You Know You Might Be A Criminal If…


The greatest stand-up comedians have all made their names with the catchphrase. Who could forget the comedian, Nikola Tesla, who came up with the awesome “it’s so hot/how hot is it?” setup? Or how about Thomas Edison’s hilarious “take my wife… please!” Or even the legendary Galileo Galilei’s listicle humor based around the phrase “you might be a redneck if…” Today, Pungry makes his mark on the stand-up comedy world with the newest, greatest set-up and punchline duo of the young new year. Give it up for:

YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT BE A CRIMINAL IF:

-You steal stuff
-You’re mean to people
-You dislike the law
-You talk about “the man”
-You look at stuff and want to steal it
-You pick only renegade options in video games
-You would download a car
-You claim Free Parking in Monopoly awards you $500
-You refer to your friend as a “partner in crime”
-You do illegal things
-You do legal things but don’t like it
-You drink coffee
-You break your aunt’s priceless Ming vase but don’t admit doing it
-You talk about stuff and you want to steal it
-You go outside in all-black all the time
-You go outside only at night
-You go outside to run away from people
-You go outside to get out of jail
-You go outside through a hole in a stone wall
-You think of steel bars when you hear the set-up “a guy walks into a bar”
-You go on a date to steal their stuff
-You don’t want to work
-You see pots and think of drugs. Also, you want to steal them
-You see someone pulling the “Federal Body Inspector” badge at a party and run away (actually this is something everyone should do when this person comes, please delete)
-You don’t follow requests in parentheses
-You don’t follow the mathematical order of operations
-You don’t follow the rules to Operation the Game
-You think this is a game?
-You hear about games and want to steal their stuff
-You make an unfunny list with zero self-awareness
-You steal stuff

And now, presenting the equally amazing and hilarious follow-up to the world-class comedy above! Witness:

YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BE A CRIMINAL IF:

-You buy marijuana for recreational use


New year, new Pungry. Ahh… great content find, intern. Love it. I knew I wasn’t a criminal. Sir, you don’t smoke weed, though. Ah, but I buy it for recreational use. If you don’t buy it to smoke it, what do you use it for? You know, recreational activities. …such as? I throw around the bag like a frisbee. Amazing, sir. A true inspiration to us all. I’m glad you’re our leader for at least one more year. And I’m glad you’re our intern forever. …I’m thinking I might be a criminal.

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About pungry

Making strained metaphors funny.
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2 Responses to You Know You Might Be A Criminal If…

  1. Best ever!!!! This would be great standup with props (ha ha ha, props)…..xoxox, J

  2. Hank Turner says:

    Might be a criminal if you steal this bit

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