Pungry Industries has been fortunate to receive a small part of the script to an upcoming Netflix special by internet celebrity “Johnny Junkland”. Junkland credits this blog with his sense of humor that led him to 10 million Youtube subscribers. Below is the excerpt from the special titled “Life Is Like A Freaking Videogame”, published in full with his blessing.
Folks, I noticed that I accidentally shrunk my nicest pants in the dryer the other day, so I had to go and get some new pants because I’m going to a wedding in August. Now, to get pants, where does one go? Well, if life was anything like a videogame, you’d go to the armor store to get some new dang pants! Am I right? *Pause for laughter* But seriously folks, I was thinking this to myself as I walked over to the Pants Store, your one-stop-shop-for-slacks, that life is like a freaking videogame.
Now, now, now, hear me out. I know there are some slight differences between life and videogames. For one, if life was a videogame, you better believe I’d spent more time on my created character! I mean, have you seen my zits? Take a look at this epic fail over here, yiiiiikes! *Point to zits, wait for laughter*
The biggest difference between life and videogames, though? It ain’t the lack of armor stores. Nor is it your inability to choose your looks at birth. It’s the lack of freaking save points! You like that? You! Like! That! For those, erm, “normies” in the chat (*aside, whispered* that’s what we call newbs who don’t play videogames), a save point is a point that lets you save your progress you’ve made in your game. If real life had save points, you better believe that I’d have saved before drying my nicest jeans and shrinking them skinnier than Aaron Carter’s skinny jeans. What year is it? *buzzer, wait for laughter*
The real problem with real life having save points that would allow people to rewind time would be how everyone simultaneously would be trying to turn back time to the good ol’ days when momma sang us to sleep. Human society would never move forward a single second because someone would want to do over the previous second in which they either got stuffed in a locker, got rejected in their marriage proposal, or had a heated gamer moment while playing League and called someone a racial slur. Who can relate? *Wait for “woo” response from crowd, pause for laughter*
I really want to reiterate just how crazy an idea the save point is when applied to real life. Philosophers have spoken for eons about time travel and time traveler’s wives, but the save point is a slight wrinkle on the concept that doesn’t have a close analogue to any of the classic allegories. Like, think if the people in Plato’s cave had made a save point before walking out of there. Or think whether the Ship of Theseus is still the Ship of Theseus after you go back to a save point before all the parts were replaced. Or think about that time you said “Kefkaesque” instead of “Kafkaesque” in your English lit class, and the cute girl you liked in that class and was trying to impress hated Final Fantasy VI and never spoke to you again and you’d like nothing more than to quick load. Ouch, that’s gotta hurt! *Pause for laughter*
Point is, life may not have any save points, but maybe it’s better this way. Like I said, human society would not advance a single second into the future once the save point is invented. Because unlike a lot of fictional time travel plot devices, the save point can only take you back. You can’t pull a Chrono Trigger and go to the End of Time with a frog, a robot, and a mute swordsman to stop climate change when you use a save point. You can only go back. I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that life may be a freaking video game, but every decision you make is a point of no return, because there are no save points. And I’d really like it if you all stopped taking that for granted instead of thinking “I should conserve this Megalixer in case I need it later”. Because that’s just a theory. A game theory. And life… is the ultimate video game.
With the most realistic physics like pants that shrink in the dryer. Take a look at this epic fail over here, yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes! *Point at shrunk pants that you’ve been wearing all along*
This is where Johnny’s excerpt ends. Look forward to his special “Life is a Freaking Videogame” when it releases July 4th on the international gamer holiday. Pungry Industries accepts no credit for the terrible humor Junkland developed after reading our publications.