they have “one-hundred percented” it. For example, I 100%d the graphic novel Asterios Polyp before I 100%d my dinner of pizza rolls and off-brand Mountain Dew.
IN the gamer future, sports will be banned, and jocks will be sent to hard labor. Hey, I don’t write the future, I simply see it. Just as how Jeremy will see his comeuppance after cheating to beat me for the final slot on the JV tennis team freshman year.
IN the gamer future, religions will be allowed, but only if they accept video game characters as the new idols of worship. I must already recommend to stay away from the Sonic religion, those guys are weird.
IN the gamer future, people will stop automatically saying “gamer” in a dismissive, sarcastic tone.
IN the gamer future, I hardly know er!
As stated earlier, enjoy, mortals, your last days of “normal life”, for the gamer future is nigh. You may have made fun of us for having “no life”, but we truly have many, and all of them will help us craft (game term) a new, brighter, gamier future! Wait, gamier is a word? It appears even the Dictionary is on our side. You cannot stop… the game!
Intern, this is horrendous. I know. That’s not even close to what “gamier” actually means. No, I’m talking about this future. He’s right! All I’ve done these past 50 years was date women and push people off of JV sports teams! What shall I do? Clearly, you must repent at the new altar. I recommend one of Sonic’s churches. I shall go, with godspeed. You mean with sonicspeed.