Oh, This Guy is a Gamer!

On virtual tour yet again, standup comedian Johnny Junkland is back with another rip-roaring set of 8-bit comedy that blows all that other 2-bit comedy out of the pixelated water. This time around, Peacock spent the big bucks to acquire the exclusive rights to broadcast, save for one clause in the contract that lets Mr. Junkland publish part of his upcoming script to this website. Thank you, Sir Junkland. But the Pungry is on another website! Ha ha. Without further unskippable cutscenes, please enjoy this exceprt of Junkland’s next special: Oh, This Guy is a Gamer!

Thank you, Mushroom Kingdom! The other day, I was thinking about the geography of the Mushroom Kingdom, and how little sense it dang makes. It makes about as much sense as equipping your mage with Excalibur. Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter* But seriously folks. The Mushroom Kingdom has too much room. Or, really, too little. What messed up ecosystem is able to fit a desert land right next to the freaking water land? Oh, don’t you try and tell me about the fertile crescent. I was too busy playing my Game Boy emulator on my phone when that topic came up in Social Studies. Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter*

But it’s not just that, folks. The Mushroom Kingdom is a diaspora. No, I don’t mean diaspora as in “Spore 2”, that’ll never come out. Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter* But it’s truly a melting pot that accepts everyone. You got your Toads, of course. They’re ruled by Princess Peach, a human, because Queen Toad Elizabeth still hasn’t been seen coming out of Bowser’s clutches. Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter* And if the Mario and Luigi RPG series is to be believed, it hosts a whole bunch of other species in relative comfort. Whether you’re a Hollijolli Village resident, or come from New Donk City, or are in there by way of World 3, when you’re in the Mushroom Kingdom, you’re family. Only, instead of a freakin’ olive garden, it’s a koopa leaf garden! Unlimited Koopasta! Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter*

But, folks, let’s not get distracted. The Koopasta has blooper ink on it, I know, but it’d be a real blooper to miss out on this important message I have. Just like how it’s a real blooper that so many people missed the tutorial pit in the Elden Ring! Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter* My point is this: *grabs the Master Sword out of the scabbard on his back* Zuh? How’d this get here? Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter* *toss sword into the front row* Don’t try selling that, or you’ll end up with some Rupoors! Anyway, the point is this: the Mushroom Kingdom is diverse. They’ve got Toads, they’ve got Koopas, they’ve got illegitimate claims to the throne, and, yet–unless provoked by an Umbreon using Taunt in Rarely Used–the Mushroom Kingdom thrives in that diversity. Gamers… are the Mushroom Kingdom of society.

But here’s the thing we don’t need that the Mushroom Kingdom has: gamers claiming they’re better than the others. I can hear you all booing, and I know you’re not talking about the fedorable ghosts. Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter* Look, my point is this. *pull out another Master Sword from the scabbard* Zuh? How’d this get here? And why’s there a glowing triangle on my hand? Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter* Enough fooling around, let’s drop some wisdom down. We need to start respecting all gamers. For every gamer you disrespect, I’ll respect three. And here’s why. Gamers aren’t an oppressed minority. They’re all around us. “Oh,” you might say, “this fella plays Pokemon Legends instead of Elden Ring. He ain’t a gamer!” My friend, it sounds like your elden ideas need to get rung into the new year–Pokemon Legends is a gameriffic game.

And you might say “Oh, well this person plays freakin’ Candy Crush instead of Dragalia Lost!” Well, my friend, I would say that Candy Crush qualifies someone as a gamer. Why? Why not? Why should we have to gatekeep gamerdom like it’s Heliodor Castle! Oh, this guy is a gamer! *pause for laughter* Wordle has proven that gaming is for everyone, and that’s great! So put away your inside jokes for an outdoor, welcoming community. Make the gaming kingdom as big and as welcoming as the Mushroom Kingdom, because, fellas, we got so much room in it.


I believe that is what gamers call cringe. I will continue to gatekeep pungry.com by refusing to advertise this nonsense because I’m not a gamer.

About pungry

Making strained metaphors funny.
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