Stop Keeping Spyro 4 Hostage

Hey! You! Yeah, you! Mr. Tim Activision Blizzard King! I’m Pungry, CEO of Pungry Industries. But that’s not important. No, what’s far more important is that I’m head of Spyro 4Ever, a grassroots, sunrise-spring campaign to Take Back Spyro from your corrupt hands and to the people. We’re sick and tired of you jerkfaces holding Spyro hostage. And I must say that we’re quite good at taking back dragon hostages. All of us here have 100%ed Spyro the Dragon 1. But while we put Spyro the Dragon 1st, you all seem to put him last. And we’re tired of this eternal night. It’s time for the dawn of the dragon… for a new beginning! Of Spyro.

Currently, Spyro 4Ever sees you, Mr. Tim King Blizzard Activision, as Hunter the Cheetah. Someone who claims to be on Spyro’s side, yet withholds the all-important Orbs and Dragon Eggs until we ride your stupid pet manta ray through some air bubbles. Yet you don’t even define any sort of minigames for us to complete. We play World of Warcraft Classic to level 60, but do not find a Spyro raid boss. We play Candy Crush to level 10520 without boosters, yet are not connected to Candy Lane from Spyro 2: Season of Flame afterwards. We even get Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 for the third time its been released, and there’s no additional campaign based on Agent 9’s level in the Fireworks Factory. We are done meeting with you all on your terms. It is time for you all to bend to our collective will and be subject to our elemental furies. No, not furries.

For too long the Spyroheads have been fighting like the Land Blubbers and the Breezebuilders, and it’s time to come together like Spyro Orange. Except with less repetitive minigames. We know that you Mr. King Blizzard Activision Tim are the Moneybags, and we’re about to flame your butt and chase you until you give us back Spyro 4. “Oh, Pungry,” you say in the same voice as Breezebuilder Juliet, “what if Spyro 4 doesn’t actually exist even as a loosely-compiled alpha?” Well, first off, I take away all your magic beans, and then to that I say that there’s no freaking way Youtuber Canadian Guy Eh has simply been making up all his unsourced, unverified rumors the past 5 years just to get clicks, engagement, and money. He’s Canadian. And, unlike Bianca, he wouldn’t lie to me for personal gain.

Bottom line, Mr. Blizzard Activision Tim King, is that Spyro 4Ever isn’t going to stop until we get Spyro 4. Or if we get the cancelled The Legend of Spyro movie that was directed by Peter Jackson and supposed to come out on Christmas Day. I will take either one. And, for your information, I am more likely to cry at that movie. But what will make everyone else cry, other than hearing “trouble with the trolley, eh”, is complete silence on Spyro through 2023. The Reignited Trilogy came out in 2018, and according to Wikipedia, “publisher Activision… stated Spyro Reignited Trilogy ‘performed well’ in its initial release”. Now that people have seemed to mostly forget the scandal after scandal your garbage, unfairly merged company was embroiled in, it’s time to fully win everyone back by releasing Spyro 4 starring Sgt. Byrd.

Wow, it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from the editor and the intern. Not long enough! Great. Well, the main writer for this–which is me, the unpaid intern–thanks for re-explaining the lore. As I was saying, the main writer for this has been… engaged this past month. Congrats to them! When’s the wedding. Oh, they aren’t getting married. They’ve just been playing a video game with the word “Engage” in the title. Can you get married in the game? No. Terrible title, then. Anyway, that writer–which is me again. Very weird how you’re trying to put distance between that fact and how you’re speaking–are you finished? And why did you pretend you didn’t know I was talking about–whatever. The writer is engaged and will probably write a bunch of words on another video game next month. Look forward to another 1500 words of useless information and opinions on a video game! You’re 1500 words of useless information.

About pungry

Making strained metaphors funny.
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1 Response to Stop Keeping Spyro 4 Hostage

  1. Hi, QT,

    Love Pungry! Thank you for spilling the magic beans about the trolley troubles…at least that’s what I gathered as I have only one brain cell left. Thank you for sharing Pungry.

    Xoxo, Mama

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