Paper Mario Fan Upset He Got Exactly What He Wanted

The Nintendo Direct in early September ended by revealing a remake of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door was to be released on the Nintendo Switch in 2024. For many long-suffering Paper Mario fans who fell in love with the games on the Nintendo 64 and GameCube and spurned the franchise’s move away from those games, this announcement brought back their faith in Intelligent Systems and Shigeru Miyamoto. For instance, local user ThunderousBirdo rejoined the Discord server of friends he made 15 years ago posting about The Thousand Year Door, showing just how much this announcement did to mend communities.

Still, others, like marioman1155, who had been calling for the series to return to its roots this entire time, was not pleased. “Oh, just another lame coin grab from Shigeru Miyamoney and UNintelligent Systems. $60 for a remake of a 20 year old game? Erm, what the h? The ‘h’ stands for ‘heck’,” marioman1155 posted his first impressions on the PAPER MARIO RETVRN OR DIE Discord server, which uses a Paper-Mario-in-the-style-of-a-Roman-statue as its server icon. “NintenDOH is so against creating new original characters for Mario games that they only greenlight remakes of prior games with them. Take a look at this epic fail over here, yikes,” marioman1155 continued.

As the day wore on, other Discord members started losing patience with marioman1155’s negativity. “Man, why can’t you enjoy the moment? You literally made a long-lasting forum game based on The Thousand Year Door. Why are you even complaining?” asked fellow Discord member Weegee. “Um, because I expect UNintelligent Systems to improve instead of stay stagnant and get more money for it? If the Seattle Mariners remade the 1995 season in 2023, would you pay $170 for playoff tickets when they cost $75 a year prior? Same principle,” said marioman1155. “That is a very specific analogy,” said Newtro.

Mods started weighing in. “I would like some updates to the game for sure. Like get rid of some unnecessary backtracking, maybe buff the steal rate for getting badges from enemies not listed to have badges, but I must concur with Weegee. Enjoy this. It means Nintendo is listening. We’re more likely than ever to see a true sequel to The Thousand Year Door if this sells well,” said JPSava. “Yeah, like when UNintelligent Systems listened to that fan poll sent out to ten people in Japan that they thought the story in Super Paper Mario was boring and they took that info to mean that no future Paper Mario game should have a real story? Yeah, I’m sure buying this game will send the message that all Paper Mario games should have gallows in their main hubs,” said marioman1155. “I’m not going to make the easy response. But know that I could’ve done so,” said Lefbra.

marioman1155 just couldn’t let it go. “Remember when they showed screenshots of the early Paper Mario 3DS game that included a Chain Chomp partner and Miyadummy shot it down due to it being too similar to The Thousand Year Door? What makes us so confident they’ll let literally The Thousand Year Door Again get released? I bet they’ll make a last minute change where all the Crystal Stars are replaced by Things and Kammy Koopa is replaced with Kamek,” said marioman1155. “You could look at literally every Switch remake of any previous game where they are extremely faithful to the original but add some content, like Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury,” said Tea Necromancer. “Erm, but look at the Super Mario RPG remake that’s randomly changing crap like timed hits now hitting all enemies! They’re going to ruin this remake by making the game run at 10 FPS and making it impossible to nail action commands!” said marioman1155.

Eventually, the admins had to step in. “marioman1155, this is a server that waited many years for a sequel to The Thousand Year Door. I hear your frustration that this isn’t one. But it is even better than that. It’s the exact game we already know and love with no surprises. It’s like finding your ex-wife after 15 years, remarrying them, and going back to that blissful honeymoon phase before she cheated on you with some squares from Flipside,” said Pungy. “That is a very specific analogy,” said Newtro. “I’m giving you a temporary timeout. Come back when you are about to rawk (we salute you),” said Pungy.

In the end, marioman1155 did not come back. He left the server after stating that he’d find another friend who would buy the game, divorce their spouse, and give him the game in the wake of the divorce and never open it.