Alright, I’m going to ask the question we’ve all been thinking: how is there still a hookup culture in the wireless age? Does it not seem a little outdated to you all that we still have to show up face-to-face in order to get into a relationship with someone? Most people wonder why, if we’re in the future, we aren’t driving flying cars, but I choose to wonder why we still have this arcane system.
The people I ask this question to, namely just me, answer by saying it’s due to the Wi-Fi around here being so bad that you have to plug into the modem. You know what I think? You’re just not being patient enough. We all want someone who is down for a relationship and more, but they all seem to be taken! Keyword: seem. If you wait long enough, the Wi-Fi will come through, the page will load, and you will find “the one”. Going straight to the source is one way to do it, but who has the cables and connections these days for that?
I know that the recent email we got said that hooking up to the modem will give you better performance overall, but those guys have an agenda. An agenda to keep this bafflingly dumb system running. Instead, take their other advice, which was to stop setting up your own wireless devices or making your own internet; let us all share the Wi-Fi we have so the pool of candidates is largest. Plus, with data analytics, we’ll be perfectly matched to a suitable partner if we’re all in it together. But that is what it takes. No more selfish hookup culture; we need to be united as a school in order for us to be united as couples.
Thank you for listening. Please feel free to take a pamphlet titled “Hookup Culture in the Wireless Age: What’s the Point?” and spread it to all your friends. It’s time we give the hookup culture the boot.