Early March, Game Freak announced little more than the name of the next mainline Pokemon game via a cryptic trailer. The 1:57 movie displayed Lumiose City from Pokemon X & Y before ending with the words “Urban Redevelopment Plan”. Now, nothing gets this journalist more excited for a video game than the promise of bureaucracy, but Pungry Industries’ specialist Nintendo leaker… Pungry… has figured it out. Pokemon Legends: Z-A (great name by the way) is actually a Parisian Street Cleaner simulator.
Don’t just take my word for it. The source, white hat hacker Nurse Joi, was the first to figure out Pokemon Trozei’s top-secret existence as “the boring Pokemon Puzzle League pseudo-sequel” and the one to determine that Pokemon Master sEX was not going to live up to its name. Nurse Joi provided their input to our prestigious paper through covert DMs on Discord, stating (all typos are [SIC]) “Lumiose City is based on Paris, the game is about an Urban Redevelopment Plan if your ead the text, but just look at waht that Pikachu is doing… it’s running through very clean streets… Paris has very dirty streets… Pokemon must’ve been enlisted to clean up those streets in the truest meaning of the word”
Presumably, the player will be riding on Koraidon or whatever stupid vehicular-looking legendary from Gen 6 there was (I didn’t play that crap! Pokemon is for kids!!) as they take out bags of Trubbish, wash down the Grimer, and, uh, do whatever they can to get Guzzlord to leave the city. In addition, NPCs around the city will be wearing berets while eating baguettes and saying “hohn hohn hohn” as they cheer on the player’s efforts.
I’m sorry, this suuuuucks. I have been too busy this month to write anything funny so I have thrown this together in 20 minutes. I wanted to finish the Spyro Tim Rogers thing but it is so hard to sit down and write these days. And the rest of the year doesn’t get less busy! Especially with one YouTuber claiming that Spyro 4 has been in development since January. How am I supposed to focus on Reignited when I have that in the back of my mind from now on?
If anyone has any funny ideas for something to actually write instead of this, please leave a comment. There’s been more views than usual this year (compared to the dismal past 3 years anyway) which means my longform video game writing must be bringing in the viewers! Right! Right? Well, whatever.
Pungry for Laughs 