Local man Sicnarf Loopstok is reportedly angry that another local man is enjoying the new video game The Last of Paper Mario: Part II.
“I just can’t stand these goddanged sheeple that think UNintelligent [emphasis sic] Systems or Naughty-Good-Developer, Dog will ever make another good game. The Thousand Year Bandicoot’s greatness will never be matched as long as Amy Miyamoto is pulling the strings or blending the wumpa fruit or folding the origami, whatever metaphor you want to use,” said Loopstok.
When his friend, James Sullivan, pointed out that Miyamoto has not at all been involved in the creation of any of the games since Sticker Uncharted, Loopstok replied: “Well, see, that’s what they want you to think. Amy may have left officially but her presence continues to be felt on the series, like a Zess T. Mistake or Nitro crate. ‘Miya-money’ destroyed any creative freedom when she mandated that the team could no longer steal OCs clearly marked with ‘do not steal’ from the best DeviantArt minds of our generation. And that’s why The Last of Paper Mario: Part II has godawful characters like the Bob-omb named ‘Bob-omb’ and the human girl named ‘Ellie’. What kind of sicko would name their kid ‘Human’?” said the man named Sicnarf.
“Beyond the awfulness that is the character creation, weapon and guitar durability, while realistic, are garbage systems that shouldn’t have been implemented. When I’m using Sombrero Guy to take out some Infected, I don’t want to worry about my E-string breaking as I play Wonderwall. I can’t believe UNIntelligent [again, emphasis sic] Systems would dare deprive my one Oasis of comfort in this desert of a game. ‘Desert’ in this context means bad,” said Loopstok.
“And don’t even get me started on the story. The goddanged SJWs that flouted the rainbow pride in the prequel, Color Us, decided to take it one step further by populating the entire game with non-binary mushroom creatures. It’s very important to me what genitals the fungus have, and the game won’t answer that one question. Do not ask me why that’s my one question,” said Loopstok, who has been rambling for the past five minutes while I, enlightened and in my fedora, shut up and listen like a true man such as Tillman Fertitta, the owner of the Houston Rockets and all the worst fast food franchises. Oh, right, this column is about a dude yelling about a video game.
“Anyway, I just don’t understand why James has stooped so low to enjoying this piece of cold garbage,” said Loopstok. “Because I think it’s funny, poignant, and well-written?” said Sullivan. “Well, as I’m sure you remember about UNIntelligent Systems [for the last time, emphasis sic] back when they didn’t kowtow to the goddanged millenial SJWs, PEMN,” said Loopstok. “What?” said Sullivan.
“Personal. Experience. Means. Nothing,” said Loopstok.
“Yeah, that makes sense with evaluating characters in Fire Daxter where there’s some variance as to how good they’ll turn out and there’s an objective sort of truth as to what characters will turn out the best based on the raw numbers, but The Last of Paper Mario: Part II is meant to be evaluated on how it makes the player personally feel. And, let me tell you, I cried when Bob-omb sacrificed himself to take out a group of Infected to save Ellie and Olivia. Personal experience means everything. Also, why does it matter to you if someone else enjoys the game?” said Sullivan.
“Because I’m the all-powerful main character of the world, and if someone disagrees with me, that might indicate that I’m not that powerful. Thankfully, I can just be the main character in my own created world online where I get to pwn fake people with bad opinions that I made up to get mad about but then destroy with facts and logic,” said Loopstok.
“That’s sad. I hope I never do that,” said Pungry.